What has alcoholism cost me?

Alcoholism cost me my grandfather. He died much too young, much too sad, and much too angry when he died. There were no more ice cream sundaes after school, no more ding dongs, and no more long talks about life.

Alcoholism cost me my uncle. He was drunk one night and drove his best friend home. He hit a pole, and his body flipped out of the open window because he wasn't wearing a seat belt. His best friend died. He went to jail, but I think the real cost to him was not being able to forgive himself. He was never really the same.

All three of my uncles are alcoholics, and I wonder what our relationships would be like if I could really get close to them. If I wasn’t always worried about how much longer they would be alive. I have distanced myself from all of them – even my favorite uncle. It is just too painful.

Alcoholism cost me my mother. She was married to an alcoholic for 20 years. Knowing that she left my father for this mean, abusive man, killed me. It took years for our relationship to heal.

Alcoholism has stopped me from doing so many things I love these last 7 years.

I used to travel the world. I have not been out of the country since I met my husband.

I have liquidated 3 hard-earned 401ks to pay the bills, more than $100,000 in family savings and now incurred debt that we have never had.

I have been stuck in so many ways. Paralyzed really. I have stopped seeing friends I love dearly nearly as often because I am often sad. I feel alone.

I used to have parties all the time. I LOVED it. When my husband got sober the first time, I stopped, save one big party once a year. I felt like it would be too much to have all these people having fun all around him. Like I had to protect his sobriety. Now I realize that I missed out. He relapsed anyway and was out having his own parties. And I was sitting at home, alone.

But I think mostly what alcoholism has cost me is the freedom to be myself. As painful as it is to watch the ones you love stuck in their addictions, it is more painful to look at the choices you have made as an individual because you felt stuck.

Sometimes I wish I could just run away from all of it. But there is no running away from life. The same issues will be there whether you stay or leave. And somehow or another I have to learn to love the alcoholics in my life with abandon because the truth is life can be short for any of us.