Surviving the Agent

To survive men, women have learned to navigate male moods and to do this, they have learned to empathize with a capital “E”. Women empathize with men to such a degree that they take on male pain as if it were there own. Women for the most part aren’t aware that this is hard wired into them. If I hadn’t read, “Loving to Survive” by Dee L. Graham, I too would not have been aware that I was doing this myself. I’ve always wondered why when I see a man, even a complete stranger cry, I feel like crying too. It tugs on my heart strings and I feel responsible for making him feel better. I realize now what this means. The very idea that I feel responsible for male pain and worse, that I do not feel this at all when I see a woman cry, makes perfect sense now. Knowing this however doesn’t feel very good. It makes me cringe inside. But there it is, patriarchal survival 101, and even I, a radical feminist, can’t escape it.

Because I am a woman, who must survive in a male dominated world, I have an investment in making sure men are less violent. The need to decipher the male mood and work towards keeping them less violent is what women have done and continue to do because they believe that they can make a difference, that if they do everything right, if they are subservient enough, kind enough, loving enough, selfless enough, they can change him into a better human being. This belief is what keeps women from going off the deep end; regardless of whether or not it is true. Women need to feel safe, to have some sense of security even if this safety and security is an illusion. Women need to understand this phenomenon. Women need to understand why they behave the way they do. Why they ring their hands and feel responsible for men’s feelings and behaviors and why they stay with abusive men. It is all connected and if women understood this, they could take steps towards realizing that they too are sick with this disorder and would feel less compassion for men and more compassion for themselves and other women. Ignorance in this case is only bliss for men, not women. Ignorance also makes women less compassionate for other women who we see catering to their men.

Before coming across this knowledge, when I saw women doing this, walking on eggshells, catering to men, I would cringe because (or so I thought) it rubbed my radical feminist sensibility the wrong way; however, now even though subtle, I realize that I do the same thing when I interact with men. I also realized that it wasn’t about me being a radical feminist, but instead, me judging other women was a projection of my own self loathing. On the surface, it looks like women are needy and need male attention and approval. It may even look like compassion, but if you look deeper, you will find that this behavior comes from the need to survive male violence. To survive, women must take on their abusers perception, get inside their heads in an effort to control their abuse, in order to feel safer, they ultimately lose their own perspective and begin seeing themselves through men’s perspective.

“Captor Sees the World from the Captor’s Perspective. She or He May not Have Her or His Own Perspective. Captive Experiences Own Sense of Self through the Captor’s Eyes.”

Women believe that their best chance of survival, although brutal and painful, is to stay with the men they know (literally). Knowing their men then replaces their own sense of safety, their fight or flight instincts. Women then believe that men’s behaviors including abuse is their fault. If men lash out at women ( non persons) women are at fault because they are seeing themselves through their abusers eyes and instead of it being their abusers fault, she takes responsibility for it because she must have done something wrong to make him act that way. She wasn’t timid enough, nice enough or what have you; therefore, it was her fault. Women blame themselves because they failed at doing the one thing they have learned to do for survival and that is to keep their men less violent.

Women also feel that it would be more dangerous to leave the male batterer that they know, then to be out in the world without protection from other men. She chooses instead to stay with him, wanting to believe that even though he is violent and even though he hurts her emotionally and physically, amongst a sea of male violence, he is her life preserver. She probably also knows that when she leaves him, he could hunt her down and kill her, which is quite common due to the lack of protection provided to women in our society. Ironically, men created the nuclear family to isolate women to ensure female subservience and complicity, and this arrangement has benefited men in many ways. What men did not bargain on was the female tenacity to survive and what these survival tactics would look like.

Women have had to become invisible to survive for thousands of years and taking that first step out of bondage, by letting go of what they believe is their life preserver (men) is frightening. So with this mentality, most women don’t rock the boat. Most women don’t name the perpetrator and men continue to get away with violating women. In this insane world, women try to work on the problem that is male violence while at the same time hanging on to their life preserver for dear life. I’ve always argued that women temper male violence. That in places where there are no women such as male prisons and where women have no rights or power, where they are disenfranchised the most such as the Taliban in the Middle East, men are the most violent. When men are left to their own devices, they tend to transgress into barbarians. And although my argument is true, my reasoning on why women are able to temper male violence was incomplete, because I didn’t have all of the information needed to really understand why. The reason of course is because in places where women are allowed even the minimum of rights, such as domestic rights and the right to emotionally support their husbands, women go to extremes to make men less violent.

If women stop believing in the illusion that they can control male violence and that it is their fault if they can’t, they can begin to get out from under their denial, out from under the male perspective, their captors perspective and into their own perspective, ultimately seeing the epidemic of male violence against women for what it is, a serious threat. Then women can take steps towards protecting themselves and other women from that threat. Whether they purchase guns, learn how to use them and carry them on their person, or whether they choose other ways to defend themselves, the important thing is that women choose to protect their lives instead of continuing to protect men.

By Michele Braa-Heidner

I strongly suggest reading this entire essay - only a small portion of which I have shared here.
http://shehasthepower.wordpress.com

Clean: Overcoming Addiction and Ending America's Greatest Tragedy

I finished reading Clean yesterday. As I suspected, it was a hard and challenging read for me.

I think the biggest issue I have failed to realize with my ex-husband's addiction is that he likely has a dual diagnosis of addiction and some sort of mental illness.

David Sheff devotes and entire chapter to "Treating Dual Diagnosis".  This was one of the most enlightening segments for me.

I still don't know if my ex-husband is
A) an asshole because he is an addict
B) an asshole because he is mentally ill
C) just an asshole

I suppose it really doesn't matter.

What I have seen again and again in women who are in relationships with addicts is that they are treated poorly.  In almost every case.

So that's the tough part for me.

Sheff does acknowledge, "Another symptom of addiction is narcissism." 

Sheff did bring me a little closer to believing addiction may be a disease, and I will share many of those quotes in the weeks to come. That still doesn't feel completely true to me though.

I think learning as much as we can about addiction is helpful. I certainly wish I knew more walking into my previous relationship.  I likely would not have gone further with it.

As I said in a previous post, I do believe this is a critically important book.  It is certainly the book I would want if my children were addicts - or if I did happen to be one of the few women who was in love with an addict who treated me well.

For those of us who are left with the crumbs of a life destroyed by an addict, I suppose we need a different book. I still don't think there is nearly enough good information out there for women affected by the selfishness of an addict.

More than anything, our children need us to read that book. Because one thing I am sure of is that addiction is often learned behavior.  We need new paths for our children.

I hope, like Sheff, that one day we will have a cure for addiction. But I wouldn't hold my breath and put the lives of my children at risk waiting for it to come.

Financial Abuse

Once again, my ex can not be bothered to pay his child support on time.

He's on vacation, of course.

For those of us who have experienced ongoing financial abuse, I am sharing this link of resource from Women'sLaw.org.  I wish I had this information earlier myself, but all I can do now is hope that the same does not happen to other women.

So, here it is:

"Making or attempting to make a person financially dependent, e.g., maintaining total control over financial resources and withholding access to money, are some forms of financial abuse (also called economic abuse). Below is information on how to handle the aftermath of this type of abuse, including dealing with credit card debt and identity theft.

What is financial abuse?

Financial abuse is one form of domestic abuse. Withholding money, stealing money and restricting the use of finances are some examples of financial abuse. To figure out if your partner is financially abusing you, think about how you are being treated by answering the following questions.

Does your partner:

• Steal money from you or your family?
• Force you to give him/her access to your bank accounts to make transactions without your input?
• Make you feel as though you don't have a right to know any details about money or household resources?
• Put you on an “allowance” even if you object to this?
• Force to you to account for all money you spend by, for example, asking for receipts?
• Prevent you from working or attending school or skill-training sessions?
• Overuse your credit cards or refuse to pay the bills (thus ruining your credit)?
• Withhold physical resources from you including food, clothes, necessary medications or shelter?
• Force you to turn over your paychecks or public benefit payments?
• Force you to cash in, sell or sign over any financial assets you own (e.g., bonds, stock or property)?
• Force you to agree to power-of-attorney so s/he can sign legal documents?
• Force you to work in a family business for little or no pay?*

If you have answered “yes” to more than one of these questions, your partner may be financially abusing you.  Where there is financial abuse, there may also likely be other forms of abuse in your relationship. To see if you are being emotionally, physically, or sexually abused, you can go to the following pages on our website: Am I Being Abused? and Domestic Violence."

You can read the entire post here, which includes links for help.womenslaw.org

If you are being abused, remember:

•You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated
•You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behaviour
•You deserve to be treated with respect.
•You deserve a safe and happy life
•Your children deserve a safe and happy life
•You are not alone. There are people waiting to help

- helpguide.org

Abusive Behavior

"Abusive behaviour includes physical acts such as slapping, punching or choking. It also includes withholding food and health care or forcing a partner to engage in sexual activities against her will. An abusive husband may try to control your life by limiting your access to friends or family. He may be excessively jealous or forbid you from working or spending money. Making threats against himself, you, your children or your pets is common. A quick, intense temper that frightens you is also indication of a problem. A verbally abusive husband criticizes or humiliates you. He makes you feel helpless, calls you names, and belittles you and your accomplishments"

- Caroline Jackson

Shame

"Often those in abusive relationships feel that they have attracted a batterer or they may have developed a "pattern" of getting into relationships with partners who hurt, degrade, humiliate, hit or otherwise abuse them. Over time the repeated insults, threats, put downs and verbal trashing from their partners wears away at the mental energy to fight back or to keep up a positive image of oneself. Shame traps many victims, having a pervasive influence on the self, relationships with others, and emotional experiences"

- aardvarc.org

Abused Women

"Not all abused women were abused children, but many, if not most of them are. Abused children are prime targets for becoming abused adults. However, even women who had happy childhoods and loving parents, are susceptible to becoming victims of abuse. The gender role messages are in the very air we breathe. If you are a good woman, loving, generous, hardworking and nice, you will have a loving partnership with a strong, good man who will protect you and together you'll have a good life. If and when this expectation isn't met, women are set-up to blame themselves, and the abusive pattern begins. Maybe she's not pretty enough, thin enough, understanding enough, generous enough. Maybe she's not enough"

- The Emotional Toll of Abuse on Women© 2000 Michele Toomey, PhD

Distorted Vision

I realized the other day that I do not see people clearly, especially in my family. I have a very distorted view based on what I want to see. There is a quote from Anais Nin that says we don't see people as they are. We see them as we are.

My cousin had told me that my uncle had told his mother that he would kill her and cut her up in little pieces and bury her in the backyard and no one would ever find her. I shrugged this off as exaggeration. How you could exaggerate that I don't know. That was a month ago and he didn't contact me much in-between. I knew he was upset with me but I sided squarely with my uncle.

It bothered me the other day when I joined in on a collective poem with several other feminists based on the premise "would you harbor me?". I thought of all the ways I have sided with abusive men in my life because I saw them as I wanted them to be.

My aunt and mother had taken me aside in my grandmas kitchen the other day after my mom had told me privately she felt like my uncles' abused wife. They repeated the story and it hit me that it was probably true. I say probably because I still just can't fathom my uncle saying this. I still see him as a little girl, even though I remember clearly as a little girl walking in on him and seeing his friends injecting drugs into their arms.

It hit me that when my sister told my mom about my step dad she could not fathom it either. This was a huge disappointment I had with my mom that stood in the way of a relationship between us for a very long time. There is so little backing of the women in my family. I have not felt harbored and I imagine no one else has either.

There is also a part of me that realizes that my uncle has been a protector of me all these years. I have always known that if someone (a man) messed with me, he would, if nothing else, scare them. This gave me a feeling of confidence. But it also came at a price. I never take my uncle to task for anything, even when there were times that I knew he was wrong, and I would usually say something if it were someone else.

I have been silent.

I have also chosen not to recognize the words and feelings of the other women in my family.

I hope that I will begin to at least listen with an open heart. I hope I will begin to see people as they are, for what they are, because that is part of being honest where I have failed myself.

And more than anything else, I don't want to fail my daughter.

This Mother's Day....

Battered Women Take Custody Battles to White House
By Mary Darcy
WeNews correspondent

Friday, May 7, 2010

Battered mothers often shy away from publicity. But this year, in a sign of their growing organization, some plan to spend Mother's Day in Washington in a White House vigil to draw attention to a court system that often gives custody to abusers.

(WOMENSENEWS)--On Mother's Day, busloads of battered moms and advocates for abused children will roll into Washington, D.C.

They'll hold a vigil outside the White House in an effort to persuade President Obama to take up their cause of reforming a family court system that they say all too often puts children into the hands of abusive parents.

For some it marks a new and somewhat frightening degree of public exposure. Some of the protesters will be shrouded in scarves, hiding from their abusers or a court system they fear will punish them for speaking out.

"They're whistleblowers," said vigil organizer Connie Valentine, policy director for The California Protective Custody Association, based in Sacramento. "The system doesn't look kindly on whistleblowers. It's a difficult situation because we have seen enormous judicial retaliation against mothers who step up in front of the problem."

Efforts to quantify the problem are just beginning but protective parents claim it is widespread. A study done by the Williamsburg, Va.-based American Judges Foundation in the early 1990s showed that in 70 percent of challenged cases, battering parents involved in custody battles persuaded authorities the victimized parent was unfit for sole custody, according to a spokesperson from the foundation.

Valentine and other advocates for protective parents call the family courts broken and corrupt and say the system not only puts children into the hands of abusive parents, it also bankrupts and punishes the protective parents who fight for them. At the same time, they say it's hard to reform the system because the people it hurts are hiding from abusers and anxious to avoid publicity.

Shifting Ground
But Valentine feels the ground shifting. "I think we're in the early stages of a civil rights movement for protecting children from physical and sexual abuse."

She said the Internet is helping battered mothers come together. "E-mail has helped. It's a good part of the reason for all of the advocacy," Valentine said. "Women are beginning to see that it's not their fault and that they are just pawns in the game."

Mo Hannah, psychology professor at Siena College, near Albany, N.Y., used the Internet to organize the first annual conference for battered women seeking custody in 2004, after her own difficult custody battle.

This past January marked the seventh gathering, which meets annually in Albany and is the major organizing and networking event of the year for protective parents.

"The first conference was about getting people to talk and validate their experiences," Hannah said. "But as the conferences continued it became very clear that we needed a national movement. Now the conference is just sort of an umbrella or structure that encourages people to share with each other."

Over the seven years, women have met at the conference and formed smaller groups, such as the Massachusetts Protective Mothers for Custodial Justice.

"Mass Moms," as it has come to be known, brings together women who have gone through custody battles with those currently in the throes. Volunteers accompany women to court and on lawyer visits and play a general shepherding role.

"We stand next to a woman who is fighting for her children while she pleads and receives orders," one Mass Mom told Women's eNews at January's Battered Mothers Custody Conference.

These volunteers have all been through their own custody battles and declined to be named for fear of retribution from their ex-husbands or the court system. Many have gag orders associated with their own cases. It is this type of fear of retribution that has helped keep the protective parents movement under the radar.

The California Protective Custody Association's Valentine understands the fear that keeps women from protesting and fighting the bigger battles.

"I waited until my own children were grown so we weren't affected by the family court system," she said.

Valentine says advocates and organizers need to study and replicate the successful civil rights campaigns of the past.

"Slavery was ended with a good law but slavery wasn't ended because a good law happened to come about. The law happened because huge masses of people put their lives on the line and fought for it," Valentine said.

This year "Mass Moms" is preparing to add some more public activism to their advocacy with a demonstration taking place in Boston on a date to be announced soon. In what they're planning to call "Confetti," the moms will symbolically shred court-appointed guardian reports--which they feel are particularly unfair to protective parents--into little bits and toss them at the statehouse to call attention to the plight of protective mothers fighting for custody of their children.

In New York City, a group called V.O.W., or Voices of Women, has been working within the court system to try to provide legal counsel and one-on-one help for women. On a wider scale its mission is to "promote long-term systemic change by documenting institutional failures, testifying at hearings, creating position papers and meeting with local and state officials."

Both Valentine and Hannah say this is the right time to take the movement to the next level.

"The new president is a fatherless man with a good wife and they will hear us," said Valentine. "And if they don't hear us, Vice President Joe Biden worked on the violence against women act and he will hear us. And if they don't hear us we will keep going until they do hear us."

Upset

I have been too upset these last few days to write anything.

My grandfather's funeral was ruined many years ago because of my husband and his father. I did not want him to come to my grandmother's service because of this and he did not.

Everything went very well until after the reception. My daughter had been sick so I had kept her home from school. By 3pm, she was spent. I carried her out to the car, but she had a meltdown. I do not usually wear high heels and there was a ridge in the sidewalk I tripped over. We both fell.

I tried to break her fall with my hands, so I got pretty banged up. But she still hit her head anyway, which was upsetting for both of us. I sat there for at least 5 minutes in a daze. No one was around us or heard us and I just didn't want to get up.

She fell asleep almost as soon as I put her in the car and I called the doctor's office. The nurse told me what to watch for. When we got home, I called her dad and gave him the instructions, as he was to pick her up after our family dinner and I did not want to forget anything. He told me that perhaps I should just deal with it. That was fine with me. I told him he should come pick up our son though because he gets upset when he does not.

I had made a delicious pot roast dinner. It had slow-cooked for nearly 10 hours and was probably the best one (actually 2) I have ever made. I had invited my close family over for a dinner after the reception. I thought it would be nice to have some private time together, and dinners were always very important to my grandma.

I set the table in the morning with her China and Silver she had given me years before. I made sure everything on the table had been hers, and it made the dinner very special for all of us.

Afterwards, I asked my sister's boyfriend to play the piano for us. He did and sang beautifully. My dad and sisters and I sang along when we knew the words. I was thinking in my head that this was heaven. I really felt happy and at peace.

Then my husband came.

I don't even want to write about all the details because they still upset me. But he decided he wanted to take my daughter and she did not want to go with him. Ultimately, there was a standoff between us and he threatened to call the police. I told him to go ahead. He was a convicted felon. What were they going to do? I was with my family after my grandmother's funeral and he wants to take my children by force?

My sister stepped in and said something like, "Don't you realize our grandma just died?"

My son ran inside with me. Ultimately neither of them went with him. My dad's wife started sobbing. She had never directly witnessed this side of him. I was crying, the kids were confused, my sister's and dad were trying to comfort everyone - and my dad and my sister's boyfriend went outside to talk my husband out of calling the police or taking the kids.

Somehow, he always manages to ruin everything. He turns every event into something about him, uncomfortable without drama. I am still angry.

He came back this morning and took both the kids. My daughter was sobbing and clinging to me. She kept saying, "I want to stay with mommy." She has called me crying, which just seems like more torture for both of us. She wants to come home.

And I can't figure out why he just won't let her.

What sort of relationship does he want to have with our children?

The Power of Words

Several years ago, I saw something at my son's school that was extremely disturbing to me.

A man was berating his wife on the phone while is son stood there, looking as belittled as his mother must have felt.

He stood there screaming at her for being "so stupid", "dumb", etc.

I nearly started crying as I looked at the boy, wondering what to do.

I left my son in the car and went to the boy. I could hear all of his side of the conversation so I knew he was angry because she had not planned for childcare for the boy while they attended his parent-teacher conference.

I gave him some affection and interrupted the father to tell him I could take the boy with me. We had an extra car seat and were headed to the mall and lunch before heading to a class birthday party.

He agreed with little fanfare. I took the boy and got him into the car. I gave him a hug and asked him if he was OK. He looked shaken.

This boy was always the "problem child" in class, and this day confirmed something for me that I have always felt. When children act out, something is going on at home.

I had never seen this side of the boy. I had always seen him as the boy who got into trouble, who often did and said things I did not like.

While he was with me that afternoon, however, he was such a sweet little darling. He took my hand at the mall and seemed to blossom with the attention and kindness.

As soon as his mother joined us for lunch, the boy returned back to his rambunctious self. I was sad to see the other boy leave.

I found out later that the man was a counselor who deals with abused women. I found that extremely ironic.

This morning I got a sweet message from that woman on Facebook. I went to her page, which I had not visited yet. In the "About Me" section, she had written, "I am not very smart, but..."

Some of us as women know our worth and words do not affect us. They may sting when they are voiced by someone we love, but we know they are not true.

It was clear to me this morning that this woman had internalized everything and now believes she is stupid.

I believe we evolve (hopefully) into strong beings that will not tolerate abuse. Eventually we do not attract it anymore, it does not even come into our realm.

But I was also reminded this morning of the importance of words and the importance of using them wisely.

Disappointment

My husband was supposed to pick our son up from school yesterday. He called me after mediation, after reiterating his commitment to keeping his commitments to the kids, and said he would like to switch days.

So, I went to pick up my son. I waited in line and watched him as he approached my car.

His face fell as soon as he saw me.

Once in the car, he started crying.

When I tried to talk to him about it he started yelling at me.

I asked him what I could do to make him feel better. He shouted, "Nothing."

He said he had been looking forward to seeing his dad all day.

He cried for 15 minutes. It broke my heart. I asked him if he wanted a hug. He yelled NO. Everything I tried to help him fell flat.

I decided to pick my daughter up late and spend a little extra time with my son. She has aftercare available and was not expecting her dad. We went and got ice cream. He ordered a double scoop - a first - but I went with it.

My husband got mad at me when I told him. He said, "My heart is broken....It would mean a lot to me if you could support me and help to explain that nothing is more important to me than them, but sometimes Daddy has to work for our family."

How do you think he feels????

I did that.

You just don't get it.

I can never remember a time in my life where my dad did not show up for me. Never. Not once.

That's where your dad screwed you.

Please don't screw our son.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship

My counselor gave me this book nearly 8 years ago, when I first began seeing her at the beginning of my relationship with my husband.

I only recently started reading it. I sure wish I would have read it earlier. I suppose I was not ready for it. It was a quick read for me - I absorbed it and felt affirmed by the answers I found within the book.

I never would have put the initial signs together and thought that I was being verbally abused. What I realized after reading this book half-way is that verbal abuse usually starts gradual and it is very covert.

It was easy to acknowledge that calling me a CUNT and a BITCH was verbal abuse. There are a lot of things I can look back on and recognize as sure signs of verbal abuse. But what this book explains is all the little things that led up to that, which I suppose my counselor saw and I was blinded to.

"A child's name calling ("You poo poo!") and an adult's name calling ("You bitch!") both originate witin the same level of emotional development. The child hasn't had time to mature, so we are not disturbed by his name calling. The adult who is still name calling not only is disturbing but also be dangerous." (137)

The book also explains how his reality is completely different than mine, which actually helps a lot.

A favorite book of mine is The Four Agreements. One of the agreements is to "Not take anything personally." Throughout reading this book, I kept thinking about that agreement over and over again. I have taken the abuse by my husband and his family very personally. But this is a generational, family issue with them. This book really explained the dynamics in his family (and mine) that allowed his happen and continue.

"Now, let us look at the origins of the abuser's behavior. The typical abuser also grew up in Reality 1, where Power Over and dominance prevailed, and hence so did verbal abuse. Also, as with the case of the partner, many of his feelings were neither validated nor accepted. However, unlike the partner, he had no compassionate witness to his experience. Without a compassionate witness, he could conclude only that nothing was wrong. If nothing was wrong at all, then all his painful feelings must not exist. Automatically he stopped feeling his painful feelings. He closed them off from awareness as one would close a door. And he did not know what he suffered. In this way he closed the door on a part of himself." (171)

"Without the knowledge of his feelings - of what he had suffered - he could not experience empathy and compassion and so could not cross the threshold into Reality II. This Reality was now behind closed doors.

Since the abuser feels justified in his behavior and seems to have no comprehension of its effects, we can only assume that he is acting out his repressed feelings and is, therefore, acting compulsively. Abusers seek Power Over because they feel helpless. The helpless, painful feelings of childhood that "must not exist" and "must not be felt" do exist and, if not felt, are acted out.

A long time ago in the abuser's childhood, he closed the door on these feelings. To survive in childhood he could do no less. His feeling self, nonetheless, lived on behind closed doors.

The longer the child within is unrecognized, the more enraged it becomes, and consequently, the more rage the abuser acts out. Alice Miller tells us

As long as this child within us is not allowed to become aware of what happened to him or her, part of his or her emotional life will remain frozen, and sensitivity to the humiliations of childhood will therefore be dulled. All appeals to love, solidarity, and compassion will be useless if this crucial prerequisite of sympathy and understanding is missing. (Alice Miller, For your Own Good, 1983, p xv.)

Appeals to the abuser's compassion are fruitless, because the abuser is not empathetic." (172)

"The confirmed abuser can define himself and the interpersonal reality so convincingly that the partner may accept his definitions. Such acceptance and trust increase her confusion...to most people, he's Mr. Nice Guy."...The abuser's loss of his feeling self and consequent feelings of powerlessness usually compel him to increasing self-aggrandizement and correspondingly greater disparagement of his partner. However, he cannot, by abuse, bring his stifled feeling self to life. Since he mistakes excitement for aliveness and triumph for strength, he remains in constant need of bolstering his ideal image. Usually, verbal abusers who become physically abusive do not see themselves as abusive, even when they are arrested. The abuser's denial arises out of the conflict between who he thinks he is and his compulsion to act abusively. The denial is a defense against the shattering of his ideal image and an impending identity crisis. His very identity would be at stake if he were to admit to what he was doing. This is why verbal abusers do not sincerely apologize." (174)

"As time passes, the typical abuser is more and more unwilling to face himself and the pain of his feelings. When they do surface, their source, to him, is his partner. This is projection. Through this projection, he will accuse his partner of all that he does, and blame her for all the abuse that she suffers. She then becomes as he once was, wounded and without a witness to her wounding." (175)

The last thing I want to touch on is that she also states something that really resonates with me. While my husband and I attended the Betty Ford marriage workshop, we were told that we both played a 50% role in the blame for the relationship. My husband likes to pull this out during an arguement, but I have never believed this. Evans explains that for a therapist to even suggest this to someone who has experienced verbal abuse, is to abuse them over again.

After reading this book, I really feel that the majority of problems between both me and my husband and me and my father-in-law revolve around verbal abuse. Alcoholism and addiction seem to be a secondary issue.

Conditioning and the Partner

"A scientist conducted an experiment. She put frog number one into a pan of very hot water. The frog jumped right out. Then she placed frog number two in a pan of cool water. This frog didn't jump out. Very gradually, the scientist raised the temperature of teh water. The frog gradually adapted until it boiled to death."

- Anonymous

Grandparents

I don't have any desire for my kids to be around my husband's family. If I, as a grown woman, have anxiety about being around them, how can my young children be expected to be around them?

For me, it goes back to what my son's counselor said a long time ago. "The way that they have treated both you and your husband is not a good indicator of how they will treat your children, even without the other examples you gave me of their behavior around the children."

I guess what is really bothering me is WHY my husband is pushing for this so hard.

In his own words, they have not even asked to see the kids while they are here this week. Prior to the blow up between me and my in-laws, they didn't see the kids more than 3-4 times a year. They are not like my parents, who see the kids weekly (or nearly daily in my mom's case).

So when I go back over our argument the other day, I can't understand why things escalated to that point when his parents had not even requested to see the kids. It was my husband that wanted them to see the kids. They did not ask to.

When I ask my kids if they would like to see them, 9 times out of 10, they say no.

What is it going to take for my husband to realize who they are? Do they have to physically abuse or hurt the kids first? Or will there still be money dangling out in front of him even then?

"When a parent mentally hurts their child, the wounds can not be healed."

-Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

What is Reality?

The ultrasound has come and gone. It was odd going there and checking in. I am still on my husband's insurance but I don't feel like he is my husband anymore. The receptionist was asking questions about my husband's place of employment and date of birth. She asked for an emergency contact person and I gave her my mother's name.

This morning my mother noticed alarmingly that our downstairs toilet is leaking and needs to be repaired immediately or the wood would be damaged. I told my husband, but he has not reponded. I guess I should get used to the fact that we are on our own now. But it is a hard thing to sink in.

I suppose we have been on our own for a long time, but I could usually count on help with at least some of the big things.

It sounds like I will not hear anything back from the doctor until Monday. I am a little nervous but I decided on my way back from the clinic that I am just going to assume everything is OK until I hear otherwise. It won't help me to worry.

Last night, my husband read the blog again and sent me a 7-point response, defending himself. It is clear that we both have completely different versions of reality. My husband does not even pretend to be his nice-guy persona anymore around other people, so that at least is a little more comforting. Sometimes I think it was hard for people to envision the things that he said to me. No longer.

A friend told me the other day that when he called me a cunt, that's when it would have been over for her. It's funny how you try to remove these things from your mind, but when you finally tell people what has happened and they remind you of them, you are not able to create your own (better) reality anymore. Hearing her say it made me realize how awful things have been.

HELL

I am in such hell right now.

I have been having really bad stomach pains for 4-5 days. I finally went to the doctor today and then came home to rest. I have to go back in the morning for an ultrasound, as I needed to fast 10+ hours first.

My husband picked my daughter up from school for the first time in months. They came in and he finally brought back all my Christmas gifts. He had bought me some perfume and it was still in a box to my daughter was puzzled by it. She asked what it was. He said, that's what your mom puts on when she puts on her lingerie.

I looked at him puzzled and asked him if it was really necessary to say that in front of her.

He had offered to bring a pizza, but I felt worse just sitting here (and love to cook) so I told him I would just cook what I bought at the market yesterday. Funny, before they got here I was thinking to myself how much I had enjoyed just being a housewife and taking care of the house and family. I made a roast chicken, my favorite potatoes, garlic bread and a salad. I felt very satisfied with the meal.

My mom had picked my son up from school and brought him home. My husband started a huge fight with me in front of my mom and kids. He was supposed to come here tomorrow morning to take the kids to school so I could go back to the doctor and I think that's why he started it. (He has NEVER taken the kids to school before.) I had asked him to spend the night because the other night the pain was so bad and I wanted to go to the doctor but I had no one here and it was the middle of the night. He said he would come in the morning.

He took my perfume and threatened to throw it out into the back yard (which is like a huge forest or something with all these trees - we never would have found it, at least easily). He started talking about "my boyfriend" in front of the kids. I was like, I don't have a "boyfriend."

I told him to leave. He took my wedding rings again. (I always take them off when I cook or clean because they are nice rings.) Luckily I noticed before he left and threatened to call the police. He finally took them out of his pocket after telling me that they would do nothing because I'm his wife.

I screamed back at him I AM NOT Y0UR WIFE!!!!

He sat there and held up his middle finger to me for an extended period of time and kept saying, "I'm done with you. I'm done with you."

He said he would be back in the morning, but I don't want to fight with him and I certainly can not depend on him. How many times has he let me down before? I told him he would probably just leave me here dead like his aunt.

My mom is going to spend the night. She left with my daughter to get some stuff. I can't stop crying. I can't believe, after so many sacrifices all these years, sobriety, rehab and more rehab, abuse, bullshit, verbal abuse, women and expensive hotel rooms, depleting our finances...all of it...that this is where we have ended up.

My mistake for ever thinking shit could turn into pudding.

Quiet New Years

I decided to stay in last night in lieu of going out. I have really enjoyed this more relaxed Winter Break with my children, which will soon be over. One of the nights my sister spent the night here, the kids fell asleep on the couch and she helped me carry them upstairs to bed. We looked at how big they both looked. Time has passed quickly. It makes me sad.

We had my mom over for dinner and had a simple but delicious meal. I am so grateful for all the support my mom gives me with the kids.

My husband called several times during the evening. It seems there can be no peace between us. Sometimes I feel like he takes every little thing I say and turns it into an argument. Lately, I just end the conversation early when the accusations and cussing start. But then he begins texting me. I'm trying to ignore those too, but sometimes I feel the need to defend myself and text back. I realized last night that I really have nothing to defend myself against. I told him last night that next time, I just won't answer my phone. I'm tired of the fighting.

My husband has not seen the children since Christmas and we have several times planned over the weekend. Today, I just want to relax and keep things simple and peaceful.

Anger

My husband just called me filled with anger. His dad chewed him out for an hour and a half for needing to borrow more money. Way to berate your son for not having the skills you were too drunk to teach him as a child.

I'm sick of taking the brunt of everything. If you're angry at your father, get pissy with him.

Part of the reasons we are in this mess is because his father backed out of paying our sons $2,000 a month tuition (for a school that was entirely his idea). Try keeping your word for once and see what happens!

The bigger reason is my husbands long relapse which has basically bankrupt us. I blame my father-in-law for that too. When you give your child alcohol and raise them in chaos there is a pretty major chance they will continue the cycle and become addicts.

Why my children and I need to suffer the consequences is beyond me.

My husband wants to come home but it's hard to imagine that happening with these frequent outbursts. I told him the other night I still remember him calling me nasty names and it will be hard to ever get that out of my mind.

"Ungrateful bitch" and "you miserable cunt" hardly describe the woman who has stood by his side after all of this and borne him two children.