Letter to an Adulterous Friend

I am writing as a friend to you and your family. I am in no position to judge you, as I cheated on my first husband. I wanted to write and share some insight from that experience as well as my current marriage because I care about you and about your family. I meant it last week when I said you are a great husband and father. I still believe that. I hope you do too.

I was unfulfilled and lonely in my marriage to H and I began an affair. I thought I did a pretty good of hiding it, but he knew, and eventually I did come clean. It was a huge relief for me - and probably for him to finally hear the truth after so many months of lies. I don't know that I have ever felt so rotten about myself. H was of course hurt and devastated, but he wanted to continue on in the marriage. I felt at the time that he could never really get over it and so I made the painful decision to divorce him.

I also thought I was in love. The reality of that situation faded pretty quickly. I treated H pretty poorly during that time in retrospect because I think I just wanted to get on with my own life. I thought I could just move on easily to the next thing and it would all be all right.

We were only married for 4 years and we did not have children or property or anything that would make a divorce particularly hard. In most ways I think we had the easiest divorce imaginable. I felt guilty so I didn't fight for anything. It was amicable and he was more than fair.

All was glib until the day came to sign the final papers. I thought I could just sign on my lunch break and quickly go back to work. H asked the attorney to leave the room. He got on his knees and began to sob and beg me to reconsider. It was the hardest and most painful moment of my life. I wanted to, but I still felt that we could never overcome my adultery.

We signed and I went home weeping. I didn't return to work for days, nearly a week. I could not stop crying, even though it was my decision and I had been thinking about it for over a year. I was not normal for a long time. I put on weight. I started drinking more. I acted like I was having fun, but inside I was miserable.

My love affair fell apart and the men I dated became worse and worse, culminating with the stalking case with A. My self-worth was so low I didn't believe I deserved anything better.

Meanwhile, H and I worked very hard to rebuild our relationship. He told me, no matter what, you are still the best person I have ever known. He told me he forgave me, even if I could not forgive myself. He was always there for me. He was at my stalking hearing and he was there the nights J was too drunk to come home when J was just a newborn and I could do nothing to soothe him. Throughout everything, he has been one of the best friends I could ever ask for, even after everything I put him through. He taught me so much about grace, and about love. Despite the divorce papers, there is nothing that can really separate you from someone you have made that vow to. He will always be with me, and I will always have that sorrow that we were not able to make things work. I blame myself for that mostly. There have been many times when I wished I had not divorced him.

Fast forward to today, and you probably know a lot of my situation with J. What I learned from before is that I will do anything and everything before I go through a divorce, especially now that I have children. J and I were separated for 9 months because of his drinking. Being a single parent is inhumane. There is nothing harder. I was never separated from my children and I can not imagine ever being separated from them. But J and H suffered so much from being separated from their dad. It was necessary for us, but they will always carry some of those scars. J has been in counseling for over a year. Even though J has been home since September, he still cries when his dad has to go out of town. There is nothing worse than seeing your children suffer. I only hope we can rebuild that love and trust back into our home. Its hard work, but we're doing it.

Yesterday I sat next to H and his wife at a memorial for one of our dear friends. I held hands with his wife and watched H cry. Even 10 years later, it was hard not to be the one to comfort him. We talked for a long time afterwards. I am grateful that he is still in my life, but I am still sad. After all this time, the sex and all the irritating things about him have faded. What remains are his kindness of heart, which is truly one of the most important things for an enduring relationship.

Our dear friend died - not much older than us - leaving 2 small kids behind. At the end of the day, it is our families and the kindness that we bring to our lives that really matter.

You have 10 beautiful years together, 2 gorgeous children, and a life most people would envy - a life I have envied many times over. You are free to make your own choices, we all are. Just please, think everything through. Give your marriage the chance it deserves. I know this is none of my business, but I wouldn't feel right if I didn't share some of my mistakes and regrets because you are a dear friend. And, I have been in your shoes, in many different ways.

I was there on your wedding day and I hope I will always remain a friend to your entire family. And I will be here for all of you during this difficult time.