Unsent Letter #1 - Fall 2008

I am in constant pain all the time. Last week was the first time I actually considered taking prescription drugs - or even getting some pot. But I didn't. I have treated this with chiropractic care, acupuncture, massage, the inversion table and way too many Excedrin's. My back and neck are still killing me. I am going back to meditations and affirmations. I am listening and reading You Can Heal your Life again. I think that this must lie in my inability to forgive.

I don't want to take drugs. I don't want to even take all these Excedrin's. I am tired of being in this pain. The last few weeks I have been very short with the kids. I feel like there is literally a knife in my back. There seems to be no relief. One day it hurt so bad that I called J sobbing. I came home at noon and opened a beer and sat on a heating pad and let the kids do whatever they wanted until J came home with lunch. That seemed to help me relax some. When he walked in I started laughing hysterically, almost done with the beer and said, Now I'm going to Betty Ford! I don't think he thought it was funny.

But I can't drink beer every day. Especially at Noon. So for now I am working on getting to the bottom of this forgiveness issue. I think there are probably several things here. And what Louise says makes so much sense to me. Why am I continuing to punish myself? Why can't I let go of this? Especially when it is hurting this bad?

The person I am most angry with is my father-in-law, and then his wife.

Then I suppose my husband, to some extent, although I think the letter actually cleared a lot of that up. Maybe I should work the steps too. I think the fourth step is supposed to clear all this up. I emailed a friend about this but haven't heard back yet.

I think this last year really put us in a ditch and I resent that. I need to take more responsibility for that instead of just blaming my husband - and then my father-in-law for not helping us more. But that is hard for me. I know I did bury my head in the sand last year. I think I was depressed.

Perhaps it took me being in so much pain for me to be willing to do the work. But I am going to pour over the Heal your Life book and start to do the steps. I have a tape somewhere if I can't find someone to do them with me. And, I could find a sponsor. And, I noticed there is a workbook.

But I went to the chiropractor 3 times last week, and did everything else, and I am still in so much pain. So there has to be something else, something deeper that is holding that pain there.

So maybe I should start by doing letters. That always seems to help me.

I haven't been able to write a letter to my father-in-law in a long time. Since that seems to be most pressing, I will start there.

Dear J,

It seems that the silence between us really has not solved anything. Last night I watched the video of you dancing with H on her first birthday and I felt very sad. It has not been my intention to keep you from your grandkids. However, I did feel that there was work to be done before those relationships could resume. I don't know if that was ever conveyed to you. I think sometimes J has a hard time being in the middle of our relationship, especially now that it has become like this.

As you probably know, I have a very special relationship with my dad. He made many sacrifices for me as a single father, and I will forever be grateful to him. Likewise, my former father-in-law and I continue to share a very special love. I think I always had the expectation that we would also be close, and thus our relationship was always disappointing and painful to me. I have always felt that you held me at a distance, and when you did pull me in, you were very critical. I suppose in return, I became very critical of you.

I have had a very difficult time digesting J's childhood. It is very hard for me not to judge you. When I was at Betty Ford for family week, there was a man in my group who reminded me a lot of you and I developed a great affection for him. He was also a recovering alcoholic, who had a son at Betty Ford. He was struggling with a lot of guilt. He told me what got him through was the idea that you are only tried and convicted once for a crime. While I liked that idea, I am still struggling. The reason is that I feel like you have still treated both me and J poorly over the years. The reason that I blocked your email is I feel you have a pattern of displaying very bad, abusive behavior, and then apologizing. I think you need to change your behavior because without changed behavior an apology really means nothing.

To me, children are very precious, and you can't turn back the clock on abuse once it has happened. Wounds are very difficult to heal, and scars will stay forever. The fact that you often blow up on me or J makes me nervous to trust you around my children. I also don't come from this sort of background. As I've said before, my dad has never even raised his voice at me, so your behavior is especially frightening and concerning to me.

I don't know what the solution here is. I am tired of feeling angry and resentful towards you. I would like our family to heal and grow - and move forward. I know that you and J are healing, and that I deeply love my husband. I made a decision to try to forgive you when I was at Betty Ford, and I took the block off my email then. But I am still really struggling with this. I have been going to Al-Anon and learning a lot from that - and also reading a lot. I suppose this will be a journey and not something that I can just push all at once, but I wanted to let you know that I am trying.

I am sorry for my part in things, and I decided to make a first step towards some sort of a resolution.