The Marriage Counselor

I went to a marriage counselor today with my husband and it was awful. He was very direct and I didn't like him very much.

Seemed like my husband was giving him a real song and dance about our life together and I was just getting more and more angry and interjecting at all the false spots.

He asked if I was willing to try and asked why I hadn't filed for divorce. I said because I feel totally stuck financially like I don't even have a choice. Our finances are completely fucked.

So my husband started saying that wasn’t all his fault and I disagreed because he was the one who stopped working for a year and that's when this all started.

So he said something about me not working and I barged right in and said NO! I have been working and you never acknowledge that taking care of kids is work too even if you don't get paid for it.

We went round and circles around him not coming home all night and to the birthday party. He gave explanations for both, but I said there is just no explanation that will ever be good enough for me. I just don't understand. And the counselor said, No, you just don't like it.

And I said, that too but I just can't understand or comprehend his behavior.

I told the Counselor that I didn't grow up with a father this way and I was not used to living this way or being around drugs.

My husband said, that's not true!! Your step dad is an alcoholic and your mom had drugs in the house!

And I said, No, my mom had some marajuana and that's not the same thing. And my dad always came home for dinner and never stayed out all night long. And even my step dad never acted like you have. And I have never been called a BITCH, or had cocaine in my home right where my daughter could access it.

My husband told us that his dad had told him not to come to the birthday party and that he had also been talking to a lot of other people about it. He said that everyone had told him that all my friends and family would be at the party and if he couldn’t contain himself he shouldn’t go. He said his dad had more than 20 years of sobriety and that he had been divorced and was on his fourth marriage so he knew a lot about these things. He was insinuating that it was some sort of a set-up for him to lose it in front of a bunch of people I reminded him that I had invited all his friends too. Of course, none of them came.

I said that his dad was the most dysfunctional person I have ever met so I don’t understand why he would ever got to him for any sort of advice.

The Counselor asked when the last time both of us had felt good about our marriage. My husband said it was when he got back from Betty Ford. I responded that it was when our daughter was a baby, right before he relapsed.

Then I broke down. I said if I had ever known he was ever going to relapse again - even if there was a slight chance - I never would have married him. It's just too hard for me. I can’t live like that.

Towards the end he asked if I was even willing to try and I said that I don't feel any hope. The only way I can do it is if we remain separated. I can't live with him now and put my kids (and me) through him not coming home again.

So my husband said he wanted more time with the kids then and I said I wasn't willing to let him drive anywhere with him. I told them I wasn't willing to take any sort of risk with my kid’s lives. I carried those kids in my stomach for 9 months and I have been the one taking care of them 24-7 and I am not going to let anyone take them away from me. Even if the risk is .000000008%, I won't do it. And if he demands that I will get a lawyer and fight it.

So my husband backed down. And said he would stick to the original agreement in good faith while we are separated.

The Counselor said that all the research shows that kids do best when parents raise their kids together - even when they are divorced. And I said I realize that and I have talked to our son’s counselor about it and read the Sandcastles book (about helping kids get through a divorce) but with my husband’s drug and alcohol addictions I still need to protect my kids. And he said he understood that and all advice was the ideal and that he knew we had special circumstances.

He asked if we were willing to date or spend time with each other during the separation. I told him we had done some of that but for the most part I needed my space. I explained that when my husband stayed too long at the house I tired of him and wanted him to leave. This seemed to really piss off my husband. I said the only way we can build back trust is for him to actually do the things he says he will over time with me and the kids and in meeting our financial obligations. If he didn’t do that, nothing would work.

So my husbands tone got nasty and he said, Fine! You can just stay separated and do whatever you want to do and wear your ring on the other finger or take it off altogether.

And then I started laughing and said yeah but your tone is totally pissed off and you don't sound like you mean that at all.

The Counselor did tell my husband at the end that he got bad advice about not going to the party.

I’m not sure if we will go back or not. My husband left very angry and I said I wasn’t sure that we could resolve anything. He told us to call him if we want to set up another appointment.

My husband just sent me a text saying, thanks for going and being honest. At least I know where we stand.