Friday, July 30, 2010


"Remember everything is right until it's wrong. You'll know when it's wrong."

- Ernest Hemingway, The Garden of Eden

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


There have been a lot of things on my mind lately. I think I feel a heavy weight on me from dealing with the constant texting and calls from my ex. It is very exhausting. I don't think he hears what he writes or says. I don't think he hears me when I do bother to respond, so I rarely do. Yesterday was a better day between us, but I feel still we need some distance.

He seems to think that because he is paying alimony and child support, he is entitled to know every detail of my life and to harp on the past. He constantly questions me about things that are none of his business, and then accuses me of lying.

He texted me yesterday about how if I am such a strong, independent, feminist woman then I should be happy to take care of everything myself.

I told him, being a feminist, especially in Islam, is about knowing your worth as a woman and a mother. It is knowing your rights and believing that you are entitled to them. There is no holier profession in Islam than being a mother. And mothers are expected to be taken care of, so that they can meet the needs of their children.

I regret that I am still dependent on him. That was my mistake. I believed someone who I had no right to believe. I chose my kids instead of my own independence. That's a hard thing to swallow, but I am still glad I chose my kids. I can't imagine what would happen to them if I had not been here for them during this time. You build a solid foundation for your children when they are young. If you don't, there is no way to rebuild it later.

I believe women can work and take care of children well if they have a good partner. This still would not be my first choice, but I know many women who do it well. When there is no partner, working to support a family and meeting all their physical, emotional and spiritual needs is nearly impossible. I think we often blame the woman or the mother in this instance. But there is no blame - for them - here. At least as far as I'm concerned. We need better fathers. We need men to be partners in the household and family.

My ex has been nagging me about my lack of income and his support of me. He does not think I am grateful enough to him.

To me, that is like carelessly killing a young child and being required to pay the parents for their loss - and then expecting them to be grateful to you.

What is there to be grateful for? Can anything make up for the loss of a child? Can someone's destructiveness with the lives of others ever be atoned for? Certainly not financially.

When you ruin something, you repair it, at your own cost, whatever that may be. You don't ask for gratitude. You beg for forgiveness.

How dare he even ask for gratitude.

Advice from Grandma

"Listen. I don't like to preach but here's some advice. You'll meet a lot of jerks in life. If they hurt you, remember it's because they're stupid. Don't react to their cruelty. There's nothing worse than bitterness and revenge. Keep your dignity and be true to yourself."


Tuesday, July 27, 2010


"There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the pointless drama and people who create it, and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you focus on the good. Life is too short to be anything but happy!!!"


Sunday, July 25, 2010

Kahlil Gibran on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

The Kama Sutra

I have devoured the Kama Sutra in the last day or so. It has been on my bookcase for 10-15 years, and I have always meant to read it but never got around to it.

It is a wonderful book and I'd like to read more about both sexuality and Indian religious texts. It has a lot to say about life and love in general. While it is an ancient text, it seems much more open about the realities of love and sex than most people act these days. I have appreciated the frankness and openness of the text.

"The extent of the love of women is not known, even to those who are the objects of their affection, on account of the avarice, and natural intelligence of womankind."

"Women are hardly ever known in their true light, though they may love men, or become indifferent towards them, may give them delight, or abandon them, or may extract from them all the wealth that they possess." (254-255)

Friday, July 23, 2010


I was doing a lot of thinking and reading a lot of my camping trip last week. It was very interesting for me to be so up close and personal with another family I have known and admired for 10-15 years.

I think what happened to me growing up is that when parents divorced when I was young, I was labeled as "sensitive" and my family - especially my dad - did everything possible to avoid hurting my feelings or upsetting me. It has been nearly impossible for me to find someone who treats me like my dad did - and I notice with age that my dad does not even treat his own beloved wife that way.

My family is very quiet and kind on my dads side anyway. We tend to hold things in and let them pass. I think as a result of these things, I don't know how to deal with conflict well or relate to normal family bickering. The slightest thing tends to freak me out - especially after being on the complete opposite side of things with my ex and his family.

I realized on this trip how important it is for my kids to have a good dad. I have been filling in the blanks the best I can but there are some things that can't be substituted. I don't expect that their dad is ever going to be capable of filling that role. He never lived it and wouldn't notice it if he did now. I can not blame him for that. Hopefully between other wonderful families like this one we camped with, my dad, and men at church, they will be OK for the time-being.

I spent Sunday night with my first husband and his family. They had an enormous party and I met many new people. Several of them commented on me doing so much for them and I told them, it goes both ways - it always have. I relayed so many times when he and his wife had been there for me over the years. They are both so special to me. There is nothing neither of them would not do for a friend.

It makes me sad on some level that I did not realize what I had with him way back when. But I do believe everything happens for a reason and I am very grateful to have them both in my life in such a close capacity. His wife is one of my closest and dearest friends. We have shared everything together.

As we were leaving, H kissed my daughter and told her that he was the reason she had her name. I don't think she can comprehend our relationship at 4, but she does know that we were once married and both my kids call him Uncle.

I have spent some time looking back on all my previous relationships recently and have realized that he is the one who has been there for me through thick and thin. He never chastised me. He never put me down or called me names. He never participated in petty gossip. He was there when both my grandparents died. He wept, hard. My grandparents both loved him as their own, even long after our marriage ended. He remained acting as their son, helping them with things with and without their asking for it. He has deeply loved all my family, including my children, as his own. There is something very settling about knowing that either him or his wife would be there in a heartbeat if I were ever in a jam. I never had that with my ex-husband. I only knew drama, heartache and unreliability.

I have learned so much about grace and love through him. It is a relationship that did not remain as we had intended, but it has still been there for both of us all these years, and it will always remain one of my most important relationships.

I think many men that I have been in a relationship with have only seen me as a possession. I was theirs to have and control. When they did not get what they wanted from me, there was always some sort of abuse or mistreatment. I think that is why it has been often easier for me to have lovers than boyfriends. I seem to have more control over my own life that way.

H never used mean or childish means. He always saw me as a person, and wanted the best thing for me, even when it times it was not the best thing for him. And I have done the same for him.

That is love.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


I am re-reading The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz and have re-discovered so many wonderful quotes.

"Can you see the possibilities a relationship offers? Explore the possibilities. Be yourself. Find a person who matches with you. Take the risk but the honest. If it works, keep going. If it doesn't work, then do yourself and your partner a favor: walk way; let her go. Don't be selfish. Give your partner the opportunity to find what she really wants, and at the same time, give yourself the opportunity. If it's not going to work, it is better to look in a different direction. If you cannot love your partner the way she is, someone else can love her just as she is. Don't waste your time, and don't waste your partner's time. This is respect." (82)


I woke today feeling very frustrated. The divorce has changed nothing. My ex is still treating me like his wife. He is still trying to get back together in his own backwards way. I suppose he thinks I am his to have because of the child support and alimony he is paying.

I reminded him yesterday that if I weren't here taking care of the kids 24-7, he would have to hire 3 nannies to pay for my shifts and would pay more than triple the amount he is paying to me.

How can you shortchange the mother of your children?

He walks around with wads of $100 bills but fails to pay the bills that come for him to our home. Bills that are still in both of our names. I don't have the extra money to pay for his responsibilities. I won't.

When something breaks, he tells me to have one of my boyfriends pay to get it fixed. Who is responsible for his own house? Him or my supposed boyfriends? I suppose he wants someone else to pay for his children as well.

I am very sick of being chastised by my ex-husband for things that are none of his business.

I have not violated my sense of morality or ethics. I am not going to play a stupid game with him that he never seems to tire of. He continues to read my blog and picks out any segment on my sexuality to nit-pick at me. It is so childish.

It amazes me that anyone has time to read this blog just for the sake of argument.

He tells me almost every day that he is "done" with me or that he's "had it."

I reminded him yesterday that we filed for divorce over a year ago and it was finalized a while ago, so the time for being "done" was back then, not now.

It reminds me of the quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

I do not buy into his bullshit. I don't really give a fuck what he thinks. I'm just tired of dealing with him.

I told him if he doesn't stop, I will just file a stalking order. It seems that may just have to be the way I go with this. I'm not going to live the rest of my life with his behavior constantly in my face.

I need and deserve to have my peace.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Cancer in the Brain

I just got off the phone with my other grandma - my mom's mom. The cancer has now spread everywhere, including her brain. They are doing some radiation, which she previously did not want to do - and my aunt and uncle are coming out to say goodbye from Texas.

I am going to try to spend as much time as possible with her. I'm so glad my uncle is there taking care of her every day. He has even cut way back on his drinking, which is a miracle for him. Whoever says alcoholics can't make choices doesn't know what they are talking about. My uncle may have his issues, but his highest priority has always been his family. I'm very proud of him.

I think it may be harder for my to process this grandma dying because she is so much younger and it seems so premature. I have no doubt that a harder life gave her a shorter life. It makes me sad that she had fewer options. But she does not complain or feel sorry for herself and she does not want any of us to either.

The Alcoholism and Addiction Cure

I read this book several years ago, and I really liked it. A very different approach than AA. Since I have been thinking about other ways of doing things.

He starts the book with a pledge, and I remember when I opened the book, it seemed very far fetched to me, based on my experience with my husband and all his relapses.

My Pledge to you
cure n 1) Restoring to a sound or healthy condition.
2) A Healing

What Prentiss says is that you can not recover unless you heal the underlying causes for your addiction. He primarily uses the example of his son - but they have since opened their own rehab center in California. There is a very touching chapter about his son's story, which Pax writes.

My dad had never given up on me, even though I had been doing drugs for ten years. He never gave up on me, no matter how bad things got or how much money I stole from him. Imagine that the belief he had to have had in me to support me in creating Passages when I had continually demonstrated that I couldn't stay sober myself. He knew that I was healed and that I would never do drugs again. To this day, I'm amazed that he decided to help me. He didn't just give me a second chance. It was a fortieth chance, but he embraced it wholeheartedly.

I still tear up when I read this passage, and I remember practically sobbing when I initially read this chapter. What really gets me is how kind his father was to him throughout the process. He had a belief that that was what his son's journey needed to be, and so he never judged him or put him down.

I can't help relate the story to my husband and his father. Even though my father-in-law was also an alcoholic and is "in recovery", the way he talks to my husband is so terrible. He will slam the phone down on him and say "I'm done with you." They cuss and swear at each other. It is truly disgusting. I have never understood the way they talk to each other. I remember the fourth wife's email saying that I don't know how people talk to each other in the "real world" when the "going gets rough", and I think, I don't know anyone who talks to each other this way. And I certainly don't think it helps with anyone's recovery.

He also says that alcoholism and addiction are not diseases. "All dependency is a symptom, not a problem" (17)

To give up our power to change for the better is inherently distasteful to everyone, and to force people to affirm that they are addicts or alcoholics so they can speak in a meeting is shameful and demoralizing. The stigma attached to those labels is so great that most people won't tolerate it. Such declarations ruin a healthy self-image. They convince us that even if we obtain sobriety, we remain broken instead of whole, spoiled instead of fresh and new....

A small benefit attached to that admission - a reminder that the former alcoholic is constantly at risk of relapsing- is far outweighed by the poor self-image it creates. In fact, that poor self-image is what contributes to their relapse.

One reason he gives for why rehab does not work is that there generally not enough individual sessions. "At the end of the first week, everyone in the room knows everyone else's story. That goes on for three more weeks, and then most people go home with the same problems they brought with them when they arrived." (133)

Most addicts and alcoholics relapse not just once but many times...Relapse is not part of recovery. Relapse is part of failure. Relapse is return to dependency. Sobriety is part of recovery. You may now be starting to understand why the relapse rate is so high - it's because people are just trying to quit without curing the underlying causes, which is like trying to stop scratching while your leg is still itching. (139)

He says there are only 4 causes of dependency:
Cause 1: Chemical imbalance
Cause 2: Unsolved events from the past
Cause 3: Beliefs you hold that are inconsistent with what is true
Cause 4: Inability to cope with current conditions (145)

I do not list genetic tendencies as a cause of dependency for two reasons. First, they are only tendencies, and while they may predispose you to becoming dependent on alcohol or addiction drugs, you don't necessarily become dependent just because your ancestors were dependent. Some people have a genetic tendency to become fat but that doesn't mean they will become fat or that they must become fat. There are many people who are completely sober or who can drink socially, even though their parents and grandparents were dependent on drugs and alcohol. (146)

There are so many great passages in this book - my copy is all marked up...I would highly recommend it to anyone.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


One of the things I thought about during our trip was what my needs are. I ignored them most of my marriage and even afterwards because I felt like I needed to put my kids first. But if I don't meet my basic needs, I can't be a very good mother.

I need DAILY exercise and stretching. Walking and Kundalini Yoga seem to be the best fit for me. Without exercise, I can not clear my mind or the anger that seems to accumulate regarding the situation with my ex. Doing this every day restores me to sanity and frees up my mind to focus on the important things.

I need frequent and satisfying sex.

I need at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night.

I need some quiet time to myself at least a few times a week to reflect, read and write. This restores me in so many ways.

I need healthy food, which includes enough fruits and vegetables and taking the time to make myself fresh juice every day. This really helps with my energy level.

I have decided that these are the non-negotiables for me from here on out. I won't let anyone else take precedence over these things, because they are just too important to my own well-being.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Our Love is Easy

Deep within your heart, you know it's plain to see
Like Adam was to Eve, you were made for me
They say the poisoned vine, breeds a finer wine
Our love is easy

If you ask me plainly, I would gladly say
I'd like to have you round just for them rainy days
I like the touch of your hand
The way you make no demands
Our love is easy

Our love is easy
Like water rushing over stone
Oh, our love is easy
Like no love, I've ever known

Physically speaking, we were made to last
Examine all the pieces of our recent past
There's your mouth of tears
Your hands around my waist
Our love is easy

Every time we meet, it's like the first we kiss
Never growing tired of this endlessness
It's a simple thing, we don't need a ring
Our love is easy

Our love is easy
Like water rushing over stone
Oh, our love is easy
Like no love, I've ever known

Our love is easy
Like water rushing over stone
Oh, our love is easy
Like no love, I've ever known

Deep within your heart, you know it's plain to see
Like Adam was to Eve, you were made for me
They say the poisoned vine, breeds a finer wine.

- Melody Gardot

Sunday, July 18, 2010


The kids and I had an amazing camping trip. It was so interesting for me to watch another family up close like that. I have known most of them 10-15 years, but you really get to know people camping. I have a lot of reflections to get to but for now I am just very, very tired. I had not camped on the dirt like that since I was in my mid-twenties, and I forgot how hard it is. I am definately getting older!

We drove back today, and with the ferry ride, it was about 9 hours. Then we went to a 4-hour birthday party at my first husband's house. LOL, it was a great day, but I am wiped out.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

"What some invent, the rest enlarge."

-Jonathan Swift

Friday, July 16, 2010


"Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth."

- Will Rogers

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Foolish Games

You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather.

Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and...

These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.

You're always brilliant in the morning,
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you.
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar.

Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.

These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.

You took your coat off,
Stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.


Wednesday, July 14, 2010


"It cost me a lot to be authentic, but we must not be cheap in regards to the way we look. Because a woman is more authentic the more she looks like what she has dreamed for herself."

--Agrado, All About My Mother

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


I am leaving with my children in the very early morning to go on a camping trip. It does not escape me that we are going with the family of Riccardo, who my father-in-law so horribly offended the night prior to our wedding.

It seems both ironic and a gift that their family has taken us in as their own.

I have been so upset about the in-laws I ended up with. I now have an adopted family that cares for me and my children as if we were their own.

I am very grateful for that.

Life has been hard and confusing for me, especially as of late. But it has been my dear friends and family that have kept me going these these last years with their unconditional love.

I Remember I was a Point, I Was a Circle

This poem reminds me so much about life with an addict.

I remember
I was
a point, I was a circle,
I walked
The swords are porous green.
I fell, to the edge of a whitened eyelash,
I laughed, to the edge of death I laughed.
I remember I was a glass that breaks the water, stretched out across a cloud,
I remember I was a butterfly,
despair began to spread like darkness, bullets began to make shadows, pointed shadows.

He is your blue-colored shirt, my cup and fork, my
balcony, the din of silence in the void, my closed eyelids,
the bird that shall bear me to the grave, he is the grave.

How often they have wrangled with mountains on my lips. Hands
that burn are extinguished in wine, rivers that run dry are pinned
to the walls, parched earth tries to imprison
your voice,
your voice.

Have you the courage to dance on a mirror? have you more
strength than the brilliance of a bee upon its knees, than
the kiss of pearls shoulder to shoulder?

Do you spell out tears as I set forth a tree?
From the ledge of each well, pots of hyacinth fly
in all directions. As though temples exploding, they
cross the marble to the final star, like the grasses
that glitter in a pebble. I watch her veiling herself,

On my clothes I write God, I write heaven.
This is me. And this is you.

Like one who lives on a seesaw, I live in the pupil of your eye.
Come morning you destroy me like an arrow
, come evening
I yield to you, without a struggle I turn to dust. I say he is a mountain that bears a city, I say he is a horse that gallops in the sun.

Like one who lives in deceit, I stone myself and call for help
Is there a terror greater than veiled fear, than
a deserted evening, than feet that tread on heaven,
than waves sketched like rainfall, than signs of thunder,than a cage without a bird, a bird without wings, wings
without love, without love?

From your two hands I gather tenderness at night,
from your two hands I grant a smile to each star, from your two hands I bury my head on your breast, from your two hands I search for my prayer.

I draw halos around you, as if you are the foe, as
if you are the Messiah. If you were alone, I tell you, I would
prostrate myself you you. If just ten, I would hide you in my lungs.
Since you are a thousand, I shall give you to drink from my blood. Your wound grows and grows.
it slits my throat from vein to vein. I put sand in your
wound. I put your wound in a giant, and around myself I
light the fire.

Who are you, that I should love you in the space I love you, in
the wound?
The stones are whispering:
There is no myth save in a wrestling goddess, a moon fragmenting. The statues are countless, beyond all computation. The poison is a single dose placed in a cup.
I pluck suns from between your eyes, I pluck thorns

-Orbits, be scattered beyond time, beyond weapons, beyond vipers, Be in harmony with the strength of gods, with mercy like the gods, with optimism like the gods, Upon the trackless sand each teardrop has a garden, the birds a small handful of honey.

Here am I bending down to drink and I lose my memory.

I have not let my face leap like a bat, I have not kicked my foot, I did not move like phantoms over the rooftops, I did not steal the sea's wings,I did not break glass over a breast, I have not withdrawn into despair, I did not go mad in gathering honey,

I did not go mad, I did not go mad, I did not go mad.

No need for the flanks of suffering, for my armor

A ship carries us to the end of the world.
Rivers push us seaward. A destiny in which I dress. Nets by which I am woven. Statues I destroy. A debt I pay. Flocks of birds.

A disaster. An earthquake. Travel. Return.

Return. Return. Return.

Forgive me O Lord!

a shore gathering pearls, a white horse enfolding me and taking wing, a bird that immolates me as I am warmed by its eyes, eyes in which I pray and weep, my ribs that are translucent, trees of emerald, the rose of compassion above unity,the dissension of daybreak's crown, the willfulness of nightly grandeur,the sanctity of pain, roses raining down,

him, him, him

I grasp the wave and I tumble

A divine vigilance in my eyes?

I leave at your door the burnt moments of time, the sunset, the harvest of error, and endless slipping, the grasp of truth, ingots of gold, faces of those who have died, faces of those who will die, footsteps of the prophets, shadows of the priests, the thinness of words, the misfortuneof the world, the secrets of the fields,

my love for you, your hatred for me,
and the white lilies
and the white lilies.

I grasp the wave and I tumble...
I remember I was a point, I was a circle.

Hoda Al-Namani
partially translated from the Arabic by Tim Mitchell

(The full poem was not reprinted here - because of the layout of the blog, the poem may not be layed out properly either. If you can find it online, I highly recommend reading the entire poem. It's a favorite.)

Saturday, July 10, 2010

The Old Ways

"There have always been women who
remember the old ways.
Women who refuse to please others
by becoming smaller than they are.
Women who take space
with their thoughts and feelings,
their needs and desires,
their anger and their dreams.
Women full of themselves."

-Patricia Lynn Reilly

Friday, July 9, 2010


"Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth."

-Katherine Mansfield

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Perfect Love

"Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain."

- Leo Buscaglia

The Hypocrite

"Don't act like the hypocrite, who thinks he can conceal his wiles while loudly quoting the Koran".


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Bible

“I take the Bible much too seriously to take it literally.”

-Madeleine L’Engle

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The Funeral

The funeral went very well. It was very nice to be reconnected with family. I took the kids and was glad that I did, even though the service went long. There were several people they had not met yet and they were pretty well behaved.

It was good to see my step dad and we had a nice, casual talk. I also met his girlfriend, who he left my mother for, and was able to enjoy my time with her. Previously, I had not wanted to meet her. She was a nice woman however, and I could tell several of my younger cousins were very fond of her.

It struck me during the service that my Uncle had been married for a very long time to his high school sweetheart. Some of us seem more broken and fragmented by divorce or divorce(s) - and I noted that both my step dad and I were in this category. We have both been divorced twice. I can not remember if he married his girlfriend or not, but they have been together for so long, essentially they are married. For those of us who are broken for whatever reason, people like my uncle and my grandparents are so grounding. They bridge the gaps in our lives. They really anchor us, even when we can not seem to maintain relationships for whatever reasons.

I have felt very anti-marriage lately, but at some point in my life, it would be nice to remarry and stay married for the rest of my life. I think I have wanted that groundedness, but I have sought it with the wrong people. Actually, my counselor always thought that my first husband could have been the right person for me, but that it felt uncomfortable for me to be with him because of my family of origin.

It also struck me during the service that life is really not that hard. You get married, support your family, live a good life of service and love - and you are satisfied.

I am not sure how we got to this place of brokeness. With all my husband's wealthy family, contacts, brains, good connections, everything else, our life should have been very simple - even overflowing with abundance in every direction. He squandered so much and thought so little about the consequences for all of us.

My Uncle started with so little, and made a wonderful life out of it. I don't think he could have even contemplated the situation that we are in now, and it makes me sad that we missed this last part of his life. After hearing the words at his service, I know that he would have said something about it. I wish I had come to my senses sooner and left the marriage years ago. I should have filed when I found the cocaine in our house, when I first saw an attorney years ago. Things just went further downhill from there the longer I stayed.

I feel very angry with my ex lately and I can't seem to get past it. I am still sick, and I'm sure this doesn't help things, but I really think I just need a break from him for a while. I am really tired of all the repercussions from his careless actions and how they have affected the kids and me. He seems completely clueless to all of this and keeps telling me to "trust him". I keep telling him that's what got me into trouble in the first place.

I don't really think he will ever understand the extent of the damage he did to our family. I think the reason I have been able to reconnect with my step father is that I deeply sense that he does, and that he is sorry. It does not matter what your words are, your actions prove the intent of your heart.

Funeral Today

I am headed to my uncle's funeral in a bit with my children. I have not seen my step father for over 8 years - since I was pregnant with my son. I keep thinking I should feel more nervous about it, but it seems like that part of me has been healed. I am interested to see what the day brings. I know that his time is likely near, as his health has not been good for some time. So I am glad that we can perhaps have some time in person to mend. It has been a long process and we have both taken baby steps.

More than anything, it means a lot to me that he has reached out. He did have a big part in raising me, and no one is all good - or all bad.

My step father was the primary alcoholic in my life growing up. I think he set the stage for much of what has happened with my ex-husband. I remember writing to him in what I thought would be my final letter that he had set the stage for my sisters and I and the treatment we would put up with from men in our lives as adult women. I think it has taken a long time for all of us to come into our own - much longer than perhaps is natural.

My mother of course, had a part in that - and I can see that now. She did put up with him. I think that played a part in me finally leaving my husband. I did not want to end up as she had in the end with my step father. He wore her down. It has taken her many, many years to reclaim herself.

I was very angry with him about many things. But over time, this has disapated. I suppose this is a lesson for me with my ex. I remember trying for many years to forgive him, but I could not. I have felt the same way towards my ex and his parents. Time does wonders. Not having to deal with someone day-in-day-out does too. Louise Hay always says you only have to be willing to forgive, and it will happen. But it happens in its own time.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Your Heart

Your Heart Is Like a Flower.

-Thich Nhat Hanh

Saturday, July 3, 2010


"My child must not waste any energy fighting against Fate. That way, she will be stronger."

- Brick Lane

Friday, July 2, 2010


"Oh soul, you worry too much. You have seen your own strength. You have seen your own beauty. You have seen your golden wings. Of anything less, why do you worry? You are in truth the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”


A Cold in July

I woke up in the middle of the night with a horrible cold. Louise Hay says colds stem from "Too much going on at once. Mental confusion disorder. Small hurts."

It's also not July weather here. I'm disappointed to be sick. I'm headed out to the beach tomorrow morning to spend 3 days with my dad and his wife at their beach home with the kids. We always have a wonderful time there. It will be very good for the kids to have some time with their grandparents. My dad especially spends a lot of time with my son. I usually see him grow up before my eyes every year.

My daughter is doing much, much better. She has not been forced to go with her father. I think our time with the counselor was well spent, even though my ex and I did not get along during the session. My daughter had her first session earlier in the week. It is sad for me to see such a young child - my young child - in counseling already. But at the same time, I know that she has been hurt - and I would rather deal with that hurt now than have her hold it into adulthood.

She is back to her sweet curious self. Amazing what a few simple changes can do. I feel all she really needs is to be loved and held and adored.

Thursday, July 1, 2010


I am very tired of the manipulation of my former husband. Today I blew up at him over the bankruptcy. Later in the day he told me that if I would have stayed married to him, he would have paid off all the debts. He does not even seem to get why that is wrong. It's not worth even explaining to him. I don't think he will ever get it. I simply told him, if that was the right thing to do, you should have done it regardless.

He keeps telling me he loves me, but I find that hard to believe. The cost of staying with him was too high for me. I am sick about ruining my credit, but I won't play the game with him anymore.

"How can someone tell you, 'I love you,' and then mistreat you and abuse you, humiliate you, and disrespect you? That person may claim to love you, but is it really love? If we love, we want the best for those we love." Mastery of Love(101-102)


"It is always important for us to be aware of our feelings. Our feelings exist for good reason and so deserve our attention and our respect. Even uncomfortable feelings that we might prefer to avoid, such as anger and depression, may serve to preserve the dignity and integrity of the self."

-Harriet Goldhor Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy