By way of explanation...

I don't like to repeat the same stories over and over so the blog has been very good for me. But one thing about me is I tend to get very mad very quickly and write things down as a way to get over them and then I am over them.

I keep getting really concerned looks, phone calls, texts and emails so I just wanted to say that overall I am just fine. I appreciate so many people reaching out to me though. A year ago, I would have just sat alone and kept most of this to myself. Last night a friend texted me in the afternoon after reading my post and she ended up coming over for dinner. It was great to have the company and have a few more people to cook for. I really love to cook.

I don't put the same emphasis on words that I used to. Reading Cunt was empowering to me because it gave the word different meaning for me. It still shocked me to hear that from my husband because I have never been called that. But it doesn't sting anymore.

I talked to my husband more about his entries and he said that he did that while we were separated for 9 months last year. I told him that may be, but I wish he would have just told me that at Betty Ford and we wouldn’t be talking about it now. But there is no reason for me to really believe him either because he just hasn't been honest about so many things.

Whatever the case, it just doesn’t matter to me anymore. What has been done is done, and there is nothing either of us can do to change that. There is no sense in feeling bad about it or letting it knock me over. It’s not about me.

A lot of people have questioned when and if I am going to get divorced and can't understand why this is not immediate need for me. But spiritually, I am already divorced and this has been very freeing for me. I remember last year around this time I was actually pretty stressed about the actual need to divorce ASAP but also weighing that heavily with what was right for my children. A friend who was raised Muslim reminded me that in Islam, we were already divorced because he had not had sex in more than 3 months. Great! His words took a lot of the stress off me.

Thinking back, I remember talking once to a very fundamentalist Muslim friend of mine about marriage. I always had wondered if she had judged me because I was not married when I had my son. That was actually the second thing I said after I told my husband I was pregnant. “I don’t want to get married.” In any case, she surprised me very much by her words. She said, “I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me if I am married or not. That’s between me, my husband and God.” Basically, marriage is a matter of the heart – and really nobody’s business. I love this philosophy.

In a lot of ways, marriage has become irrelevant to me. I know of very few people who are happily married. Most of the time, it seems like a big sacrifice, with not a lot to be gained. And I see a lot of people losing themselves by defining their lives by their marriage instead of their selves.

The most important thing to me is my children. My relationship to my husband and what he does do not define me as a person. I make my own definitions. My personal fulfillment has never really come from him so all-in-all I feel pretty good about my life. And I am grateful to have so many wonderful people in it.