Goodbye Pat

My counselor passed away Saturday night. I had known it was coming for a while so I feel at peace with it. She was a tremendous force in my life. I began seeing her early on in my relationship with my husband. Once I realized I was pregnant with my son, I went into turbo-charge in my sessions. I really wanted to be the best possible parent I could be and I knew to do that I had things I needed to deal with first. I really credit her for the mom I am today.

The other really powerful lesson I learned from her was rearding my sisters. I took my youngest sister in with me about 5 years ago because we weren't relating the way I wanted to. Pat had a way of calling people on their shit and she did that with me then. She told me I was being unfair to compare this sister to the others and make assumptions and demands on her based on my relationships with the other two. She reminded me that she was a different person. She was so right.

The following is a poem she gave me about 8 years ago. It has always been special to me.

After A While

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises

and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child

and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much

so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

The Marriage Counselor

I went to a marriage counselor today with my husband and it was awful. He was very direct and I didn't like him very much.

Seemed like my husband was giving him a real song and dance about our life together and I was just getting more and more angry and interjecting at all the false spots.

He asked if I was willing to try and asked why I hadn't filed for divorce. I said because I feel totally stuck financially like I don't even have a choice. Our finances are completely fucked.

So my husband started saying that wasn’t all his fault and I disagreed because he was the one who stopped working for a year and that's when this all started.

So he said something about me not working and I barged right in and said NO! I have been working and you never acknowledge that taking care of kids is work too even if you don't get paid for it.

We went round and circles around him not coming home all night and to the birthday party. He gave explanations for both, but I said there is just no explanation that will ever be good enough for me. I just don't understand. And the counselor said, No, you just don't like it.

And I said, that too but I just can't understand or comprehend his behavior.

I told the Counselor that I didn't grow up with a father this way and I was not used to living this way or being around drugs.

My husband said, that's not true!! Your step dad is an alcoholic and your mom had drugs in the house!

And I said, No, my mom had some marajuana and that's not the same thing. And my dad always came home for dinner and never stayed out all night long. And even my step dad never acted like you have. And I have never been called a BITCH, or had cocaine in my home right where my daughter could access it.

My husband told us that his dad had told him not to come to the birthday party and that he had also been talking to a lot of other people about it. He said that everyone had told him that all my friends and family would be at the party and if he couldn’t contain himself he shouldn’t go. He said his dad had more than 20 years of sobriety and that he had been divorced and was on his fourth marriage so he knew a lot about these things. He was insinuating that it was some sort of a set-up for him to lose it in front of a bunch of people I reminded him that I had invited all his friends too. Of course, none of them came.

I said that his dad was the most dysfunctional person I have ever met so I don’t understand why he would ever got to him for any sort of advice.

The Counselor asked when the last time both of us had felt good about our marriage. My husband said it was when he got back from Betty Ford. I responded that it was when our daughter was a baby, right before he relapsed.

Then I broke down. I said if I had ever known he was ever going to relapse again - even if there was a slight chance - I never would have married him. It's just too hard for me. I can’t live like that.

Towards the end he asked if I was even willing to try and I said that I don't feel any hope. The only way I can do it is if we remain separated. I can't live with him now and put my kids (and me) through him not coming home again.

So my husband said he wanted more time with the kids then and I said I wasn't willing to let him drive anywhere with him. I told them I wasn't willing to take any sort of risk with my kid’s lives. I carried those kids in my stomach for 9 months and I have been the one taking care of them 24-7 and I am not going to let anyone take them away from me. Even if the risk is .000000008%, I won't do it. And if he demands that I will get a lawyer and fight it.

So my husband backed down. And said he would stick to the original agreement in good faith while we are separated.

The Counselor said that all the research shows that kids do best when parents raise their kids together - even when they are divorced. And I said I realize that and I have talked to our son’s counselor about it and read the Sandcastles book (about helping kids get through a divorce) but with my husband’s drug and alcohol addictions I still need to protect my kids. And he said he understood that and all advice was the ideal and that he knew we had special circumstances.

He asked if we were willing to date or spend time with each other during the separation. I told him we had done some of that but for the most part I needed my space. I explained that when my husband stayed too long at the house I tired of him and wanted him to leave. This seemed to really piss off my husband. I said the only way we can build back trust is for him to actually do the things he says he will over time with me and the kids and in meeting our financial obligations. If he didn’t do that, nothing would work.

So my husbands tone got nasty and he said, Fine! You can just stay separated and do whatever you want to do and wear your ring on the other finger or take it off altogether.

And then I started laughing and said yeah but your tone is totally pissed off and you don't sound like you mean that at all.

The Counselor did tell my husband at the end that he got bad advice about not going to the party.

I’m not sure if we will go back or not. My husband left very angry and I said I wasn’t sure that we could resolve anything. He told us to call him if we want to set up another appointment.

My husband just sent me a text saying, thanks for going and being honest. At least I know where we stand.

Male Supplements

I met with my son’s counselor several days ago for a short session. She said he seemed to be doing better, which is what I had thought too, but I didn’t know if that was my own prejudice. Things are more peaceful around the house without my husband stomping around – and arguing.

I realized the other day at taekwondo class that I am buying male-time for my son. I think it also helps him get some of his anger out. He gets a lot from his taekwondo teacher in terms of what it means to be a man and how to treat people.

I was thinking along those same lines yesterday when I went to visit his school for next year. It is so expensive and I don’t know how we will swing it, but I feel like the extra attention will be so worth it. I am looking for a lot of supplements for his father. He has a lot of women around him, between me, my mom and my sisters. But really there is just his dad, and my dad in terms of men that are here on a regular basis. I always worry that it won't be enough.

I remember reading something while we were down at Betty Ford for the marriage seminar weekend about how the end of the extended family is hurting our children. It used to be if there was one dysfunctional parent, it wasn’t that big of a deal because the extended family was so involved with raising the child. But now, parenting is largely an isolated event, and one dysfunctional parent can be extremely detrimental for a child. There are not enough other people around to round things out. Not enough other influences anymore in children’s lives. That makes a lot of sense to me. I know my grandparents on both sides were very involved in my life growing up. And I was better for it, especially with divorced parents. I am very lucky that my family is so involved with the kids.

The counselor reiterated that it was important for the kids to have their dad in their lives. She said if he disappeared all together that would be more traumatic than what we are experiencing now.