The Miserable Cunt

My husband left out his Betty Ford workbook and I came across it this afternoon. I actually had seen it hidden away in a drawer in the garage several months ago but didn't really look through it.

It seemed odd to me that it was out. Almost like he left it there. When I asked him about it later, he said he had taken it out to take it with him to the condo. There are multiple places he could have left the book. The condo for one, or the box he keeps at the bank that he doesn't know I know about. But it seemed to me like it was there for a reason.

In any case, I read through it.

I have always thought my husband has had affairs. But I have never been able to prove it.

I have asked him about it point blank numerous times. But he always denied it to the hilt.

And I'm a pretty liberal person in this regard. What bothers me is the lies.

I think you always know in your heart when someone is unfaithful to you.

My husband has always denied any infidelity. He acted like I am completely crazy for even thinking it.

Even when he has stayed out all night.

Even when I have found condoms.

But what I have found tonight confirms it.

In a lot of ways, I am just relieved to finally know the truth. There is something very liberating about that.

But in another I am very angry that he lied about it and did not tell me sooner.

I was ready to file for divorce 2 years ago. I went to see an attorney then and was ready to file. Had I known, I would have made different choices. And I wasn't in this financial mess then. I could have walked away and been done and today would be completely different for me.

It's not just the infidelity. It is the lies. It is everything else. And there were 3 women. He had unprotected sex with 3 women.

And I know specifically who one of them is. She is not someone anyone wants their husband sleeping with.

It's funny because she was always the one I had suspected before. He had told me when she started using cocaine again and I was suspicious as to why he started talking to her again. He said he was trying to help her get sober, but that didn't ring true to me.

Someone else had also told me he was with her when I was pregnant with our son. It was my ex-lover V, who later ended up killing himself. And I remember so specifically the last time I talked to him on the phone...him telling me, and his intonation when he said, "I can't believe you left me, and are now with that guy." It was pure disgust in his voice. He just couldn't understand it.

I have thought about that last sentence so much over the years. Especially when V killed himself. And I know now why J never made it to his funeral. It was too much for him. It was almost too much for me.

I thought about just holding onto everything and not letting him know I knew, but I couldn't. He called about half an hour after I read everything.

So I told him I had read it. And that I knew. And I also told him I had read all the parts about him driving drunk with his family and kids in the car and putting us all at risk that way.

And instead of taking responsibility or saying he was sorry, he called me a miserable cunt.