(Shared with permission by Margaret Clapp)
Why didn't anyone tell me this was a no-win situation? Why didn't anyone tell me how "supporting my husband's recovery" would destroy my kids? I think they should post some stats of actual long term opiate recovery outcomes at meetings. This is lifetime of descending levels of hell for the families.
Over the past six years, I sold my soul, compromised my identity and values, wasted my savings, irreparably destroyed my self esteem and most horrific of all, damaged my precious daughters. For what? To keep "my marriage together", so my kids wouldn’t grow-up without a "dad". They have a "dad" alright. A "dad" who taught them, by constant example, how to lie and avoid responsibility. This is not life I imaged for myself or my lovely children.
I was never stupid or weak. Just the opposite. I am well educated. I was fit and cute and funny. I worked hard and success came easy for me. I had a supportive family and strong network of friends in a lovely upper middle class neighborhood. Notice the past tense.
In 2005, I discovered my husband had a “problem". He was coming home from work falling down high, pissing in the hallway, sleeping/watching for days, then he went off the wall, screaming, agitated, violent. You all know the drill. I was scared. I wanted to help him. I loved him. He loved me. We had two kids. I would stand by him and he would get through this. After all, we were married for better or worse.
Over the next four years I thought I was insulating my daughters form the chaos of their dad's addiction. He never drove them in car. The kids were busy at school, sports, homework, social events, spent allot of time with grandma. I took on the roll of mom and dad. put on a happy face and took care of business. All the while, demonstrating, through my daily example, how to be a doormat, how not stand-up for your rights, that a wife is not entitled to love, affection or respect, that a wife was a target for blame, that wife should never expect the truth, that lies are tolerated in marriage, that marriage is not a partnership. I allowed this to happen.
Worst of all, they knew. My sweet young daughters knew I was compromising my integrity and self respect for the sake of a drug addict. My kids, by extension, also comprised a significant portion of their childhood for a drug addict. They had no choice. They grew-up in home without trust, without respect.
At some point, I realized that he (my Opiate-addicted husband) was not married to me. The love of his life came in a pill (Oxy, Vicodine, etc). Weren't fathers supposed to put forth effort and make sacrifices for the family? His efforts and sacrifices are for drugs. He wasn't my partner in building a future our daughters. His partner is opiates. His future is getting high.
If you're still trying to be the best wife and mother possible, please stop believing everything will be OK. Every lie you ignore, every dollar missing, every late night wondering when he’ll arrive home is one more chip away from your soul. Your kids are bearing witness to your slow decay.
GRAB the kids and RUN. Why? So you don’t end-up a soulless disaster. Run. NOW. Today. Run for your life. Don’t stop until you are free from the lies and pain of someone else’s addition . Run fast. Run while you still have love in your heart, before hate overtakes your soul. Run.
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Gratitude
There have been a lot of things on my mind lately. I think I feel a heavy weight on me from dealing with the constant texting and calls from my ex. It is very exhausting. I don't think he hears what he writes or says. I don't think he hears me when I do bother to respond, so I rarely do. Yesterday was a better day between us, but I feel still we need some distance.
He seems to think that because he is paying alimony and child support, he is entitled to know every detail of my life and to harp on the past. He constantly questions me about things that are none of his business, and then accuses me of lying.
He texted me yesterday about how if I am such a strong, independent, feminist woman then I should be happy to take care of everything myself.
I told him, being a feminist, especially in Islam, is about knowing your worth as a woman and a mother. It is knowing your rights and believing that you are entitled to them. There is no holier profession in Islam than being a mother. And mothers are expected to be taken care of, so that they can meet the needs of their children.
I regret that I am still dependent on him. That was my mistake. I believed someone who I had no right to believe. I chose my kids instead of my own independence. That's a hard thing to swallow, but I am still glad I chose my kids. I can't imagine what would happen to them if I had not been here for them during this time. You build a solid foundation for your children when they are young. If you don't, there is no way to rebuild it later.
I believe women can work and take care of children well if they have a good partner. This still would not be my first choice, but I know many women who do it well. When there is no partner, working to support a family and meeting all their physical, emotional and spiritual needs is nearly impossible. I think we often blame the woman or the mother in this instance. But there is no blame - for them - here. At least as far as I'm concerned. We need better fathers. We need men to be partners in the household and family.
My ex has been nagging me about my lack of income and his support of me. He does not think I am grateful enough to him.
To me, that is like carelessly killing a young child and being required to pay the parents for their loss - and then expecting them to be grateful to you.
What is there to be grateful for? Can anything make up for the loss of a child? Can someone's destructiveness with the lives of others ever be atoned for? Certainly not financially.
When you ruin something, you repair it, at your own cost, whatever that may be. You don't ask for gratitude. You beg for forgiveness.
How dare he even ask for gratitude.
He seems to think that because he is paying alimony and child support, he is entitled to know every detail of my life and to harp on the past. He constantly questions me about things that are none of his business, and then accuses me of lying.
He texted me yesterday about how if I am such a strong, independent, feminist woman then I should be happy to take care of everything myself.
I told him, being a feminist, especially in Islam, is about knowing your worth as a woman and a mother. It is knowing your rights and believing that you are entitled to them. There is no holier profession in Islam than being a mother. And mothers are expected to be taken care of, so that they can meet the needs of their children.
I regret that I am still dependent on him. That was my mistake. I believed someone who I had no right to believe. I chose my kids instead of my own independence. That's a hard thing to swallow, but I am still glad I chose my kids. I can't imagine what would happen to them if I had not been here for them during this time. You build a solid foundation for your children when they are young. If you don't, there is no way to rebuild it later.
I believe women can work and take care of children well if they have a good partner. This still would not be my first choice, but I know many women who do it well. When there is no partner, working to support a family and meeting all their physical, emotional and spiritual needs is nearly impossible. I think we often blame the woman or the mother in this instance. But there is no blame - for them - here. At least as far as I'm concerned. We need better fathers. We need men to be partners in the household and family.
My ex has been nagging me about my lack of income and his support of me. He does not think I am grateful enough to him.
To me, that is like carelessly killing a young child and being required to pay the parents for their loss - and then expecting them to be grateful to you.
What is there to be grateful for? Can anything make up for the loss of a child? Can someone's destructiveness with the lives of others ever be atoned for? Certainly not financially.
When you ruin something, you repair it, at your own cost, whatever that may be. You don't ask for gratitude. You beg for forgiveness.
How dare he even ask for gratitude.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Emotional Integrity
"Raise your daughters with emotional integrity by helping them to be emotionally real to themselves and others. Honor all of her expressions of feelings. When she is a baby, this means understanding that she has to cry and fuss as she adjusts to her new world. When she is a toddler, it means knowing that her tantrums are a legitimate venting of her frustration - she is expressing herself in a healthy way. When she is a preteen and begins to withdraw from you or express anger toward you, it means understanding that she needs to separate from you as she moves towards adolescence."
-Virginia Beane Rutter, Celebrating Girls
-Virginia Beane Rutter, Celebrating Girls
Monday, June 21, 2010
Question
I had a very interesting conversation with my son several weeks ago that I have been thinking about a lot ever since.
I told him how much I love him and how proud I am of him. He responded with, Do You think you're proud enough to let me do whatever I want?
I think that is a very valid question.
I do think children develop their essential character by the time they are 5 years old. Of course, they still need guidance and discipline - but they also need the love and support to go out on their own path.
I hope that I can always balance the two for both of my children. I think my parents did a very good job with that overall.
I told him how much I love him and how proud I am of him. He responded with, Do You think you're proud enough to let me do whatever I want?
I think that is a very valid question.
I do think children develop their essential character by the time they are 5 years old. Of course, they still need guidance and discipline - but they also need the love and support to go out on their own path.
I hope that I can always balance the two for both of my children. I think my parents did a very good job with that overall.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Meltdowns
Things are not going well with my ex-husband and our children.
I fear our son is already becoming a co-dependent. He's always eager to please his dad and make him feel better.
My daughter is clearly upset. She is having a lot of meltdowns. 95% of the time she is fine. But something will set her off - usually a control issue - and she will go berserk.
Yesterday was the last day of school. My husband is supposed to pick the kids up from school on Wednesdays but it was a short day, so I did it. My son was disappointed that his dad was not there to do it. He had a years worth of work and projects - and a yearbook - that he was extremely proud of and wanted to show his dad.
I softened the blow by reminding him that his dad was going to take us all out for dinner to celebrate later at one of our favorite family Italian restaurants down the street.
My daughter was clearly excited for the evening too. She got all dressed up in her Easter dress - and even let me do her hair up in pigtails, which she rarely does. She put on her tiara and asked me to paint her fingernails.
I texted my husband a few minutes before he was supposed to arrive to make sure where we were at with time. They kids kept asking when their dad was coming all afternoon.
He texted me back to let me know he was still at least and hour and a half away. The kids were hungry and that was not going to fly.
His comment was that no one was more disappointed than him.
He obviously was not here to see who was disappointed and the effect that had on the kids.
I told my kids we would go to the market and they could pick what they wanted for dinner at home. My daughter had an almost immediate meltdown in the store. I told her she lost her privileges and took away her shopping cart and stickers. She started screaming in the middle of the store.
I just don't want my dad to be a part of our family.
I just don't want to see my dad anymore.
I just don't want my dad to be my dad anymore.
She repeated all of this again and again. When I told him, he accused me of feeding her this.
I am tired of reminding him that his actions cause a lot of pain to our kids and misbehavior is usually the result.
I fear our son is already becoming a co-dependent. He's always eager to please his dad and make him feel better.
My daughter is clearly upset. She is having a lot of meltdowns. 95% of the time she is fine. But something will set her off - usually a control issue - and she will go berserk.
Yesterday was the last day of school. My husband is supposed to pick the kids up from school on Wednesdays but it was a short day, so I did it. My son was disappointed that his dad was not there to do it. He had a years worth of work and projects - and a yearbook - that he was extremely proud of and wanted to show his dad.
I softened the blow by reminding him that his dad was going to take us all out for dinner to celebrate later at one of our favorite family Italian restaurants down the street.
My daughter was clearly excited for the evening too. She got all dressed up in her Easter dress - and even let me do her hair up in pigtails, which she rarely does. She put on her tiara and asked me to paint her fingernails.
I texted my husband a few minutes before he was supposed to arrive to make sure where we were at with time. They kids kept asking when their dad was coming all afternoon.
He texted me back to let me know he was still at least and hour and a half away. The kids were hungry and that was not going to fly.
His comment was that no one was more disappointed than him.
He obviously was not here to see who was disappointed and the effect that had on the kids.
I told my kids we would go to the market and they could pick what they wanted for dinner at home. My daughter had an almost immediate meltdown in the store. I told her she lost her privileges and took away her shopping cart and stickers. She started screaming in the middle of the store.
I just don't want my dad to be a part of our family.
I just don't want to see my dad anymore.
I just don't want my dad to be my dad anymore.
She repeated all of this again and again. When I told him, he accused me of feeding her this.
I am tired of reminding him that his actions cause a lot of pain to our kids and misbehavior is usually the result.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
End of the School Year
We are finally at the end of what has seemed like a very long school year!
I must take a moment to thank my parents for all of their help!
My dad's wife picks up my son every Tuesday from school. She and grandpa have dinner with him and bring him home. This is very special, consistent time for him - and he really enjoys it!
My mother has picked up the kids 2-3 times a week throughout the year. She has the doctor, taken them to the park - you name it. We have a long drive every morning to school, so I know it is a labor of love for her to come all the way from her house, to both schools, back to our house and then back to her house. (Several hours of driving each day.)
Mom, I couldn't have done it without you!
I feel so blessed to have such wonderful parents - and I know the kids are extra blessed to have amazing Grandparents.
It was a long, hard year, with many challenges we did not expect - but we made it. Apart from a good, strong family, I don't think there is anything more important than education. Thank you to my family for all their help making sure the kids get a good one!
I am also grateful to my ex-husband for paying for it! There were times I didn't think we would make it, but we did! We had not counted on this expense - nearly $30,000!!!! - but when my former father-in-law backed out of his commitment to send the kids to school, their dad made it work. So, that is one thing to be grateful about for sure!
I wish my husband's family would have spent more time, money and attention on their children while they were children. It would have been less expensive in the long-run than drugs, alcohol, rehabs, and therapy. When you let a child grow up in peace and with love, there is a lot less likelihood that they will grow up with psycological or addiction problems. And, oftentimes in a dysfuctional family, education is your only way out.
My wish for every child is that they can obtain the same quality of education my children have been able to get so far. My feeling is that if we reallocated our military budget to our schools, and fostered the growth in our own children instead of mutilating and killing other children, the world would be an entirely different place.
I must take a moment to thank my parents for all of their help!
My dad's wife picks up my son every Tuesday from school. She and grandpa have dinner with him and bring him home. This is very special, consistent time for him - and he really enjoys it!
My mother has picked up the kids 2-3 times a week throughout the year. She has the doctor, taken them to the park - you name it. We have a long drive every morning to school, so I know it is a labor of love for her to come all the way from her house, to both schools, back to our house and then back to her house. (Several hours of driving each day.)
Mom, I couldn't have done it without you!
I feel so blessed to have such wonderful parents - and I know the kids are extra blessed to have amazing Grandparents.
It was a long, hard year, with many challenges we did not expect - but we made it. Apart from a good, strong family, I don't think there is anything more important than education. Thank you to my family for all their help making sure the kids get a good one!
I am also grateful to my ex-husband for paying for it! There were times I didn't think we would make it, but we did! We had not counted on this expense - nearly $30,000!!!! - but when my former father-in-law backed out of his commitment to send the kids to school, their dad made it work. So, that is one thing to be grateful about for sure!
I wish my husband's family would have spent more time, money and attention on their children while they were children. It would have been less expensive in the long-run than drugs, alcohol, rehabs, and therapy. When you let a child grow up in peace and with love, there is a lot less likelihood that they will grow up with psycological or addiction problems. And, oftentimes in a dysfuctional family, education is your only way out.
My wish for every child is that they can obtain the same quality of education my children have been able to get so far. My feeling is that if we reallocated our military budget to our schools, and fostered the growth in our own children instead of mutilating and killing other children, the world would be an entirely different place.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Dream a Dream with Me
Last year, my favorite church service was the Celebration Sunday for the youth. Every year at the end of the school year, we honor all the children and especially those graduating from high school and college. We allow them to showcase their talents and shower them with prayers, blessings and love.
The woman who organized the service last year had a Senior graduating from High School this year, so she asked that someone else do it so she could just sit back and enjoy the service.
I have been working on the service for several months now and it has been a big project, but also a joy. I knew many of the youth at our church pretty well already, but this enabled me to learn about all the kids and what they do in their free time. I really love children, so this was very special to me. I really believe that there is nothing more important than our children, whether it be our own or those in our community.
We started the service with a slide show of all the pictures of the kids from our church. It was really fun for me to gather all the pictures together. The church has been such a community of love and support for my children these last few years, and I hope we can be the same for the other families and children in our church.
My daughter had agreed to sing a solo and had been practicing for a while. We even went to my dad's house one morning so she could practice with a microphone. She had been singing for everyone we came across. "A dream is a wish your heart makes..." She has a very sweet, clear voice and very good pitch. She will be a wonderful singer someday.
But her dad called as we were driving in to church and told me he was not coming to the service. He said he had a golf tournament. Both kids were upset, but my daughter ended up having a very difficult day. She ended up having a complete meltdown in front of the entire church. She did not sing, but many people encouraged her to sing another time soon. I am glad that she sang for my mom's mother on Friday, who has not been well for many months.
One of the other things we do is to try to include as many youth as possible in the service. So we had 3 scripture readings and different kids read those - some of my favorites:
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love God, who have been called according to God’s purpose. (Romans 8:28)
The theme for this year was "Dream a Dream with Me" and was about encouraging the kids to live out their dreams. A wonderful woman read most of the book with her deep, knowing voice. There were about 15 speaking parts throughout the book where children from ages 3-18 read various quotations from everyone from Martin Luther King Jr. to Eleanor Roosevelt. This is a beautiful book and part of a wonderful project for kids called legacyproject.org.
My son's quotation was:
"Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly."
-Langston Hughes
My son memorized his part and spoke it very well. When my daughter froze during the service and decided she did not want to sing, he got up in front of everyone on his own accord and announced, "We are having technical difficulties..." This gave us a moment of comic relief in an awkward moment.
I was extremely angry that my ex did not come to the service. I do not ever remember a time when my parents were not there for me. This was supposed to be our daughter's first solo, which is an enormous deal. I hope she will continue to sing, but I know this is going to be a painful memory.
My mother came home with us and helped with the kids. I worked out my anger on the back porch with the pressure washer for a few hours. I think the sunshine and the exercise did me good, but I am still angry.
I walked away from a really bad situation, and I am really glad about that. I just wish I did not have to continually deal with the bullshit excuses from my ex and all the repercussions to my children. It's hard to encourage your children to dream when their trust is continually broken.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Children Learn What they Live
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Church
My daughter is not adjusting well to the time with her dad. I have talked to him about this, but there does not seem to be an agreement there.
He took the kids this weekend. He picked them up around 3 and called me a few hours later to say it was not going well and that maybe I should just take our daughter. When I tried to get more information he got frustrated and was just like, Fine! I'll take her!
Great!
On Sunday, we met at church. Everyone was already seated around us and I walked in a few minutes late. As soon as I sat down he greeted me with, "Late night?"
I don't know what he is trying to accomplish there, but I have gone to that church since I was a child so regardless of what he tries to do or say, he is the one who looks like an ass.
When church was over, I was busy getting ready for next weeks service, which I am coordinating with the youth.
Somehow when he tried to take our daughter out to the car, they started fighting. He had taken them to Denny's for breakfast and then stopped an got her a donut.
I don't agree with the food choices, but if you give a 4-year-old a donut, you better plan on her eating it.
He decided that he should take the donut from her, which made her freak out.
Then he told us that I could decide when she had the donut.
So I handed it to her.
Then, he freaked out.
He started screaming at me in the church parking lot, with people around, that I needed to work on my parenting skills.
Um, no, I think you do.
So Sunday was a bit rough. I felt like she was adjusting to being with him. She was clingy. She was clearly having a hard time.
Both of her teachers called me this afternoon to discuss her behavior, which was troubling to them.
They told me that she continually says she does not like to be with her dad. They also said that contrary to the story he's been telling me, she always melts down when her dad comes to pick her up and she does not want to go with him.
When one teacher tried to talk to her about what she does with her dad, she said, "He doesn't play with me." They asked what they did and she said, "He watches TV with me."
I know they do other things but I am still troubled that she is telling me and everyone else that she doesn't want to be there.
They suggested I put her into counseling, so I made a call to my son's counselor to get her in.
I tried to talk to my ex about this tactfully. I just repeated the facts. While he expressed some concern over her, his main concern was about himself and his own feelings.
I'm tired of nurturing the child in a grown man. This is the job his parents should have done. Now, all three of us are left with the rubble.
He took the kids this weekend. He picked them up around 3 and called me a few hours later to say it was not going well and that maybe I should just take our daughter. When I tried to get more information he got frustrated and was just like, Fine! I'll take her!
Great!
On Sunday, we met at church. Everyone was already seated around us and I walked in a few minutes late. As soon as I sat down he greeted me with, "Late night?"
I don't know what he is trying to accomplish there, but I have gone to that church since I was a child so regardless of what he tries to do or say, he is the one who looks like an ass.
When church was over, I was busy getting ready for next weeks service, which I am coordinating with the youth.
Somehow when he tried to take our daughter out to the car, they started fighting. He had taken them to Denny's for breakfast and then stopped an got her a donut.
I don't agree with the food choices, but if you give a 4-year-old a donut, you better plan on her eating it.
He decided that he should take the donut from her, which made her freak out.
Then he told us that I could decide when she had the donut.
So I handed it to her.
Then, he freaked out.
He started screaming at me in the church parking lot, with people around, that I needed to work on my parenting skills.
Um, no, I think you do.
So Sunday was a bit rough. I felt like she was adjusting to being with him. She was clingy. She was clearly having a hard time.
Both of her teachers called me this afternoon to discuss her behavior, which was troubling to them.
They told me that she continually says she does not like to be with her dad. They also said that contrary to the story he's been telling me, she always melts down when her dad comes to pick her up and she does not want to go with him.
When one teacher tried to talk to her about what she does with her dad, she said, "He doesn't play with me." They asked what they did and she said, "He watches TV with me."
I know they do other things but I am still troubled that she is telling me and everyone else that she doesn't want to be there.
They suggested I put her into counseling, so I made a call to my son's counselor to get her in.
I tried to talk to my ex about this tactfully. I just repeated the facts. While he expressed some concern over her, his main concern was about himself and his own feelings.
I'm tired of nurturing the child in a grown man. This is the job his parents should have done. Now, all three of us are left with the rubble.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Toys
"As a child I thought of him as a sick man and his bedroom as a sickroom. It made my childhood here very unhappy. As a child I used to think, about my father and my mother, 'These people don't know that I'm a person, too, and that I too need help. I'm not a toy they just happened to make."
-Ana, Half a Life by V.S. Naipaul
-Ana, Half a Life by V.S. Naipaul
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Force
Today is my husband's birthday. We had a busy day planned but agreed that he would come and get the kids for a few hours. He wanted to take them to lunch and then to see his parents.
My daughter had been dreading this all day. When my husband arrived, he tried to force the issue.
I told him my grandmother had a suggestion. Our daughter is still very young. Forcing her at this age will only make things worse. Take it slow - let her work into it. She's still very young to go with him alone - when she is ready, she will want to. Right now, if she doesn't want to go, just take the boy.
I thought this made a lot of sense. My grandmother had 5 kids and many grandchildren. I respect her.
But for an hour, my husband continued to push my daughter, taking her several times anyway from me, with her kicking and screaming.
I tried to speak reasonably with him. He just doesn't seem to understand. He just wanted to keep standing there and debating it.
He had also arrived late, so by then it was 2pm and none of us had eaten lunch. I told him that in and of itself was not a good thing for any of us.
Our son had gotten in the car, but after 15 minutes of that, he ran out and stood by my daughter and I. He had decided that he did not want to go either.
I felt sorry for my husband. It was his birthday. I know his dad will give him hell, which probably put more pressure on him. But I do not believe forcing the kids to go with him is good for anyone.
He still believes it is - and called me afterwards to continue the argument. I told him I'd like to see our son's counselor together and get her professional opinion. He agreed to go, but continued to badger me.
I told him I had to go.
My life continues to get better and better as I focus on other things. But these arguments are very draining. I still have a lot to do for a fundraiser today, but quite honestly, I don't feel like doing a damned thing.
I guess that will probably be the best medicine for me. Seems like that is usually the case.
My daughter had been dreading this all day. When my husband arrived, he tried to force the issue.
I told him my grandmother had a suggestion. Our daughter is still very young. Forcing her at this age will only make things worse. Take it slow - let her work into it. She's still very young to go with him alone - when she is ready, she will want to. Right now, if she doesn't want to go, just take the boy.
I thought this made a lot of sense. My grandmother had 5 kids and many grandchildren. I respect her.
But for an hour, my husband continued to push my daughter, taking her several times anyway from me, with her kicking and screaming.
I tried to speak reasonably with him. He just doesn't seem to understand. He just wanted to keep standing there and debating it.
He had also arrived late, so by then it was 2pm and none of us had eaten lunch. I told him that in and of itself was not a good thing for any of us.
Our son had gotten in the car, but after 15 minutes of that, he ran out and stood by my daughter and I. He had decided that he did not want to go either.
I felt sorry for my husband. It was his birthday. I know his dad will give him hell, which probably put more pressure on him. But I do not believe forcing the kids to go with him is good for anyone.
He still believes it is - and called me afterwards to continue the argument. I told him I'd like to see our son's counselor together and get her professional opinion. He agreed to go, but continued to badger me.
I told him I had to go.
My life continues to get better and better as I focus on other things. But these arguments are very draining. I still have a lot to do for a fundraiser today, but quite honestly, I don't feel like doing a damned thing.
I guess that will probably be the best medicine for me. Seems like that is usually the case.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Upset
I have been too upset these last few days to write anything.
My grandfather's funeral was ruined many years ago because of my husband and his father. I did not want him to come to my grandmother's service because of this and he did not.
Everything went very well until after the reception. My daughter had been sick so I had kept her home from school. By 3pm, she was spent. I carried her out to the car, but she had a meltdown. I do not usually wear high heels and there was a ridge in the sidewalk I tripped over. We both fell.
I tried to break her fall with my hands, so I got pretty banged up. But she still hit her head anyway, which was upsetting for both of us. I sat there for at least 5 minutes in a daze. No one was around us or heard us and I just didn't want to get up.
She fell asleep almost as soon as I put her in the car and I called the doctor's office. The nurse told me what to watch for. When we got home, I called her dad and gave him the instructions, as he was to pick her up after our family dinner and I did not want to forget anything. He told me that perhaps I should just deal with it. That was fine with me. I told him he should come pick up our son though because he gets upset when he does not.
I had made a delicious pot roast dinner. It had slow-cooked for nearly 10 hours and was probably the best one (actually 2) I have ever made. I had invited my close family over for a dinner after the reception. I thought it would be nice to have some private time together, and dinners were always very important to my grandma.
I set the table in the morning with her China and Silver she had given me years before. I made sure everything on the table had been hers, and it made the dinner very special for all of us.
Afterwards, I asked my sister's boyfriend to play the piano for us. He did and sang beautifully. My dad and sisters and I sang along when we knew the words. I was thinking in my head that this was heaven. I really felt happy and at peace.
Then my husband came.
I don't even want to write about all the details because they still upset me. But he decided he wanted to take my daughter and she did not want to go with him. Ultimately, there was a standoff between us and he threatened to call the police. I told him to go ahead. He was a convicted felon. What were they going to do? I was with my family after my grandmother's funeral and he wants to take my children by force?
My sister stepped in and said something like, "Don't you realize our grandma just died?"
My son ran inside with me. Ultimately neither of them went with him. My dad's wife started sobbing. She had never directly witnessed this side of him. I was crying, the kids were confused, my sister's and dad were trying to comfort everyone - and my dad and my sister's boyfriend went outside to talk my husband out of calling the police or taking the kids.
Somehow, he always manages to ruin everything. He turns every event into something about him, uncomfortable without drama. I am still angry.
He came back this morning and took both the kids. My daughter was sobbing and clinging to me. She kept saying, "I want to stay with mommy." She has called me crying, which just seems like more torture for both of us. She wants to come home.
And I can't figure out why he just won't let her.
What sort of relationship does he want to have with our children?
My grandfather's funeral was ruined many years ago because of my husband and his father. I did not want him to come to my grandmother's service because of this and he did not.
Everything went very well until after the reception. My daughter had been sick so I had kept her home from school. By 3pm, she was spent. I carried her out to the car, but she had a meltdown. I do not usually wear high heels and there was a ridge in the sidewalk I tripped over. We both fell.
I tried to break her fall with my hands, so I got pretty banged up. But she still hit her head anyway, which was upsetting for both of us. I sat there for at least 5 minutes in a daze. No one was around us or heard us and I just didn't want to get up.
She fell asleep almost as soon as I put her in the car and I called the doctor's office. The nurse told me what to watch for. When we got home, I called her dad and gave him the instructions, as he was to pick her up after our family dinner and I did not want to forget anything. He told me that perhaps I should just deal with it. That was fine with me. I told him he should come pick up our son though because he gets upset when he does not.
I had made a delicious pot roast dinner. It had slow-cooked for nearly 10 hours and was probably the best one (actually 2) I have ever made. I had invited my close family over for a dinner after the reception. I thought it would be nice to have some private time together, and dinners were always very important to my grandma.
I set the table in the morning with her China and Silver she had given me years before. I made sure everything on the table had been hers, and it made the dinner very special for all of us.
Afterwards, I asked my sister's boyfriend to play the piano for us. He did and sang beautifully. My dad and sisters and I sang along when we knew the words. I was thinking in my head that this was heaven. I really felt happy and at peace.
Then my husband came.
I don't even want to write about all the details because they still upset me. But he decided he wanted to take my daughter and she did not want to go with him. Ultimately, there was a standoff between us and he threatened to call the police. I told him to go ahead. He was a convicted felon. What were they going to do? I was with my family after my grandmother's funeral and he wants to take my children by force?
My sister stepped in and said something like, "Don't you realize our grandma just died?"
My son ran inside with me. Ultimately neither of them went with him. My dad's wife started sobbing. She had never directly witnessed this side of him. I was crying, the kids were confused, my sister's and dad were trying to comfort everyone - and my dad and my sister's boyfriend went outside to talk my husband out of calling the police or taking the kids.
Somehow, he always manages to ruin everything. He turns every event into something about him, uncomfortable without drama. I am still angry.
He came back this morning and took both the kids. My daughter was sobbing and clinging to me. She kept saying, "I want to stay with mommy." She has called me crying, which just seems like more torture for both of us. She wants to come home.
And I can't figure out why he just won't let her.
What sort of relationship does he want to have with our children?
Monday, May 3, 2010
I will survive on my own
Last night my son told me he thinks he knows what is going to happen now.
He said that he thinks I will get married to someone else.
I told him I did not want to get married again.
He asked me, then who will protect you?
I told him I would protect myself.
He told me that I needed to go get a Superman hat like the one my mom just bought him and wear it so that boys will like me.
I feel like I have failed him on some level as a feminist mother.
I did not think I had raised him with these values, but they are there. I'm really glad we got rid of the TV. Now that I think through it, there are very few role models for children of strong single women.
Nearly all the cartoons have a mother and father. I can't think of anything that doesn't have a mom and dad, married. Even in Up, a movie that I really loved, the boy was not fulfilled until another man took interest in him.
As we were driving to school this morning, he asked me to turn the stereo down. He said he heard something hit the car. When he got out, he took a tour around the car to make sure all the tires were OK before we drove off.
I don't want him to take on the job of my protector either. It is sweet, but he is only 7.
I need to work harder at showing him that I can survive on my own.
He said that he thinks I will get married to someone else.
I told him I did not want to get married again.
He asked me, then who will protect you?
I told him I would protect myself.
He told me that I needed to go get a Superman hat like the one my mom just bought him and wear it so that boys will like me.
I feel like I have failed him on some level as a feminist mother.
I did not think I had raised him with these values, but they are there. I'm really glad we got rid of the TV. Now that I think through it, there are very few role models for children of strong single women.
Nearly all the cartoons have a mother and father. I can't think of anything that doesn't have a mom and dad, married. Even in Up, a movie that I really loved, the boy was not fulfilled until another man took interest in him.
As we were driving to school this morning, he asked me to turn the stereo down. He said he heard something hit the car. When he got out, he took a tour around the car to make sure all the tires were OK before we drove off.
I don't want him to take on the job of my protector either. It is sweet, but he is only 7.
I need to work harder at showing him that I can survive on my own.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
First Weekend Away from my Kids
Last night was the first time my husband picked up the kids for the weekend. I was headed out and they stopped by to bring my some flowers. It had been a tough week for me.
It was a sweet gesture, but this seemed to upset my daughter quite a bit. I don't think she's ever spent the night with just her dad. She started crying and ended up hysterical, clutching onto even my hair as he pulled her off me.
I think it was upsetting for him too but he dealt with it differently than I would have. I wanted to just stay and talk it out with her until she felt comfortable to leave with him. After 20 minutes of that, he got frustrated and dragged her off screaming. I could hear her crying as they drove off.
I sobbed for nearly an hour. It hit me very hard. I thought about not going out. I cried all the way downtown. But I got composed and luckily I was meeting a group of women who my friend had put together who I had not met yet, so I pulled it together.
My husband texted me several times during the night to let me know she was doing well and having fun, so that put my mind more at ease.
It was good to be with other women and just have fun. We sat and talked for 3-4 hours and then my friend and I left together. She lives in a fun area where we can just walk around, so we went back to her house and ventured off again. I don't like to drink and drive, so I just stayed with her. We stayed up late talking like teenagers and finally went to bed pretty late.
She had to get up early for a run, so I ended up getting up pretty early too. I am having a party at my home later so I need to get ready for that - and get back out to the hospital. I realized yesterday I need to take some time for myself too. I was pretty worn out from being at the hospital all week. I have not had time to exercise or even get groceries.
A friend said something interesting to me yesterday as we were talking about this party. She had met me when my son was a baby, so has never known me as just a woman - not a mother. She said, "Wow, you're actually a person now too - there is a whole other side to you than "mom'!"
It was a sweet gesture, but this seemed to upset my daughter quite a bit. I don't think she's ever spent the night with just her dad. She started crying and ended up hysterical, clutching onto even my hair as he pulled her off me.
I think it was upsetting for him too but he dealt with it differently than I would have. I wanted to just stay and talk it out with her until she felt comfortable to leave with him. After 20 minutes of that, he got frustrated and dragged her off screaming. I could hear her crying as they drove off.
I sobbed for nearly an hour. It hit me very hard. I thought about not going out. I cried all the way downtown. But I got composed and luckily I was meeting a group of women who my friend had put together who I had not met yet, so I pulled it together.
My husband texted me several times during the night to let me know she was doing well and having fun, so that put my mind more at ease.
It was good to be with other women and just have fun. We sat and talked for 3-4 hours and then my friend and I left together. She lives in a fun area where we can just walk around, so we went back to her house and ventured off again. I don't like to drink and drive, so I just stayed with her. We stayed up late talking like teenagers and finally went to bed pretty late.
She had to get up early for a run, so I ended up getting up pretty early too. I am having a party at my home later so I need to get ready for that - and get back out to the hospital. I realized yesterday I need to take some time for myself too. I was pretty worn out from being at the hospital all week. I have not had time to exercise or even get groceries.
A friend said something interesting to me yesterday as we were talking about this party. She had met me when my son was a baby, so has never known me as just a woman - not a mother. She said, "Wow, you're actually a person now too - there is a whole other side to you than "mom'!"
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Expressing Sexuality to our Children
I have been thinking a great deal about sexuality and what I hope to express to my children these last few days.
Your sexuality belongs to you. No one else.
No one else owns you or determines your pleasure. That is yours alone. If you wish to share it with someone you love, all the better. Be neither selfish nor selfless. The best pleasure is mutual. But this mutual pleasure does not entitle someone else to control you in any way.
Your sexuality does not belong to anyone; even to God.
It is a gift from God, to be cherished. A gift is given, without strings attached. When you realize the enormity of the gift, you will never squander it.
The worst crime against humanity is to force your sexuality upon someone else. Someone may force themselves upon you, especially as a woman, but you can still reclaim your sexuality for yourself. It is a gift that no one can take from you, even by force.
It is not a matter of how many lovers you have had, but that you enjoy each encounter of your own free will. Your sexuality is no one's business but your own. You are not required to give anyone a report.
When you make a commitment to someone, keep it. If you are clear about the boundaries of your relationship, you will have fewer problems. But all relationships have problems. Don't let someone try to make you guilty for something that was within your right and boundary. Avoid jealous people.
"Even little kids get jealous of their toys and then tire of them." - Elegy
It does not matter when you lose your virginity, but it does matter that you do so thoughtfully and purposefully. Do it when you are ready, when you feel love and security within yourself.
Do not let someone else persuade you. Do not do things that feel unnatural to you. If something feels right, enjoy it. Be careful but not fearful; always protect yourself and others.
Do not let anyone else determine what or who you are. You know who you are, and above all else, God knows who you are. It is s/he who created you, beautifully, perfectly and sexually.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
-Kahlil Gibran on Love
Your sexuality belongs to you. No one else.
No one else owns you or determines your pleasure. That is yours alone. If you wish to share it with someone you love, all the better. Be neither selfish nor selfless. The best pleasure is mutual. But this mutual pleasure does not entitle someone else to control you in any way.
Your sexuality does not belong to anyone; even to God.
It is a gift from God, to be cherished. A gift is given, without strings attached. When you realize the enormity of the gift, you will never squander it.
The worst crime against humanity is to force your sexuality upon someone else. Someone may force themselves upon you, especially as a woman, but you can still reclaim your sexuality for yourself. It is a gift that no one can take from you, even by force.
It is not a matter of how many lovers you have had, but that you enjoy each encounter of your own free will. Your sexuality is no one's business but your own. You are not required to give anyone a report.
When you make a commitment to someone, keep it. If you are clear about the boundaries of your relationship, you will have fewer problems. But all relationships have problems. Don't let someone try to make you guilty for something that was within your right and boundary. Avoid jealous people.
"Even little kids get jealous of their toys and then tire of them." - Elegy
It does not matter when you lose your virginity, but it does matter that you do so thoughtfully and purposefully. Do it when you are ready, when you feel love and security within yourself.
Do not let someone else persuade you. Do not do things that feel unnatural to you. If something feels right, enjoy it. Be careful but not fearful; always protect yourself and others.
Do not let anyone else determine what or who you are. You know who you are, and above all else, God knows who you are. It is s/he who created you, beautifully, perfectly and sexually.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
-Kahlil Gibran on Love
Friday, April 9, 2010
Sharing our Recovery with Our Children
I just finished this book and I thought it was fantastic. But I was most excited to see a chapter devoted to children, as I don't think this is talked about enough.
Here are a few quotes I liked.
...children need something more. It doesn't do us any good if someone else is recovering and we aren't. If our children have lived with parents with active alcoholism, food, or sex addictions, unresolved adult children issues, or with parents lacking the ability to deal with feelings and be nurturing, then our children may have these problems too. If our kids have lived with parents who have been in pain, then our children are probably in pain too.
Not every child from a dysfunctional family will have troubles in his or her life, but many will. Some will adapt and people please until they bottom out in mid-life. Some won't know they're in trouble until they've had enough time struggling through life and relationships to understand they aren't doing well at either. Some will crash head on at a young age into jails, mental institutions, and morgues.
One of these days, and maybe that day has already arrived, we're going to collectively slap ourselves on our foreheads and wonder why we're waiting for our children to grow up before we give them the hope of healing and recovery.
We don't have to wait until our children are addicted or in trouble to intervene. We don't have to wait until our children hate themselves before we begin to teach them how to love themselves.
What can we do in our families, schools, and communities to reach the children? What do they need? They need the same things we need on an age-appropriate level. The children need to lose their invisibility. They need to be recognized as people who need their own healing process...Children need to know about the effects of alcohol and other drugs, but they also need to learn how to stop their pain. They need to learn how to love, nurture, and accept themselves. They need to know the family problems are not their fault.
We need families, churches, schools, and communities filled with healthy people so our children will have healthy role models and adults to interact with. They need to be surrounded by people who are enjoying life and doing their own recovery work, so they can see what the good life looks and feels like.
...there is hope for our families, our children, and ourselves. I believe in recovery. I believe in changed lives. I believe in children. I even believe in childhood.
- Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency, "Sharing our Recovery with our Children"
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Sexuality
Today was my son's 7th birthday. Once again, it was ruined by my husband, with my son ending up in tears.
My husband decided to bring up a bunch of stuff at my son's birthday dinner about what he imagines my sexual life to be currently.
No thanks to my ex-friend (who is no more or less a "whore" than me), who took it upon herself to supply my soon-to-be-ex-husband with her version of reality.
I only wish I was having as much sex as everyone supposes. Literally, I can think of nothing better.
I am a sexual woman. I always have been. I do not have guilt or shame around that.
I never cheated on my husband while we were together. He did. At least 3 times that I know of, and I'm guessing much more.
But because I am a "woman" there is some bullshit double standard.
And I don't buy into that.
But I also don't think that it is appropriate for him to bring up what he "thinks" I have done - after our relationship is over - in front of our 3- and 7-year-old at our son's birthday dinner.
I have never told my son what my husband did with other women. Why would I??
It has nothing to do with him.
The only aim in that would be to hurt my son. And I would never do that.
Even if I were a "whore", I don't believe that would make me less of a person.
I absolutely do not believe that.
We as woman have intrinsic worth, above and beyond what society labels us. Jesus himself hung out with the prostitutes, which is something "Christians" seem to forget.
I remember as a young girl, my dad's second wife, in a fit of rage, told me that my mother was a whore. I burst into tears. I never got over it until I was in my late twenties. I realized, my mother was no whore. She is the best and kindest woman in the world. I was so sorry I had misjudged her, based on a vindictive and mean-hearted woman. Children are so innocent. God sees that and God makes his own marks.
There is nothing wrong with our sexuality. Nothing. God him/herself created it.
I will not let my son suffer. Perhaps this was a lesson he can learn now - and better for him to learn it now. Women are women. They are not whores or sluts or lesser than any man for having the same sexuality that a man is free to express without question or remark. Our sexuality does not determine who we are as a person.
I took my son aside, held him tight, and told him, YOU KNOW WHO I AM. NEVER FORGET THAT.
Later, my son told my daughter and I, "What daddy called you is something no one should call anyone."
He was right.
This is a poem I wrote when I was 19.
Whoring Lives
You left and suddenly,
you were fucking dad's employee
Wasn't quite appropriate for a Music Minister's wife
Mad, unstable mother -
we lived with dad
Visits were sneaking into a "no kids allowed" shit hole after your lover left you
hiding in the bathroom of a tiny studio inside a cabinet that was of course
empty.
That scrawny, bent-over manager tried to bribe you
with a little fix it all in the bathroom talk
we left.
There was an Albertson's dumpster out back
a new apartment for unwed mothers
digging out donuts bread cereal
you'd feed us Tuesday nights,
our nights.
Finally, your friend came back
pregnant mommy got married
"mommy moo moo"
but you were bigger than a cow,
then.
Years later, I heart your mother, a whore
and the weeping never stopped
2 men and a rape were too much
sleeping around for the pretend-to-be-wife
of a Minister of Music
who was really only a daughter
of an alcoholic and a whore.
My husband decided to bring up a bunch of stuff at my son's birthday dinner about what he imagines my sexual life to be currently.
No thanks to my ex-friend (who is no more or less a "whore" than me), who took it upon herself to supply my soon-to-be-ex-husband with her version of reality.
I only wish I was having as much sex as everyone supposes. Literally, I can think of nothing better.
I am a sexual woman. I always have been. I do not have guilt or shame around that.
I never cheated on my husband while we were together. He did. At least 3 times that I know of, and I'm guessing much more.
But because I am a "woman" there is some bullshit double standard.
And I don't buy into that.
But I also don't think that it is appropriate for him to bring up what he "thinks" I have done - after our relationship is over - in front of our 3- and 7-year-old at our son's birthday dinner.
I have never told my son what my husband did with other women. Why would I??
It has nothing to do with him.
The only aim in that would be to hurt my son. And I would never do that.
Even if I were a "whore", I don't believe that would make me less of a person.
I absolutely do not believe that.
We as woman have intrinsic worth, above and beyond what society labels us. Jesus himself hung out with the prostitutes, which is something "Christians" seem to forget.
I remember as a young girl, my dad's second wife, in a fit of rage, told me that my mother was a whore. I burst into tears. I never got over it until I was in my late twenties. I realized, my mother was no whore. She is the best and kindest woman in the world. I was so sorry I had misjudged her, based on a vindictive and mean-hearted woman. Children are so innocent. God sees that and God makes his own marks.
There is nothing wrong with our sexuality. Nothing. God him/herself created it.
I will not let my son suffer. Perhaps this was a lesson he can learn now - and better for him to learn it now. Women are women. They are not whores or sluts or lesser than any man for having the same sexuality that a man is free to express without question or remark. Our sexuality does not determine who we are as a person.
I took my son aside, held him tight, and told him, YOU KNOW WHO I AM. NEVER FORGET THAT.
Later, my son told my daughter and I, "What daddy called you is something no one should call anyone."
He was right.
This is a poem I wrote when I was 19.
Whoring Lives
You left and suddenly,
you were fucking dad's employee
Wasn't quite appropriate for a Music Minister's wife
Mad, unstable mother -
we lived with dad
Visits were sneaking into a "no kids allowed" shit hole after your lover left you
hiding in the bathroom of a tiny studio inside a cabinet that was of course
empty.
That scrawny, bent-over manager tried to bribe you
with a little fix it all in the bathroom talk
we left.
There was an Albertson's dumpster out back
a new apartment for unwed mothers
digging out donuts bread cereal
you'd feed us Tuesday nights,
our nights.
Finally, your friend came back
pregnant mommy got married
"mommy moo moo"
but you were bigger than a cow,
then.
Years later, I heart your mother, a whore
and the weeping never stopped
2 men and a rape were too much
sleeping around for the pretend-to-be-wife
of a Minister of Music
who was really only a daughter
of an alcoholic and a whore.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Mothers (should) have Value
"...when nurturing children is truly valued, mothers who work at home will be economically protected and men will want to join us as equal partners in parenting."
- Harriet Lerner, The Mother Dance
- Harriet Lerner, The Mother Dance
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