"Fair"

I have really been struggling these last weeks over the issue of fairness.

Fair is a relative term. Life, in general, is not fair. But in my mind, it should be.

I was devastated by the execution of Troy Davis. I can barely write these words without breaking down. I, like millions of others, had held my breath until the last second, only to get the bad news.

I can only hope that this, like so many other things that are happening in our world now, will create some sort of tipping point, where the rest of us finally fight back for what is right. I am really happy to see so many people demonstrating on Wall Street and throughout this country. I hope this movement will continue to grow.

"There is a huge number of Americans who simply don't realize that they've been victimized by Wall Street – that they've paid inflated commodity prices due to irresponsible speculation and manipulation, seen their home values depressed thanks to corruption in the mortgage markets, subsidized banker bonuses with their tax dollars and/or been forced to pay usurious interest rates for consumer credit, among other things." - Matt Taibbi

I know about unfairness all too well in the money department. For someone who tries to think the best of people, this has hit me especially hard. I've come to realize that when there's money involved, any good that was there (if there ever was any) quickly dissolves.

It's very hard to completely heal when things continually seem unfair. I am trying to accept that things will never be fair between us.

I need to accept that I will never get a full amends from my ex or his family no matter how many AA meetings they attend. The rules for the rich and entitled are different than those for the rest of us.

The only thing that is "fair" in terms of my divorce is that my ex is no longer married to me.

All I can do is move on the best I can, raise my kids well and be happy with my new life. The saving grace is, I do have a new life.

Divorced

I just got the notice that my divorce was signed by the judge and finalized yesterday. It has been a long process and I am looking forward to the future.

At Peace

I went in to sign the final divorce papers this morning. It was a very easy and simple process. It was a beautiful day here, so I enjoyed the drive downtown and back home.

My husband has tried to stir up things a few times today, but I feel at peace with everything.

When I divorced my first husband, I thought going into sign would be an easy thing, and I would leave work for an hour and drive back and finish my day. But I found myself unable to stop crying. I did not go back to work for many days, and cried for perhaps 2 weeks.

I was only 23 then, so part of it was age I think. But I also feel like I have grown up quite a bit and made peace with my life. I am in a much better place now.

My ex made a comment earlier that I only think the worst of him and I told him, honestly, I really have no negative emotion towards you.

I will defend myself, and that is different from years of taking it and taking it -from him and everyone. But after I say my peace, I am fine, and ready to move on. There are things that I wish were different - particularly in the financial realm. But I know in time, everything will be better.

I really do attribute much of my peace and well-being to the Kundalini Yoga I have been doing. I know I have not even learned 1/100th of what I can from it, but I am already feeling a huge cleansing, healing and strengthening in my life.

It was the final thing that I think was missing for me.

It sounds like the divorce will be final tomorrow.

Fit Parenting

My husband will pick up the kids this afternoon and take them for the weekend. It should go better because I will not be there for the transition.

I woke early this morning and have been stewing in bed. I don't want to give up my children. I spent 7 years trying to protect them from their dad. Now I'm supposed to just hand them over?

I think "no fault" divorce laws are bunk. There is certainly fault here, and it does not lie with me.

I received my draft of the divorce documents yesterday and I do not want to sign them. I want the divorce, but I don't agree to all of the terms. The mediator put in several things that we never talked about.

The document starts out to say that we both agree that we are both fit parents. Fit parents? When did I ever say my husband was a "fit" parent?

Does leaving me here with the kids waiting for him to come home all night long make a "fit" parent?

Is it having to explain to them over and over again where their daddy is and why he doesn't come home or pick them up when he says he will?

Does bringing cocaine into our house and leaving it out where the kids could have killed themselves make a "fit" parent?

Does driving drunk with all of us in the car make him a "fit" parent?

Does relapsing again and again make him a "fit" parent?

Does wasting every last cent we had make him a "fit" parent?

Does exposing the children to his abusive father make him a "fit" parent?

I could go on and on....

What is considered fit parenting by Oregon Law? I would sure like to know, because it certainly does not meet my standards.

Finalizing my Divorce

We had our last mediation meeting several weeks ago and it went really well. We whizzed through everything rationally and without argument.

We should be finished with the divorce very soon. It seems both fast and slow. We are nearly a year into the process, and there have been a lot of ups and downs. But we are ending on a good note and I have much hope for our future.

I really feel like we can be friends and do a good job together as co-parents. I don't see so much of the futility of our relationship anymore. I am starting to see that there were things in my life that I needed to learn during this relationship that will benefit me.

My husband has been very supportive of me during this last week of hospitalization for my grandma. He sent me a very thoughtful card and brought flowers another day. I'm glad that we seem to be through most of the negative emotions now.

The Beach

I am heading to the beach this morning with my kids. My wonderful friends are letting us use their beach house, and I have been looking forward to our time there.

I have been thinking and reading a lot these past few weeks. I opted to completely get rid of the TV, and none of us have missed it. The kids seem to be playing more together and asking for less. I'm very glad I did it. We still have a DVD player, so we watch some movies. That's more than enough.

I have been getting along very well with my husband. I feel like I have been able to look at him with much more compassion lately. I think part of that is just the healing nature of time, which brings perspective. But also, several weeks ago, I broke down to him on the phone. And he told me he was sorry. And for the first time, I really felt it.

I am taking less and less personally and just trying to enjoy him for who he is. More than anything, I appreciate that he is kind, accepting and funny.

We have had our share of problems, but I hope we can put them behind us and be friends. I think sometimes when you are divorcing someone, you tend to demonize them. That helps with your pain. But ultimately, you have to move past that, or it will destroy both of you.

My husband will be joining us at the beach a little later. I'm hoping that this can be a week of healing and fun for all of us. I don't want my children to grow up with parents who are estranged. I want them to feel that we loved each other and tried our very best. I want us to work together to do whatever it takes to grow strong and healthy children. That doesn't mean that we will always get along or agree, but we can do our best. We owe the kids, and ourselves, that.

Joint Mediation

We had our first joint mediation session today. It was emotionally draining for me.

I realize I will have to compromise on many things but there is just a lot that is still very hard for me to swallow.

My husband has not been taking the kids during the times that he said he wanted. Today, he asked for more time, including overnights.

He agreed to weekly drug and alcohol testing and so we are going to take a trial run.

I feel like I am truly putting my children in God's hands now, and that's a very hard thing for me to do.

We left the session angry. We both were upset throughout the session, although I think the mediator did a good job of keeping us both grounded. At one point, my husband nearly walked out, but she got him to sit back down and finish the session.

I know this will be tough to get through. All the particulars are emotional - money, who gets what holidays with the children, the safety of the kids with their dad....

My husband called to apologize afterwards, but then asked if he could switch his day with the kids to tomorrow. He said after this week, he will always keep his commitments.

There is no point in arguing anymore. It just is what it is.

After going through this I would say that in almost every case, a divorce is not the way to go. Certainly no one wins.

But in my case, I wish I had done it sooner. With addiction, no one wins whether you are divorced or married. And I feel like the longer I stayed, the more screwed I got.

Staying hurt.

And while this hurts too, at least it will put an end to most of the hurting.

At least that is my hope.

Name Change

I have decided to change the name of my blog. I am nearing the finalization of my divorce and have felt for some time that the blog name did not reflect where I was going with my life. I want to focus more on my own recovery and keeping my kids well.

Mediation

I did my first mediation session yesterday and I was very pleased with it. The woman was an older woman and seemed to be very kind and knowing. Lately, I have been trying to put aside my anger and try to heal. I don't think fighting more about the divorce and all that entails is going to bring either of us any closer to where we want to be.

In two weeks we will meet again together with the mediator. (My husband also met privately with her). I think it will take a few sessions but I am confident that we can find a solution.

Pathetic

Tonight I am reeling after a day full if reeling.

My husband filed for divorce in June 2009. I was served papers on in late January. We went to court in early February.

I received paperwork from his very expensive attorney (I can not afford representation) late last week. There was a small font portion of the documents that said if I did not respond within 30 days of being served, the case would automatically be won by him.

This was after picking up my daughter for him, as he was unable to do it.

I asked my husband about this and he said I had nothing to worry about. He said he called his attorney and she affirmed that I had already appeared in the case and did not need to do anything further.

Being that my husband has proven to be a habitual liar, I decided to go to the courthouse myself with my own document to respond.

I waited and waited in a second line after security check line. It was hot and I ended up taking my coat off. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. My heart was beating faster and faster and the line seemed to never move.

After about 45-minutes of waiting, I finally got to a clerk and asked if my document would work. Her face fell. She told me no. She looked up my information and saw when I was served and when I was expected to respond and her jaw kept dropping.

She said that I did in fact need to appear or the case would be decided for as my husbands attorney had written it, which includes joint custody of our children. It also includes his delusional attempt of portraying his income, which will determine child support and spousal support. I started crying as I told her my husband is an addict and I could not let that happen.

She gave me the proper forms to file and a waiver form for the $300+ filing fee. I spent the afternoon filling it out and will spend the night collecting all the necessary documents after the children go to sleep to file my response properly tomorrow.

Thank God for intuition. I still have to say it hurts. After all I have suffered with my husband I was still gullible enough to believe him. I was still gullible enough to believe he wanted the best for me and the kids. I was still gullible enough to believe he wanted to work this out amicably.

I should not be surprised that this was the woman that my father-in-law hired however. And it will be a long time before I believe another word that comes out of my husband's mouth.

Visit at the Donut Shop

I stopped into see some of my Lebanese friends with my daughter this morning at their donut shop. I didn't know who would be there exactly but I lucked out and saw 3 of my favorites. They gave us a huge box of donuts and we started talking and laughing. My favorite, Haj, who the patriarch of the family came in and immediately smiled. He told me that the last time I ran into him at Costco, he did not even recognize me. I had lost so much weight and was extremely thin (size 00 to be exact). He said he walked out the door and asked his daughter, who was that?

When she told him it was me he could not believe it.

He said, now you are back. I'm so happy.

He asked about my marriage and I told him I was divorcing. He said he had heard that and was sorry. He said my daughter was beautiful and he wished her good luck. He said in Lebanon when they see a beautiful young girl, they always wish her luck to marry a kind man.

He said not everyone is lucky like me in business and love. He began to speak of his wife who passed many years ago after a very bad stroke. He shared about sending her to Lebanon once for vacation while they were living in Africa. Israel invaded the south of Lebanon a few days after she arrived. Members of the Israeli Army came into their home and demanded all the gold and valuables. They took all her paperwork. It took 3 years before she was able to return to him.

I met him and his wife over 15 years ago. She was extremely disabled from stroke when I met her. She had to be fed, could not walk and could barely speak. The grace that her family took care of her with in that 10-year period before she died has always stayed with me. Her daughter-in-law would quietly wipe away her drooling when no one was looking. She had to be helped with every little thing in her day-to-day life. But I always remember that they treated her with dignity, respect and love. I never heard anyone in that family complain about their duties, even though I knew they were very hard duties to carry out day-to-day for all those years.

Even today after her death - nearly 6 years ago - he was still obviously deeply in love with his wife.

He then spoke of his daughters. He has 5.

He said all but one were lucky with their husbands because they asked his blessing first. The daughter that did not get his blessing married a very bad man who did not work and lived off of her. He told her that he did not believe she should marry him, but she decided she wanted to anyway. He told me about a recent fight they had where the husband called him and threatened to divorce his daughter. He told him please do. And began to laugh.

I told him next time, I will bring the man to him first for approval. We laughed again.

Haj got up to leave and gave me a giant hug. He told me, you are a very nice girl. You deserve a lot better. I love you.

What is Reality?

The ultrasound has come and gone. It was odd going there and checking in. I am still on my husband's insurance but I don't feel like he is my husband anymore. The receptionist was asking questions about my husband's place of employment and date of birth. She asked for an emergency contact person and I gave her my mother's name.

This morning my mother noticed alarmingly that our downstairs toilet is leaking and needs to be repaired immediately or the wood would be damaged. I told my husband, but he has not reponded. I guess I should get used to the fact that we are on our own now. But it is a hard thing to sink in.

I suppose we have been on our own for a long time, but I could usually count on help with at least some of the big things.

It sounds like I will not hear anything back from the doctor until Monday. I am a little nervous but I decided on my way back from the clinic that I am just going to assume everything is OK until I hear otherwise. It won't help me to worry.

Last night, my husband read the blog again and sent me a 7-point response, defending himself. It is clear that we both have completely different versions of reality. My husband does not even pretend to be his nice-guy persona anymore around other people, so that at least is a little more comforting. Sometimes I think it was hard for people to envision the things that he said to me. No longer.

A friend told me the other day that when he called me a cunt, that's when it would have been over for her. It's funny how you try to remove these things from your mind, but when you finally tell people what has happened and they remind you of them, you are not able to create your own (better) reality anymore. Hearing her say it made me realize how awful things have been.

Ultrasound

I'm headed into the clinic to get the ultrasound. I didn't sleep great, but I did get a few solid hours in there, so I am happy for that. I don't do well without sleep - never have.

I was glad to have my mom here last night in case anything happened. My mom is worried that I will have to have surgery and we talked about the plans last night at length just in case.

I am really hoping that this is just stress.

I can't really see how I will manage a hospital stay with my kids and job.

Either way, I have said this many times - all of this is TOO MUCH for one person. It would be one thing if it were just me and the kids and my husband had not ruined our finances. I think I could manage. I did when my son was a baby. Two young children at different schools is more challenging, but it can be done.

Dealing with alcoholic behavior is too much for me to deal with on top of everything else. The stress for me is overwhelming. He is verbally abusive and I can not depend on him, financially or otherwise.

All this time I have been thinking that I could convince my husband and his family somehow that I do have worth. But I will never have worth to them. If their own blood does not have value, how can I expect to?

I am fortunate to have my family and wonderful friends - and I know that my worth comes from me. But somehow knowing that made it more maddening when I did not feel the respect and love from them.

It was really good for me to see my friend the other day. She has not seen me since we were both pregnant with our sons. She had spent a lot of time with me before that, but with young children and living in different parts of town, we lost touch. I was almost embarrassed to tell her about my life now. She knew me when...

For her it was simple. "He is an idiot. He does not deserve you. Do you have any idea what an amazing woman you are? Divorce him! He is never going to get it."

Remembering Lebanon

I just got off the phone with my ex-husband's wife. We talked for more than an hour. My daughter fell asleep on the way to school this morning, so I turned around and went home after we dropped my son off. Turns out that was a good choice. She obviously does not feel well. We are spending a quiet day together.

My ex-husband and his wife just came back from a long trip to Lebanon, where they are both originally from. Her parents had come to my office yesterday and told me they were back, so I decided to check on them.

It sounds like they had a wonderful trip. I wish I had been able to go with them. Yesterday, her parents offered to take me, and today she offered me to come with her this summer.

How I miss Lebanon.

Americans seem to wonder why the Lebanese and the Palestinians fight so hard for their land. If they had been there, they would know.

It is beautiful in Lebanon. And the people are the best of the best. There is no place more hospitable, filled with love and laughter. I have never seen children so happy and well-behaved. They are free to run around the village without care, because everyone watches out for everyone else. The high school kids are smarter than most college graduates I know. Most people speak Arabic, French and English, and the children study psychology, literature, mathematics in all three languages, which is different than just taking a French or English class.

The people of Lebanon are very present. Perhaps because they have lost so much. When I went in '95-'96, Israel was still bombing nearby. My ex-husband is from a small village in the South of Lebanon. I remember being scared many times, but after a while, you get used to it. There is no place I have enjoyed traveling to more than Lebanon. It touched my soul.

I have noted to myself many times lately that since I met my current husband, I have essentially stopped traveling - at least abroad. I really want to change that. There is always so much drama involved in alcoholic families. I feel like I have missed many things. My ex-husband's 40th birthday party. A retirement party for my greatest mentor. Party after party that I was too emotionally exhausted to attend. Looking back, I wish I would have done all of it anyway. What was accomplished by me staying home, besides another defeat?

I enjoyed hearing all the stories of the people I love back in Lebanon. My sister-in-law just lost her husband. I remember them well from when I was there. He had a brain tumor then. It is amazing, really, that he made it this long. They have 7 or 8 children. Most people in Lebanon have big families. Family is everything.

We talked about the traditions of death in Lebanon. I remember going to a funeral while I was there. A young boy was killed by Israel during my stay. Nearly everyone from all surrounding villages stopped what they were doing and drove to his village for the funeral. There must have been thousands of people there. I will never forget the sound of the women wailing, screaming really, at the top of their lungs, with all of their hearts and souls.

I think I understand those screams even more now that I have my own children. The grief is unimaginable.

But I think that wailing is good for the soul. In America, death is often skipped over. In Lebanon, the family is in mourning for 40 days. The widow is never left alone. There are usually about 10 people with her at all time, to care for her needs and give her company. Every day, the entire family visits the graveside for 40 days.

I think that is beautiful. His wife told me, "one of the things I like most about our culture is that we make everyone feel so special." I think she really nailed it on the head.

Yesterday, her parents visited me at my office and brought donuts and special Lebanese pastries. My entire office was thrilled.

My daughter's namesake lives in the South of Lebanon. She is one of my ex-husband's many aunts. I remember being instantly taken with her. She is everything I would want my daughter to be - smart, always laughing, and has a very strong sense of self. Her spirit was beautiful and amazing.

I decided when I met her that I would name my daughter after her - even though I was no where close to having a daughter then. I married my first husband very young. I was still in college and wanted to finish my Masters degree first. The Masters degree was one of several things that killed our marriage - but primarily, it was my youth.

My ex-husband handled our divorce with so much grace. One of the best gifts that he ever gave to me, when I was feeling guilty about many things, was to tell me, "Despite everything, you are still the best person I have ever known." I will never forget those words, and he will never know how much they meant to me coming from him. When I am feeling low, I still can hear him telling me that, and it still helps tremendously.

I sent pictures of my daughter to show the family and especially her namesake. She was very pleased with them and sent my daughter back a dress. On Saturday we will go visit them and get it. It sounds like they brought back many gifts, which is traditional. I am looking forward to seeing their entire family. I miss all of them. They will always be my family.

The wife asked about my marriage and I told her. She said, I will never get over the time we came to your house in the middle of the night after your son was born. Right then I knew it was bad, and I wondered what was wrong with him.

I remember that night well. My son and I had just came home from the hospital. He started crying, sometimes screaming, non stop for hours. I was exhausted and did not know what to do. My husband was no where to be found. He would not return calls. Finally I called my ex-husband and his wife, who just lived down the street at the time. By then it was close to mid-night, but they came over immediately anyway. They stayed with me for hours until my son was settled and back to sleep. I will always be grateful to both of them for that. It was one of the worst and loneliest nights of my life.

What's the Point?

So, I finally said something to my husband about the other woman. We were discussing money and how there doesn't seem to be enough for us. I told him perhaps he should spend the money we do have on this family instead of lushes in bars.

Of course, he denied it.

He now says that my co-worker only told me this because he wants to "screw" me and that he's lying.

Um, what about the rumors about his indiscretions while I was pregnant with our son? What about the 3 confirmed women that I already know about.

And he wonders why I have no respect for him anymore.

Just tell the truth for once!

I told him I want a divorce.

He told me I was making a really bad decision based on bad information.

I told him I have 7+ years of information.

And now he keeps bugging me to "talk" about it. What's the point? What is there to talk about? Why would I continue to waste my time so he can give me the runaround and a bunch of bullshit answers.

I know what I know.

Thanksgiving 2009

My mother took the kids tonight so I could get ready for tomorrow. But for the most part I have been in a funk, getting very little done except for the last hour. I am moping.

I wish I could make a big dinner with the enthusiasm that I used to. I used to go all out, and I loved it. I love cooking for people I love.

But I feel all the life drained out of me this year. I don't want my husband here. I don't want to cook for him. I don't want to watch him eat plate after plate and dominate the conversation and expect me to cater to his emotional needs.

I thought I could continue the blog with him still reading it, but more and more I find I am censoring myself to save his feelings. I resent that too. This was supposed to be my outlet. And now, I'm not sure what it is. Me trying to stay positive in a very bad situation mostly. And I'm still not feeling positive.

I can't remember a time when I ever felt this low in my life. I am utterly unhappy. I have my moments, where all seems well - like today, when I was able to spend the entire day with my son - pure bliss.

But mostly, I feel sad and alone. And angry. I feel trapped. I feel stuck. I feel broke.

In my being, I know that I need to get out of this marriage. I had a long talk with my grandmother about it earlier tonight. But the bottom line is, I don't know how we will manage financially. Even if we were to walk away from our home and our debt, it would still be a struggle.

There's a woman in my office who is like a second mother to me. She came in and practically begged me the other day to get out. She told me about how she stayed with her husband until her kids were in their 20's and it only got worse with time. She emailed me her attorneys name and called him to let him know I'd be calling and asked if he'd meet with me for free. She said I deserve to be happy and safe.

I don't know how to balance my needs with those of my children. I worry about them so much. I don't think this family is healthy for them either, but then I think, if we can't live, what's the point?

My friend B. said I'd be happy when I started to make decisions that are good for me.

I worry that if I don't get out soon, this marriage will destroy me.

The Meeting

I had a very trying morning, complete with a migraine, meds that made me tired, an emotional 3-year old, that proceeded to fall down face-first on her way into school, and a 2-hour work meeting that seemed to drag on forever. By the time I got in my car to head over to the other side of town for the meeting with the AA leader, I was in tears. I put on some Amy Winehouse, but that didn't help, so I turned to my favorite old gospel CD. I sang and cried my eyes out all the way there.

I remembered half-way through about the third song that I have been through a lot, and God has always gotten me through one way or another. I remembered in particular one morning, shortly after finding out I was pregnant with my son. I was alone, in my favorite breakfast spot, and near tears the entire breakfast. At one point, I think I started to cry. I was unsure what this pregnancy would bring for me. It was obvious at that point that J. was an alcoholic, and my future seemed very grim. I remember one very kind man came over to me and asked if I was OK. We talked for a bit, and he invited me to come to his church. At that time, I was not feeling very religious, and especially not inclined to go to a Christian Church. But I was very grateful for his kindness, and even considered going, even though I sort of mocked Christianity in my head.

In any case, as it turns out, my son has been one of my greatest joys and blessings.

So I was glad to remember that moment, and I felt as though even though things are pretty bad right now, that someday I might look at this as a blessing too.

The AA Leader noticed that today was not a good day for me, and commented on it as we were leaving. I look so sad today. I really feel it.

Never-the-less, I do think our meeting was productive and I'm glad I went.

He shared some of both of our lists and said he felt hopeful that we could salvage our marriage. He told my husband that he has been very selfish and most of the reason we are at this point is because of him.

We talked a lot about my father-in-law and he offered to speak to him and be as harsh with him as he was with us if we would like him to. My husband did not say anything in response to that, but I think I would like him to.

We talked for over an hour and I feel like a lot was said that needs to be digested on both sides. One thing he asked me to think about is that I have a wall up. He said he did not think I could be happy or move on with my life until I got rid of that, and he encouraged me to look at that more closely. I will definitely spend some time with that (in my spare time, lol!).

He said my husband also had a wall up in that he always feels the need to defend himself, which makes me feel like he's not taking responsibility or going to change. He said he's waiting for me to pull my wall down, but he needs to take his down too.

He talked about being at our wedding, which has great sentimental value for me. He said we had made a commitment to each other and owed it to ourselves and our children to try to make things work. He called it "tough-shit". He said, "You can't stand your in-laws, you're married to an alcoholic, you're broke...tough shit!" Same sort of thing to my husband. He said we could spend a lot of time talking about the past and how you got here, but basically we'd be re-hashing everything and not getting anywhere.

He said getting divorced and marrying other people is not going to solve our problems.

That was one thing that really stuck with me from last summer. He said, "You might think that is the easier route, but it's not."

Overall, I am really glad we went. I really like the AA-Leader and I appreciate him taking time for us again.

Lists

Here are the lists I compiled for the AA leader.

How I'd like our marriage to look:

-J sober
-No interference from father-in-law. I don't want to have any sort of relationship with him and I don't particuarly want him around my children. I especially don't want him butting into my life, or telling me how to raise children, esp since he did not do a good job himself in my opinion. I have told J I would be more open to this if he gets counseling or even talks to you, but this has never happened to my knowledge. I resent constantly being asked for my father-in-law to see the kids when in my mind I would never subject my children to any sort of abuse. It's much easier to prevent abuse than erase the scars later. Our son has been in counseling for 2 years already, and I am the one who takes him there every week. I resent the damage the H-Family have caused and that it seems that I am the one who is always cleaning up after their mess. I would like my son to deal with the issues, and have him move on. I don't want my son to suffer the rest of his life. I want my children to be around positive, caring adults. I do not want to be asked even ONE MORE TIME about my father-in-law seeing the kids until he takes care of his end of the street.
-Me at home with the kids (mostly) - I would like my first priority to always be the children, then home, then work. I think meals together and family time is very important. I don't mind working so much, but I resent the extra pressure while the kids are so young...this time has already gone by quickly and I feel like I have missed out on a lot. I don't think that there is a more important job than raising our children well. I don't want another generation of alcoholics. I will do everything in my power to prevent that. You may disagree with me on this, but I think a lot of J's issues with drugs and alcoholism stem more from his environment than genetics. My most important role has been in helping get the kids through these difficult times - and my family has helped a great deal with that. I am not happy about our current financial state, but there is no amount of money that would make it worth it to me to mess up my children. (And that includes my father-in-law, because I get the feeling he thinks my children are for sale, and they are not.) I don't think my added stress from J's relapse and having to work (as opposed to wanting to work or contributing to the income) is helpful to our children. I try to take care of myself and be the best mother I can, but I am also human, and sometimes I feel like this is just too much for me.
-J home on time - call immediately if running late
-No all-nighters - ever, ever, ever...that would be a deal breaker.
-J at all birthday parties and other important family events
-Financially secure
-Regular date nights
-Family dinner together at the table 99% of the time (I cook most meals)
-Dedication to honesty in all things
-Regular vacations - both with the kids and alone
-Having fun - laughing
-Communication about financial issues - esp when things are not going to happen at a certain time
-No physical or verbal abuse


Things I love about J:

Sense of humor
Willingness to stick things out
Father of my children
Warmth and friendliness
Romantic side of him
His sense of style
Paying for our son to attend private school when his dad backed out of his commitment
His love for our children
Our history when he has been sober
He allows me to be myself
His optimism
His hugs
That he is able to be comforting when he wants to (ie, my dad is wonderful but not so much a comforter - more the quiet, stable type)
Checking in with me throughout the day
That he appreciates and enjoys my cooking

My Rings

I had left my rings for sale with our trusted jeweler L. I have always adored L. He has a very sweet and genuine spirit. He is a small Jewish man, who seems to work hard but also really care about people.

I remember once my husband was hell-bent on buying me a Rolex watch for Christmas, which L sells at his store. But I don't like Rolex watches for women. I wanted another brand, which he does not carry. My husband couldn't understand why I wouldn't want a Rolex, which I suppose was the best in his mind. He was shopping all over town, and most places were hard selling what they had on hand. L just told him, flat out, you should buy her the watch she wants. He did, and that is the watch I still wear every day.

L is not in the resale business, but he told me he would sell my rings for me and make sure I got a good price for me, because they are very nice rings, and it would be difficult to get a decent price right now. He didn't ask much about my reasons. He just asked about how old the kids were now. Then he sort of stammered, and said, Ah, jeez, I'm sorry.

I hadn't heard much from him, but I trusted him to do the right thing. He had given me a quote to repair the rings, and I have him to go-ahead for that work even though it was costly. I knew the rings should be in tip-top shape to sell them.

It turns out, L, did all the repair work, put the rings in his safe, and started praying.

He prayed for my marriage to work out.

When we went to pick up them up, the rings look better than brand new. He told us to take them at no charge.

The Sneaky Bastard

It became apparent late yesterday that my father-in-law had stopped paying my husband through one of his companies after we filed for divorce in June. I believe this is an obvious attempt to lessen any child support and alimony I am due.

He says that the life insurance policy that this money was paying towards was suddenly paid at that time (according to my husband). But when I said I needed a paystub for our loan, he said he could suddenly start paying him again.

Sounds fishy to me.

If I had to guess, I would say he just started paying the brother all the money to pay the policy now. Either way, if we go that route, a forensic accountant can figure out all of that.

It just always amazes me how low he is willing to stoup.

I always feel like I am dealing with someone on Dallas or Dynasty and not a father-in-law, let alone someone who has been in AA for 25 years and is supposed to be a mentor to other men.

It brings to mind when my husband's mother died and my father-in-law wanted to stop paying her alimony. She lived out of state, so my husband had to get her death certificate so he could stop paying it. My husband relapsed at that time and was pisssed at this father. So he got the death certificate, but didn't tell his dad and let him continue paying the alimony - for a year.

I was the one who finally told his dad that he had the death certificate. He was confused - why would he do that??

Because he is angry with you, I told him, exhasperated. He truly seemed to have no clue.

I still don't think he does.

You reap what you sow.

Malcolm X said it better than anyone when he talked about chickens coming home to roost, even though I know this was an unpopular quote at the time. (The clip below is worth watching - I had never heard him explain himself.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SzuOOshpddM

I really like this quote, which is the end of the clip.

"If you stick a knife in my back nine inches and pull it out six inches, that's not progress. If you pull it all the way out, that's not progress. The progress comes from healing the wound that the blow made. They haven't even begun to pull the knife out. They won't even admit the knife is there.
- Malcolm X