It seems I am spiraling downward this week. I've not been sleeping well. On one hand, the sex my husband had means very little to me. What else should I have expected from him?
But then I think of all the times I was left here to do everything and where was he? How he never woke up with the kids. How I am the one who picked them up from school, drove them there, drove them to everything. Cooked all the food. Changed all the diapers. Did all the laundry. I did everything at my personal expense. And what for? So he could go out and fuck 3 coke-head women without even a condom on his dick?
I suppose acceptance comes in waves. But yesterday was a very, very hard day for me. And today I woke up unrested with a sore body. I think I'm just tensing up. I resent that my husband spent so lavishly on cocaine, booze and women - and now there is no money left for the basics. I have worked so hard. And what for? What for?
Perhaps there was just too much space in the day. Too much time to think. The days prior were so busy, there was no time to ponder. But perhaps I also need the time to heal and to digest everything. And that may just take time.
It's all about you and your kids now.. If he turns around, comes around, great, in the meantime travel on Miss Sula, lead your children and yourself into happiness.. It is difficult - to say the least - but a must.. You'll cry some more, you'll get angry and angrier, you'll forgive but never forget and sometimes you'll just never forgive but wish to forget.. It's a tricky path but you are strong and you can and you will do it.
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