Considering Prostitution

I am seriously annoyed this morning.

Really, I don't understand my in-laws or my husbands thoughts. The kids are used to being at home with me. They have already suffered emotionally because of all that has happened. And now, my father-in-law wants me to sign on for more debt? Which means what?

How do they think the kids get to school and all their activities? Who else is going to take them? Why should the kids suffer because of their dad's relapse?

My husband keeps talking about living amends - to me that means making us right financially, among other things. So why am I suddenly financially on the hook because of his choices? I doubt that the Fourth Wife would do the same to her precious son and his family. She still buys his cars and suits.

I keep reminding my husband that I am the only woman in his family that works. Is it because I am qualified? That I am the one who has had to? Or because I won't play the game and stroke my father-in-law's ego?

I have never asked my father-in-law for money and I never will. I'd have more control over my life becoming a prostitute then asking him for a dime.

Which brings me to the question that has been gnawing at me...When should I find a real, good paying job?

I love being here with my kids. I wish I could do it all the way through high school. In an ideal world, I think there is nothing more important.

But what I have learned is that I can not depend on my husband completely. When he is making money, he is great at it. But I have learned from experience that there is no 100% in sobriety.

And I never want to be in this position again.

I said that last time. But after a year of sobriety, I felt safe. And after 3 years, I didn't think a relapse was possible. But there are people with 20 years of sobriety that fall off the wagon.

Being a mortgage broker was a good career for a long time. But it has changed. Some people have suggested that I work for a bank, in the commercial division. That probably would pay well and have very good benefits, but it is nothing I'm excited about. I really want to be with my kids.

I keep thinking that the kids are 3 and 6, and time has gone so quickly. So much of that time has already been filled up with drama. When will my kids get the life I had dreamed up for them? When will they be happy?

I realize that their lives are theirs. And they will make their own choices when they grow up. But I also have believed that childhood should be magical. I have always wanted to give my children that.

I feel very exhausted lately. I have a Vegas trip with the girls in about a month and I think that will rejuvenate me. But lately, I just feel tired and lethargic.

I could think of nothing to write this morning, so I opened to You Can Heal your Life this morning to the perfect page:

No matter what age we are, we can always let go of some more garbage and break a new barrier. -Louise Hay