Tired of Alanon

I'm tired of Alanon. I realized today in my meeting that I just wasn't feeling it. I still like the literature and I will probably go back. But today I feel like it's all the same story and when are we all going to move on with our lives and be happy?

There is a girl in there that reminds me so much of my daughter. My daughter looks a lot like me, but somehow this girl with the Russian accent is so much like my daughter to me. I sat next to her once and it was almost overwhelming for me. I had tears in my eyes nearly the whole meeting. There is something about her spirit. I haven't seen her for a long time but she was there today. The same feeling came back to me when I saw her at the prayer at the close of the meeting.

God grant me the serenity-
to accept the things I can not change-
The courage to change the things I can-
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I don't want my kids to end up in a 12-step program. I don't want them to be addicts or co-dependents. Even the thought of it is overwhelmingly sad for me.

It seems like there has to be a better alternative to all of this.

Maybe if I raise my kids with these principles they will be better for it. I just don't want them to have the life I've had, or the life my husband has had.

I spoke to my grandma early in the week about Alanon. She was married to my alcoholic grandpa for 36 years before he died. I never knew she had gone to a meeting. She did twice and hated it. She also told me that she almost killed my grandpa once. I never knew why she hates to drive. She said she feels trapped in the car on long trips. Once my grandpa brought a bottle with them while they were on a long road trip. She said he kept getting worse and worse. She said they stopped somewhere in the middle of nowhere and she thought no one would know if I just ran over him and left him.

I haven't had a lot of time to talk to my grandma about these things. I have gone to her a couple times over the years to ask her advice when things were really bad. I remember those conversations very well. Actually, I remember most of the things she has said to me. She doesn't open up a lot, so when she says something, I hold on to it. Now that her time is running out, I feel very sad. I keep thinking it is her codependency and my grandpa's alcoholism that have caused her cancer. It eats at you.

She said she preferred talking one-on-one with people as opposed to going to a big group and listing to everyone whine about their problems. I feel the same way. Sometimes I'm tired of listening to the same people week after week. It all seems so hopeless. Maybe we should just all forget the addicts in our lives. But how do you forget a child? That's what really kills me more than anyone else. When someone talks about losing a son or daughter to alcoholism or drugs, I lose it. Someone said today, if there was a cure for alcoholism, it would not longer exist. That may be true, but I am so tired of it.