Is this War?

I didn't sleep much last night. My daughter is having some sort of issue, which I haven't quite figured out yet, which entailed her screaming wildly every couple hours. She's only 3 so she isn't always able to clearly tell me what is wrong. She is finally sleeping soundly now.

I definately notice a difference when I don't sleep. My head doesn't feel remotely clear today. My thoughts were rambled and confused all night.

I stayed up pretty late last night before I went to bed. I exchanged a few emails with my husband as well. He says he wants to work things out. Part of my response was:

The blog has helped me sort a lot of things out. There is also stuff that has been written over at least a 2 year timeline on there. That said, I suppose it is good that everything is out, although it is a little weird. I sort of use that as my Alanon meeting and I'm sure there are things that you vent about in AA that you would not necessarily want me to hear. You and I are in a different position, which is something that probably needs to change. I am not able to go to meetings whenever I want to like you are. So while you are able to deal to things whenever you need to, I have a lot of things that have been locked up for 7 years with not a lot of outlet. The kids have always been my primary focus and responsibility. But that comes at a cost to me personally, as much as I love them.

After I wrote that, I felt somewhat at peace, but when I tried to sleep my head was spinning. I still feel violated. I went out of my way to use a pen name and protect my identity and theirs. I certainly could have just started a blog in my own name and it would all be out there. And part of me thinks, fine, they should read it. But somehow I have a feeling my father-in-law wouldn't take this nearly as well as my husband has.

It seems they are very actively trying to undermine me and are very pro-divorce. I can't quite figure that out given all that has happened. I don't think my husband would fair very well in court. But I keep remembering my father-in-law's words to me, when he said, "THIS IS WAR!" And several people have reminded me that right doesn't always win out in court, money does.

The thing that I can't seem to get at peace with is his family. Thinking about them just makes me feel sick and angry.

My husband has promised not to read the blog anymore. But part of me thinks, why should I believe him?