Father's Day

My dad and I sang a song he wrote in the 70's at church this morning. We haven't sang together in years so this was very special to do on Father's Day.

I am enormously grateful to have such a caring, kind and consistent father. He has always been there for me throughout my life. And, he's a pretty wonderful grandpa too!

His faith has always been the guiding force in his life so this song seems very appropriate. I've been on many different paths in my life, but I think when you have good parents, they let you wander a little and know you will always find the right way.

Guide My Path

I stand in all my weakness,
asking for your strength
And with my many problems,
I ask You for your grace.

Lord show me what’s right.
Guide my path with light.
Take me in your mighty hands,
guide me on my way.

When my load is heavy,
won’t you lighten it for me
And when I go astray from you,
Lord help me to see...

Lord show me what’s right.
Guide my path with light.
Take me in your mighty hands,
guide me on my way.

When my life is over,
I hope it can be said
I did my best to live as you,
knowing for me you bled.

Lord show me what’s right.
Guide my path with light.
Take me in your mighty hands,
guide me on my way.

-Bob Hendren

bobhendrenmusic.com

Disgusted

I am getting increasingly disgusted with my husband. It's one thing to go all out on Christmas presents when you have a lot of money. But quite a different thing when you don't. We have stacks of bills here that need attention. After asking numerous times, (and him telling me twice he would take care of it) and telling him we don't even have milk, we now have $10 in our joint account.

Why it was necessary to go overboard with the kids is beyond me. I suppose he thinks it makes him looks like a good father.

Ignoring the basic needs of your family is not being a good father. No matter how many gifts you stack on top of it.

And now he repeatedly just asks me where we are with things? Well where do you think we are when you are acting like a controlling asshole? Do you think that makes me want to be married to you?

He has zero understanding of anything. the kids keep asking for things to eat and I keep telling we don't have money for that now. We will have to make due with what we have.

Dick

The Memorial Service turned out to be more of a blessing than I could have hoped for. The family wanted everyone to wear Hawaiian attire. I was fixated on being sad and sat on my bed for a long time trying to figure out something I could wear. Nothing seemed right. Then, I started laughing, as I remembered the big floppy hat we bought in Maui when I was pregnant with my daughter. My friend T had also just sent me a beautiful dress that would also be lovely. It wasn't at all what I would normally wear to a funeral, but it was airy and bright, and I enjoyed getting ready.

I picked up my grandmother and enjoyed our ride together. Normally, I hate driving. But we had a nice visit. She told me some stories about Dick and my grandfather that I had not heard before.

The music at the service was beautiful, but the stories were just amazing. I had always sort of seen Dick as sort of this goofy, but helpful guy at church. I had written up something to give to his family, which I will share in a minute, but the stories I heard about him during his service blew me away.

First of all, I had no idea he was a PhD. Secondly, he had adopted 2 girls as babies and raised them. One was later killed in an accident, as was his wife, I believe. He was a high school counselor and took in what looked to be about 10 other high school kids, making sure that each of them finished school. Several of them spoke. One said this, "There have been only three people I could count on and believe in in my life: God. My grandmother. And Dick." She went on to say that Dick had been the only father she had ever known in her life.

Another story that caught my attention was about him helping a single mother who I know in our church. When she moved from Hawaii, her daughter had trouble with the lack of diversity in the school where they lived. So he drove all the way from his house to theirs every morning (about 15-20 minutes) and then back to his school (at least half an hour) - EVERY MORNING - FOR A YEAR - until she graduated from high school. That really humbled me, given all my grumbling lately about driving my own children.

His dedication to children and to education really inspired me, and I was really, really glad, that I made it to his service.

And now, for what I wrote beforehand, about what he had contributed to my life.

The first time I remember seeing Dick, he was singing at a funeral. It was Wind beneath your Wings and he was rather off key. I was a teenager at a funeral for one of my grandparents friends with my family. My sister and I sat next to each other and giggled a little bit.

Growing up around a perfectionist musician father was in some ways excruciating for me. I never felt I was good enough, but I was also very hard on other people. Every single note stuck out to me, even when a professional sang.

But Dick did not seem to mind a bit. In fact, he sang out strongly and vibrantly. And in the years I later heard him sing, what I later came to appreciate was his total enjoyment of singing and his willingness to always step forward to do it.

In everything I had tried to do in my life, I had tried to do it perfectly. In fact, I didn't really think I sang good enough anymore so I had given it up almost completely in college. But my life seemed to not be working anymore and I went back to the church my grandparents had gone to for over 30 years.

At first it was hard. I could barely walk into the sanctuary without tearing up. I'm not sure why I had such an emotional response. But one thing that always made my journey back easier was Dick. I was often alone, or rather without a man, which is what I was brought up to consider being alone. And, I had two young children with me who were always rather restless. But every Sunday that we made it, Dick always made it a point to come over and say hello and bring some sort of joy to the morning. I don't think he had any idea how lonely or sad I felt in that church, but I was always very happy to see him.

I was very sad to hear of Dicks illness. It seemed too soon for such a vibrant man to go. But the Sparkling Cidar toast and Hawaiian shirt celebration of life service seemed like a perfect way to send off a man who always seemed so full of life and happiness.

I never had a chance to tell Dick what he had meant to me over the years. But I no longer want to try to do everything perfectly. In fact, I might even try to sing again, someday. But I really do feel happy to have known Dick and I smile whenever I think of him.

What I really learned from him was that it's time to give up the idea of perfection and time to embrace living - and living is about the people you touch with your life.

Talking Things Through

I had a really good talk with my husband last night.

He asked me again what we are going to do, and I told him I don't know.

He said it sounded like I was already done from the things I said.

We shifted back to talking to the kids. I told him that my father always came home at night. Even when he was dating.

He was married to a miserable woman for 17 years - and my husband knows that very well because we used to interact with her.

In any case, I told him, all those years, my dad still always came home and we always had dinner as a family. I think when I put it in those terms, he could understand it better.

In listening to him, it seems like he has justified not coming home in his mind because he thought that I had done something wrong.

I told him, even if I had, it doesn't matter. You don't just not come home. You have no idea what that does to someone - especially your kids.

Then I asked him, did your dad ever do that to you?

His face sort of faltered, like my words had really stung.

He hung his head, and said yes.

I told him I had carried both those children in my stomach for 9 months, and breast fed both of them for 2 years and taken care of every little aspect of their lives - and I wasn't going to let anyone hurt them like that.

He started to say that he was their father...

I interrupted and said, it's NOT the same. You didn't carry them. You don't feel the things I feel.

I told him, I know you had a raw deal with both of your parents, but you are 38-years-old now and things need to change.

Regardless of what happens between us, I want the kids to have a good father. And I want us to get back to being respectful and kind to each other. Because there will still always be a part of him that I love - he's the father of my children - and I see him in their little faces every day.

We talked for hours. I think it helped that we did it at our club. The kids have a play room upstairs so we were really able to talk without distractions. And, although there were a few times when we both got pretty frustrated, we also managed to hear each other and make it through the entire conversation.

Regrets

I wish when I got pregnant with my son and my husband questioned whether the baby was even his that I would have ran the other direction.

I didn't think I could make it through without him and I thought my son needed his father. But the truth is I was more alone with him and he didn't help me anyway.

He has just worn me down.

The painful thing now is I have wasted 7 years of my life.

If I didn't have my children to show for it I don't know what I'd do.

But I wouldn't be in this situation either.

I wish I could just shut the door and never see him again. But that's not possible. I can't bear to look at him right now. And I certainly don't want to see his family.

I don't know how to reconcile my children's need to see their father with my need to protect them from him - and protect myself.

I told him today that there had never been a day when he reminded me more of his dad.

I am so exhausted.

I don't know how I'm going to make it through this. I feel completely depleted and worn down. I wish I could sleep for a year but my kids need me. And they need me to be strong.

Too Fat

It ended up being a pretty quiet evening after all the drama. I was getting quite nervous for a bit, but I stopped responding to his texts and everything just stopped eventually.

I do need to find some better coping mechanisms because I have been gaining weight and I am very hard on myself about that. I was too skinny a year ago but now I'm not comfortable with where I am either. LOL, never good enough, right?!

I went back to You Can Heal Your Life this morning because I remember she wrote about this and it certainly fits.

I refuse to focus on excess weight or on diets. For diets do not work. The only diet that does work is a mental diet - dieting from negative thoughts. I say to clients, "Let us just put that issue to on side for the time being while we work on a few other things first."

They will often tell me they can't love themselves because they are so fat, or as one girl put it, "to round at the edges." I explain that they are fat because they don't love themselves. When we begin to love and approve of ourselves, its amazing how weight just disappears from our bodies.

As they talk, I make a list. What they say often coincides with their "should list". They feel they are too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, too dumb, too old, too young, too ugly. (The most beautiful or handsome will often say this.) Or they're too late, too early, too lazy, and on and on. Notice how it is almost always "too" something. Finally we get down to the bottom line, and they say, "I am not good enough."

Hurrah, hurrah! We have finally found the central issue. They criticize themselves because they have learned to believe they "are not good enough." Clients are always amazed at how fast we have gotten to this point. Now we do not have to bother with any of the side effects such as body problems, relationship problems, money problems, or lack of creative expressions. We can put all our energy into dissolving the cause of the whole thing: "NOT LOVING THE SELF!"

-You Can Heal Your Life, Louise Hay, pp 36-37

Some people are happy with themselves however they are, but I have never been one of those people. And I can even beat myself up about that pretty good.

I need to get a handle on this though because this is one trait I don't want to pass down to my daughter.



Sula's Note: So the craziest thing just happened.

I finished the post and I was sitting here crying quietly. (My kids are still sleeping). I decided to open You Can Heal Your Life again.

I opened the very first page and there was my very favorite picture of my daughter. It was a 5x7 reprint of her looking off in the distance.

One thing that has been very healing for me is having this girl that looks just like me, who I adore and think is so beautiful. I just haven't been able to transfer that to myself all the way, yet.

But then the funny thing was that further on in the book, there were original black and white prints of our wedding pictures too. And my daughter had scribbled ALL OVER THEM!!

There was also a picture of my grandfather, who I adored - and of my dear friend Z, both of whom have passed in the last few years. Both men were very stable and loving influences in my life.

I didn't put any of these pictures in the book - and I'm not sure where my daughter would have found this particular collection.

Male Supplements

I met with my son’s counselor several days ago for a short session. She said he seemed to be doing better, which is what I had thought too, but I didn’t know if that was my own prejudice. Things are more peaceful around the house without my husband stomping around – and arguing.

I realized the other day at taekwondo class that I am buying male-time for my son. I think it also helps him get some of his anger out. He gets a lot from his taekwondo teacher in terms of what it means to be a man and how to treat people.

I was thinking along those same lines yesterday when I went to visit his school for next year. It is so expensive and I don’t know how we will swing it, but I feel like the extra attention will be so worth it. I am looking for a lot of supplements for his father. He has a lot of women around him, between me, my mom and my sisters. But really there is just his dad, and my dad in terms of men that are here on a regular basis. I always worry that it won't be enough.

I remember reading something while we were down at Betty Ford for the marriage seminar weekend about how the end of the extended family is hurting our children. It used to be if there was one dysfunctional parent, it wasn’t that big of a deal because the extended family was so involved with raising the child. But now, parenting is largely an isolated event, and one dysfunctional parent can be extremely detrimental for a child. There are not enough other people around to round things out. Not enough other influences anymore in children’s lives. That makes a lot of sense to me. I know my grandparents on both sides were very involved in my life growing up. And I was better for it, especially with divorced parents. I am very lucky that my family is so involved with the kids.

The counselor reiterated that it was important for the kids to have their dad in their lives. She said if he disappeared all together that would be more traumatic than what we are experiencing now.