No More Baby

Yesterday, we went to an event at my son’s school for next year. We went as a family, with my husband. It is strange in some ways to be out with him, as if our family is still together. Very few people know we are actually separated.

It hit me driving to school today that next year my son will be in school all day.

My daughter and son only go to Montessori from 9-12 every day, so this will be a big change. I remember a teacher once telling me that she thought it was even more important for one of the parents to be home when kids come home from school when they are older, and now this makes sense. We will have a lot less time together next year.

It makes me sad that my baby is growing up. With my son it has been particularly bittersweet because I really feel like I lost the first year of his life.

I was working so much to pay the bills. And I was not used to living with an alcoholic.

My relationship with my husband was already difficult while I was pregnant. But we didn’t live together then, so that made things easier in a lot of ways.

Once our son was born, we decided we should live together and be a family for him. But that is when he started staying out all night long. And there was no hiding how much he was drinking then. Having a baby in this environment is terrifying.

My son is very sensitive and I often wonder how this first year affected him. I was often crying when I was with him. All day I had to work hard and concentrate on what I was doing. I never allowed myself to cry. I rarely told anyone what was happening, and I certainly never shared the extent of it.

At night, I was often exhausted, probably still very hormonal. And I breast fed him for more than 2 years, which is depleting in and of itself.

I really cherish every second I have with my children and it has made me very careful with my time. I am not one to go out much and when I do get together with people, my children are often included.

But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I am excited for this opportunity for my son. And I am proud that he has grown up to be so compassionate, talented and intelligent. But all the same, I am very sad this morning.

Time has gone by so quickly.