I had a really good talk with my husband last night.
He asked me again what we are going to do, and I told him I don't know.
He said it sounded like I was already done from the things I said.
We shifted back to talking to the kids. I told him that my father always came home at night. Even when he was dating.
He was married to a miserable woman for 17 years - and my husband knows that very well because we used to interact with her.
In any case, I told him, all those years, my dad still always came home and we always had dinner as a family. I think when I put it in those terms, he could understand it better.
In listening to him, it seems like he has justified not coming home in his mind because he thought that I had done something wrong.
I told him, even if I had, it doesn't matter. You don't just not come home. You have no idea what that does to someone - especially your kids.
Then I asked him, did your dad ever do that to you?
His face sort of faltered, like my words had really stung.
He hung his head, and said yes.
I told him I had carried both those children in my stomach for 9 months, and breast fed both of them for 2 years and taken care of every little aspect of their lives - and I wasn't going to let anyone hurt them like that.
He started to say that he was their father...
I interrupted and said, it's NOT the same. You didn't carry them. You don't feel the things I feel.
I told him, I know you had a raw deal with both of your parents, but you are 38-years-old now and things need to change.
Regardless of what happens between us, I want the kids to have a good father. And I want us to get back to being respectful and kind to each other. Because there will still always be a part of him that I love - he's the father of my children - and I see him in their little faces every day.
We talked for hours. I think it helped that we did it at our club. The kids have a play room upstairs so we were really able to talk without distractions. And, although there were a few times when we both got pretty frustrated, we also managed to hear each other and make it through the entire conversation.
My 2nd divorce really hurt me because I knew inside the jerk that my husband was being was a good man, a good man who just couldn't get it together in the ways that I needed him to get it together, for the betterment of our family.. And because kids hear and see everything, my children had, without my realizing chosen "sides." One day son #1 said, "Dad's such a jerk." And I had to tell him, "Hey, as a husband your Dad sucked but that's between him and me. As a Dad he was good to you. Love him for that and leave the rest up to me." I found myself explaining the same thing to family and friends and it really helped everyone to realize that yeah, as a husband he was a jerk but he did (and continues to do so) right by his kids and that's all that really matters. Fast forward 10 yrs. and hubby #2 and I are best of friends. It took a lot of work but in the end I was glad that I separated the husband from the Dad and didn't do what I see alot of women do which is turn their children against their Dad. Of course things would have been alot different were he to ever have put my children in harms way..
ReplyDeleteTalking is always a plus.. It doesn't mean you're caving in, giving in, none of that. You're looking to do right by your children and no one can fault you for that. - Kudos.
Thank you - that is great advice!
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