Domestic Violence Problems, an extra therapy session targeting alcohol abuse may help to speed overall improvement in violent behavior

(Reuters Health) - For heavy drinkers in treatment for domestic violence problems, an extra therapy session targeting alcohol abuse may help to speed overall improvement in violent behavior, according to a new study.

Alcohol can lower inhibitions and impair judgment, according to lead author Gregory Stuart of the University of Tennessee in Knoxville. "One theory is that alcohol can narrow focus to negative aspects of the environment, and is linked to impulsivity," he told Reuters Health.

Men who are arrested for domestic violence are usually referred by the court to group educational sessions called batterer programs, which don't always address alcohol - even though drinking is involved in a high percentage of domestic disputes, experts said.

Because previous research has found these programs especially ineffective for batterers who also have drinking problems, Stuart's team set out to test whether adding a therapy session devoted to alcohol would affect both drinking and violent behaviors over the course of a year.

For the trial, the researchers recruited 252 men who had been arrested in Rhode Island for violence against an intimate partner and who reported binge drinking (having five or more drinks per occasion) at least once a month.

All attended the court-mandated standard battery program, consisting of 40 hours of group educational programs split into 20 sessions, and half of the men attended an additional 90-minute one-on-one substance abuse session with a therapist.

The men were then asked to complete a survey about their behavior at 3, 6 and 12 months following the treatment program. The researchers also gathered any police reports relevant to the study participants, and analyzed only data for men who had intimate partners at the beginning of the study period.

On average, all of the men participating in the study reported lowered overall violence levels after one year, Stuart's team reports in the journal Addiction.

But participants who received the extra alcohol counseling session had greater short-term improvement in both violence and alcohol consumption compared to men in the standard batterer program.

When the researchers looked at specific aspects of partner violence, for example, men who received the alcohol intervention were less physically aggressive toward their partners at the three-month mark, and less psychologically aggressive at the six-month mark.

The alcohol-intervention group also drank less per day at the three-month mark and drank less often at the six-month mark.

But at every checkpoint in the study, there was little difference in overall frequency of partner violence in both groups, and after a year, the levels of physical and psychological aggression among men in the comparison group caught up to those of the men in the alcohol therapy group.

"I would have preferred to see these results maintained over time, but for the first six months the rate of improvement was greater for the folks who got the alcohol intervention," Stuart said.

The improvements associated with the extra alcohol-focused session didn't fade over time, Stuart pointed out, but the extra therapy seemed to give those men a "jump start" over the other group during the early months.

"These 90-minute motivational enhancements have been shown to be effective with a variety of different (people)," but usually for those who seek out treatment of their own accord, according to Kenneth Leonard, director of the Research Institute on Addictions at the University at Buffalo in New York who was not involved in the study.

For that reason, seeing any positive result, even a small one, in a group of men in a court-ordered program who had not sought treatment on their own was promising, Leonard said.

In Rhode Island, the 40-hour standard batterer program includes a short section on alcohol, but the duration and content of such programs can vary widely by state, according to Stuart.

Other studies have questioned the effectiveness of existing batterer programs, which Stuart says were "created with the best of intentions" but sometimes include methods that aren't supported by evidence and have a lot of room for improvement.

"All of the participants on average had substantially less substance use and violence relative to where they started, however, there was still too much violence and substance use," Stuart said.

He and his colleagues suggest that the jump-start might have lasted longer if there had been multiple follow up "booster" sessions with a therapist over the course of the year.

"When you start getting into these more severe samples, my sense is that something more than 90 minutes would be required, or additional sessions," Leonard agreed.

Although the gains were small and temporary, Stuart thinks the results of this study are a promising start toward improving batterer programs.

"The goal is to gently lead them to the conclusion that potentially stopping the use of alcohol and drugs is a good idea," he said.

http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/02/26/us-alcohol-counseling-idUSBRE91P0RX20130226

Addiction is the number one public health threat in the United States today.

Over 23 million Americans are addicted to alcohol and other drugs. Substance abuse involves the repeated and excessive use of a drug or alcohol to produce pleasure or escape reality despite its destructive effects. Although legal substances such as alcohol and nicotine can be and are abused, when we talk about drug abuse, we tend to think of illegal substances such as marijuana, cocaine, heroin or misuse of legal substances such as prescription drugs or fumes from household products.

What starts as so-called recreational use of substances, can spill over into craving and addiction, with dismal consequences for the user’s wellbeing, his entire family and the community as well.

The line is crossed when the drugs become a necessity, when it controls the user. The individual is convinced that the drug is necessary to have a feeling of wellbeing or even just to get through the day. Craving for the drug of choice eliminates most other thoughts, and tracking down and use of the drug takes over. Nothing is more important than getting high, not work, kids, spouse, or family. Getting high, becomes so important that the individual is willing to sacrifice everything even as the problem is denied.

For many people whose drug of choice is alcohol, the path to addiction is slower and more insidious. Because alcohol is a legal drug and many people use it successfully, those who have problems with it often go unnoticed for longer periods of time. Frequently, the person who has a problem with alcohol will be able to continue drinking because they continue to go to work, & will argue that their ability to work proves that they don’t have a problem.

Substance abusers are often the last ones to recognize their own symptoms of abuse, dependence and addiction. Even when they know they have a problem, drug abusers often try to downplay their drug use and conceal their symptoms. But if you suspect that a friend or loved one is abusing drugs, there are a number of warning signs you can look for.

Some behavioral symptoms include: Angry outbursts, mood swings, irritability, manic behavior, attitude change. Talking incoherently or making inappropriate remarks. Risky, secretive, or suspicious behavior. Deterioration of physical appearance and grooming. Absence from work or school or drop-off in quality of work or grades. Neglect of family responsibilities, money problems, or legal problems.

Physiological signs include: Frequent exhaustion or weakness, unexplained injuries and infections, blackouts, flashbacks, delusions, paranoia, withdrawal symptoms such as nausea, tremors, and sweating.


Pamela Egan, FNP-C, CDE is a board certified Adult & Family Nurse Practitioner, Certified Diabetes Educator & Clinical Specialist in Mental Health.

Joint Mediation

We had our first joint mediation session today. It was emotionally draining for me.

I realize I will have to compromise on many things but there is just a lot that is still very hard for me to swallow.

My husband has not been taking the kids during the times that he said he wanted. Today, he asked for more time, including overnights.

He agreed to weekly drug and alcohol testing and so we are going to take a trial run.

I feel like I am truly putting my children in God's hands now, and that's a very hard thing for me to do.

We left the session angry. We both were upset throughout the session, although I think the mediator did a good job of keeping us both grounded. At one point, my husband nearly walked out, but she got him to sit back down and finish the session.

I know this will be tough to get through. All the particulars are emotional - money, who gets what holidays with the children, the safety of the kids with their dad....

My husband called to apologize afterwards, but then asked if he could switch his day with the kids to tomorrow. He said after this week, he will always keep his commitments.

There is no point in arguing anymore. It just is what it is.

After going through this I would say that in almost every case, a divorce is not the way to go. Certainly no one wins.

But in my case, I wish I had done it sooner. With addiction, no one wins whether you are divorced or married. And I feel like the longer I stayed, the more screwed I got.

Staying hurt.

And while this hurts too, at least it will put an end to most of the hurting.

At least that is my hope.

Pets in Alcoholic Homes

I started thinking about our dog Gus the other day. I have always believed that animals reflect their owners.

Our dog, who is a Yorkie-Chihuahuas mix, is very nervous. My husband always says there is something wrong with him. Often times, I have thought that myself.

I began to wonder yesterday how being around alcoholism has affected him. He was born into this just like our children. It seems natural that this would affect his personality, and sad that we would blame him for it.

I bought the dog as a gift for my husband when I was pregnant with our son. I spent many a night snuggling that dog and crying myself to sleep.

After our son was born, the dog got less attention. And our house was rarely peaceful.

It would be interesting to see if there are other studies about this and if there is "recovery" for dogs. For now, I'm going to make sure to give Gus a little more attention and love. He sure has licked many of my tears away.

Busted

This is not a happy day for me.

Last night, I was checking my Facebook account when I saw something pop up that two of my friends had been tagged in a picture. Usually I wouldn't probably have taken notice, but for whatever it intrigued me and I clicked on the link.

The picture was of my husband and one of his "friend" both with a glass of wine in their hands. My husband's eyes look messed up. It occurred to me that while I drink, you would be hard-pressed to find a picture of me where my eyes look like this.

There have been so many signs of my husband's drinking - for months, if not years.

I have always been made out to be the "crazy" one. My husband always denies everything. I have smelled alcohol on his breath, he is late, the finances are a mess, he doesn't show up for things....

All the signs have been there. But to see this picture, was just a hard slap in the face. I felt like I had been knocked down to my knees.

The picture was taken last July, weeks after our camping trip with his AA group. This is significant because my husband has been announcing his AA sobriety birthday as January of 2009. Obviously, that is not the case.

At first, I felt somewhat vindicated. The reason for our separation last May was because he did not come home all night long. A few weeks after that, he missed our daughter's 3rd birthday entirely.

I told his family that I thought he was drinking and gave them my reasons why. That birthday party was actually the last day I saw his aunt alive. She was clearly upset. But later, his dad sided with my husband, and I suppose the rest of the family did too.

My father-in-law told me, maybe if you were nicer to your husband, he would come home more often.

It occurred to me last night to send this picture off to my father-in-law, but I have come to realize he can not help me anymore.

All these years, he has disabled him. My father-in-law has too much vested in believing that his son is right, and I am wrong.

It really saddens me that after all of these rehabs, AA and everything else that my husband is still not sober. I have always rooted for him, even if I was not able to stand by him anymore. I have been angry, so angry - but now I am just sad.

This is my children's father. And whatever pain he has caused me, there is no way that I can replace their daddy.

Kids' Sweet Tooth Linked to Alcoholism, Depression

A new study finds that children are more likely to have an intense sweet tooth if they have a family history of alcoholism, or if they've suffered from depression themselves.

The research was conducted by scientists at the Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia, and published online in the journal Addiction.

Sugary foods and alcohol trigger many of the same reward circuits in the brain, so scientists in this case decided to test the sweet tooth of children with a family history of alcohol dependence. They also hypothesized that children who suffer from depression might be more likely to crave sweets, because they make them feel better.

The study involved 300 children between the ages of 5 and 12. About half of them had a family history of alcoholism, defined as having a parent, sibling, grandparent, aunt or uncle diagnosed with alcohol dependence. About a quarter of the children were classified as showing depressive symptoms.

Researchers gave the children five different sweetened water samples, with varying levels of sugar saturation, and asked them which one they liked best. The children who preferred the sweetest sample were also the ones who had both a family history of alcoholism, as well as symptoms of depression.

The findings suggest that a preference for sweets might not be solely about taste buds, but instead could have to do with the child's chemical makeup and family history.

"We know that sweet taste is rewarding to all kids and makes them feel good," the study's lead author, Julie Mennella, said in a news release from Monell, where she works as a developmental psychobiologist. "In addition, certain groups of children may be especially attracted to intense sweetness due to their underlying biology."

Previous studies have illustrated a link between adult alcoholism and a sweet tooth. But other research has also shown that children's preference for sweet drinks coincides with growth spurts, rather than any underlying family biology.

For the 37 children in this study who had both the alcoholism and depression factors, the level of sweetness they most preferred was a solution with 24 percent sugar – the equivalent of about 14 teaspoons of sugar dissolved in a cup of water. That's more than twice the level of sweetness in a typical can of cola.

It was also a third more intense than the sweetness level preferred by the other children without the same family history, which was an 18 percent solution.

The study is careful to note that children with a sweet tooth won't necessarily grow up to become alcoholics or suffer debilitating depression. "At this point, we don't know whether this higher 'bliss point' for sweets is a marker for later alcohol use," Mennella said.

She and her colleagues also measured the ability of sweets to mitigate pain, by timing how long the children could keep their hand submerged in a tub of cold water while holding a sugary substance in their mouth. The sweets worked best for the non-depressed children, who kept their hands in the cold water for 36 percent longer.

"It may be that even higher levels of sweetness are needed to make depressed children feel better," Mennella said.

An outside expert at the U.K.'s Cardiff University, professor Tim Jacob, told the BBC the Monell study's findings were interesting, but that it's tough to make firm conclusions from one study alone. The results could reveal something about children's brain chemistry, but also might be explained by behavior and upbringing, he said.

"While it is true that sweet things activate reward circuits in the brain, the problem is that sweets and sugar are addictive, because the activation of these reward circuits causes opioid release, and with time more is needed to achieve the same effect," Jacob said. "But the taste difference may be explained by differences like parental control over sweet consumption."

The Monell research received funding from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism and the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development.

-Lauren Frayer

Grief

I got an email this morning from a dear friend, letting me know his brother had died. Years ago the three of us would have so much fun together. He always carried things a bit to far with his drinking and that progressed to the point in recent years where many of us could barely stand to be around him. I saw him less and less over the years but I always cared about him and asked how he was doing. I choose to remember the good years now. It is so tragic to lose a life to alcoholism. He had everything in the world going for him when I met him. Charming, good looking, smart...everyone always liked him. It is so hard for me to understand the whys.

We need to find better solutions to this "disease". No one should die this way. In the midst of everything going on in Haiti that is completely out of anyone's control, it is hard to understand how the simple act of taking a drink can progress to alcoholism and then death. I know people say we can not control alcoholism, but no one "has" to take a drink. It is both baffling and maddening to me.

For whatever reason their mother has been in my heart and mind these past weeks. She died about 4 years ago of cancer. She was a remarkable Irish woman who raised 6 boys. I always felt very close to her although she never expressed much emotion. (Must be the Irish in me.) I remember at her funeral one of the girls they grew up with got up and talked about how she expressed her love for others through the food she would make them. I related well to that.

When I think of his mother and father, I cry. I am grateful that his mother did not live to see this day. That was a grace. No matter how soon her death came, I know as a mother, I would never want to live to see the day my son died. There is no way to make sense of that. I know she loved him dearly and completely.

Today, I came home after my son's field trip and looked at old photos. It was sad to see him in happier years. Sad to see his mother at various milestones, looking so strong and beautiful. I did feel like I have seen better days, and I was grateful for the friends and family that have surrounded me throughout my life.

In any case I am very sad today, mostly because I know that a family that I love is hurting. My loss is insignificant - theirs is so very great. Sending peace and love to my dear friend C and his family.

Birthdays

I have been thinking about my birthday, which is in a few weeks. I will be turning 35. My husband mentioned that he and the kids would like to take me out to dinner for my birthday. I said I wasn't sure because it seems like we only fight now when we spend time together and I didn't want to spend my birthday fighting.

I was thinking back to his 37th birthday, the year after he relapsed. We were separated but had decided to go to dinner as a family.

During dinner, my son asked in his little 5-year-old voice, Daddy, why are you an alcoholic?

There was a long awkward pause. My husband's face looked crushed. I can't remember what we said but I remember it did not seem adequate.

I remember my husband later telling me that he cried on the way home.

I thought of all this and felt extremely sad. I don't know if he chose to relapse. I tend to think that because I can't understand taking a drink after years of sobriety. In that moment at least, I know that he felt remorse, which is something I rarely see from him.

I think the hardest thing for me to accept in all of this is that my husband has rarely appeared to be sorry for his actions. And his actions have caused all of us a lot of pain.

People make mistakes. I accept that. But patterns are hard to accept.

I am sad that addiction has taken over his family. I have often thought that he was pretty much destined to be an addict in that family. I also had always hoped things would get better with him. But wishing does not make it so.

Issues with Al-Anon

Sometimes I feel like Al-Anon is nothing more than a cult that brainwashes its members into staying in bad relationships. Obviously no one directly tells you to stay, but I certainly get that vibe from many, many people through their stories. And when I listen closely to those stories, their staying is concerning to me.

I have seen some people get help through Al-Anon. I know it works for some people. But I see people doing program instead of living life. Where is the joy in that? Where is the living?

"I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it." That may be true for someone married to an alcoholic in terms of keeping the alcoholics blame in check. But I think we know more about alcoholism than when that slogan was created. There are things that directly or indirectly "cause" alcoholism - like sexual abuse, giving children alcohol and drugs at a young age, and raising your children in dysfunctional (and/or alcoholic) homes. If you look at the statistics, these are all known factors.

If we know there are causes to alcoholism, why aren't we doing a better job of protecting our children? I really don't want to just sit things out and wait until my kids are teenagers so they can join Alateen. That is not a solution that I am OK with.

And why aren't we demanding cures?

I for one am tired of alcoholism. I never want my children to become addicts or co-dependents.

I think there are some good points to Al-Anon, but like the Bible, I don't think everything should just be accepted verbatim. I think the organization needs to grow and change with the times.

And I think it should be said that Al-Anon does not work for everyone. It is not the cure-all. To say, "It works when you work it." is once again blaming the victim in my mind. Some people, like my grandma, will never accept the program. She tried it, but it was not for her. That does not make her less of a person. She is actually one of the most amazing people I know. (And she has never once just spurted back a quick slogan to make me feel better - she talks like a real person, without slogans.)

If Al-Anon were truly successful, we would already have generations without co-dependents and alcoholics 50+ years after its creation. But I continually see families who are active in Al-Anon and AA where the cycle continues.

If alcoholism is a "disease", why aren't those of us who have been affected so tremendously not demanding better answers?

I am not satisfied with a plate of platitudes.

I'm not saying I have all the answers, but I do want better ones.

Anger

My husband just called me filled with anger. His dad chewed him out for an hour and a half for needing to borrow more money. Way to berate your son for not having the skills you were too drunk to teach him as a child.

I'm sick of taking the brunt of everything. If you're angry at your father, get pissy with him.

Part of the reasons we are in this mess is because his father backed out of paying our sons $2,000 a month tuition (for a school that was entirely his idea). Try keeping your word for once and see what happens!

The bigger reason is my husbands long relapse which has basically bankrupt us. I blame my father-in-law for that too. When you give your child alcohol and raise them in chaos there is a pretty major chance they will continue the cycle and become addicts.

Why my children and I need to suffer the consequences is beyond me.

My husband wants to come home but it's hard to imagine that happening with these frequent outbursts. I told him the other night I still remember him calling me nasty names and it will be hard to ever get that out of my mind.

"Ungrateful bitch" and "you miserable cunt" hardly describe the woman who has stood by his side after all of this and borne him two children.

Half The Sky

I'm reading Half the Sky. It is a brilliant and important book that I think everyone should read.

I am on an early chapter about keeping girls enslaved as prostitutes by drugging them with meth.

It struck me that my husbands family used this same approach to keep him compliant. I think giving minors drugs or alcohol is the most despicable act I can think of. When money is involved, it is a hard life to get away from.

"Neth and Momm underscore that Many prostitutes are neither acting freely nor enslaved, but living in a world etched by ambiguities somewhere between those two extremes. After her return, Momm was Bound to the brothel by drugs and debts, but the owner let her leave freely with customers, and Momm could have easily escaped if she had wanted to do so." 39

"...so the girls would have to go into debt to the trafficer. That's a classic means of gaining leverage over girls: The debts mount with exorbitant interest rates, and when the girls can't repay the loans, the trafficer sells them to a brothel." p 41

The situations these girls are in are terrible and unimaginable. In any case, reading this book has been empowering to me. I am surprised at how hopeful I feel when I put it down. There are a lot of horrible stories, but overall I feel like this is something we can all tackle.

The big thing that has been coming to my mind is that addiction keeps you centered on yourself. Even if you are the co-dependent, you are centered on the addict and the harm caused to yourself by having them in your life.

The thought that I have is, why aren't we helping people who want to be helped?

I mean really, there are millions of young girls being trapped into slavery around the world. Why not try to help those women who want out of that life?

Adult addicts can step out of their hell anytime they are ready to. But millions of young people do not have such choices.

Instead of spending money on alcohol or things that might enable an addict, why not sponsor a young woman abroad? Many people around the world live for under $2 a day.

So, I am hoping that more of us take back our power by helping those who are truly powerless. I recommend this book to everyone I know. I would highly recommend it to people who have addicts in their lives. Our world is bigger than the small, hellish one we create for ourselves.

www.halftheskymovement.org

Islam and Alcoholism

I found this article on a Muslim website I was visiting and thought it was interesting. It explains how many Muslims around the world view alcohol, which is very different than how we as Americans do. It explains the mindset that prevents so many people from ever even trying alcohol, which may be a very good thing!

In these days, countries that allow alcohol are suffering from it and the number of alcoholics is increasing rapidly. In the U.S.A., for example, the number of alcoholics has increased from four million in the 1960s to ten million in the 1970s. In Britain, the number of alcoholics has increased from half a million to one million. In some European countries, the percentage of alcoholics is 8% of the population!

Alcoholic drinks are the only poison that is licensed in those countries. However, Islam took a clear attitude towards alcoholic drinks more than 1400 years ago. Islam prohibits such drinks. Any drink that causes drunkenness is prohibited in Islam regardless of the matter it is made from and regardless of the quantity.

According to Islam, if too much of a drink causes drunkenness, then any small quantity of this drink is prohibited, because all alcoholics start with small quantities, then they become the slaves of alcohol.

Islam does not only prohibit drinking alcoholic drinks, but also prohibits making them. Islam also prohibits carrying, selling, or buying such drinks. According to Islam, if something is prohibited, all means to it are also prohibited. The reason is that it is no use to forbid something and allow the means leading to it at the same time. If alcoholic drinks are prohibited, all means to them should be prohibited; Islam prohibits the making, transporting, importing exporting, buying, and selling and selling of such drinks.

However there are some illusions that many people falsely believe about alcohol. In this article we will try to discuss and refute them to show the wisdom of prohibiting alcohol in Islam. We will also prove that Islam does not prohibit a thing unless it is harmful and dangerous.

Illusions and Facts:

1- Alcohol and Appetite: It was believed that alcoholic drink function as appetizers, but this is against confirmed scientific facts. Alcoholic drinks function as appetizers for the first week or month only, then soon the stomach and other parts of the digestive system become inflamed. Infections and ulcers begin to show up; vomiting starts; all appetite is lost.

2- Alcohol and False Warmth: It was also believed that alcoholic drinks cause warmth in the human body. But facts proved that it is only a false warmth caused by the widening of outer blood vessels. But if the drunkard is exposed to cold weather, he loses all his warmth and energy and may die of cold thinking he is enjoying warmth.

3- Alcohol and the sexual drive: Alcoholic drinks increase the sexual desire and thus may lead the drunkard to commit strange crimes under the influence of alcohol because his brain cannot function normally and in this case social values are trespassed. However, continuous drinking of alcoholic drinks ends up with sexual impotency. This shows us the wisdom of prohibiting alcohol in Islam.

Alcohol and Health:

Alcoholic drinks, which are prohibited by Islam, have a destructive effect on the nervous system through the direct toxic effect. Besides, alcohol may lead to alcoholism with its psychological and mental troubles such as convulsions and hallucination. Further, alcohol leads to malnutrition caused by inflammations in the digestive system, repeated vomiting, loss of appetite, and bad absorption in the digestive system. To add, some alcohols may cause complete blindness and heat failure owing to their severe toxicity.

An alcoholic becomes careless, selfish, easily provoked, and suspicious. He may suffer paranoia. He becomes sexually impotent. He is hated by his wife and children. He suffers from melancholy. He may end up committing suicide. An alcoholic may suffer from hallucinations: he may think he sees unreal ghosts or hear unreal voices or smell unreal scents.

Alcohol causes decay in the cells of the brain and the cortex. This may cause alcoholic psychosis and loss of memory. In this stage, an alcoholic loses the ability to distinguish the concrete from the abstract and the real from the unreal. He cannot even know the day or the place. An alcoholic loses the ability to calculate, to add or substract the easiest numbers. An alcoholic cannot remember the most recent incidents in his life.

An alcoholic may become unable to stand up without losing his balance. When he walks, he staggers. When he speaks, he slurs. He may suffer from the clubbing and swelling of his fingers. A male alcoholic develops female qualities and female alcoholic develop male qualities such as the stoppage of menstruation and the complete loss of the sexual motive.

An alcoholic suffers continual nightmares, where he sees and hears terrible things. All his life becomes a series of delusions and hallucinations. He may faint and lose consciousness any time.

The body of an alcoholic soon loses resistance to microbes and thus becomes an easy prey to any microbe. He has troubles in the kidneys, albumin in the urine, fatal blood acidity, which may end tragically with heart failure.

An alcoholic does not usually care for buying food. If he buys food, he has no appetite to eat it. If he eats it, he vomits what he has eaten. If he does not vomit, his digestive system cannot function well or absorb well. Thus an alcoholic soon goes into malnutrition and lack of vitamins; especially vitamin B. further, this Vitamin B is consumed by alcohol in the process of oxidization.

As a result of the lack of Vitamin B and malnutrition, the alcoholic may suffer paralysis in the hands, feet, and legs. He may have infections in the brain. He may have decay in cortex cells, which leads to madness. He may have infection in eye nerves, which ends up with blindness. Alcohol is simply a poison.

A drunkard may fall down under the influence of wine. This fall may cause a brain shock, a brain pressure, and a breakage in the backbone, bone breakage, or bleedings.

-Islamweb.net - 8.9.2009

Alcoholism is like Glue

This past weekend I reconnected with two old friends. One I have known for about 15 years and keep in touch on at least a yearly basis. The other I've known for about 10 but have not talked to in about 6.

The thing that stood out in my mind is that although my friends have moved on and been successful in their lives, I have stayed in the same stuck spot, and even slide back at times.

At first I justified it by saying I have two small children, but then I realized both of them have children.

In fact, one was in prison the last time we spoke. And I was helping care for her 6-year-old daughter.

I was pregnant at the time with my son and the demands on me became too much, which I regret now very much. My former husband's nephew had married a woman with a young daughter who I became very fond of. I would often babysit her, but it never felt much like babysitting - I adored the girl, and I loved to spend time with her.

The problem began when my nephew called me from jail and said that they had been arrested for selling (and later I found out manufacturing) Meth. I had no idea. This was another time in my life when I was completely naive about drugs. I knew he often had a lot of cash, but he told me he was selling cars, and I believed him. Many of the Lebanese I knew often had a lot of cash because they generally don't use credit cards. And no one in my former husband's family used drugs, or really even drank alcohol, so this was not something I would ever expect from him.

So, I was in for the shock of my life - and began visiting him in jail, and later in prison. Those are interesting stories in and of themselves. I never thought I'd find myself visiting jail or prison, especially pregnant. I was very pregnant the last time I visited him with my ex-husband. Then he was deported.

In any case, the girls grandmother and I were appointed to help raise the girl while her mother served her time. The grandmother being the primary guardian and me more as backup. However, "Grandma" wasn't really what this woman wanted to be. She was still partying. She viewed the girl as more of a burden than a granddaughter. It was horrifying.

Looking back, I wish I would have taken the girl in completely on my own. It is a huge regret I have in my life. I was overwhelmed with my own pregnancy and dealing with an alcoholic, which was also something new to me. I finally snapped when her mother called me from prison and told me Grandma needed more time to go out and party. I was asked to give up my plans at the last minute, again, to watch the girl. Looking back, my plans seem insignificant. But at the time, I was pissed and I told her mother no.

I never heard back from them again. I tried calling her at her Grandmother's home, but my calls were never returned.

Over the years, I have thought about the girl often and wondered what became of her. On Saturday, I mentioned her to my husband again. He had spent time with her as well and also had fond memories of her. He told me that God always watches out for children. I told him, that's not true. So many children are molested, raped, killed, abused...

In any case, yesterday, I found her mother on Facebook. She is thriving. She is completing her MBA and JD to become an Attorney. She has travelled all over the world. She looks great. And most important, her daughter looks like she has grown up to be a beautiful girl. She's a cheerleader. She looks happy.

I still haven't filled in all the blanks yet, but I am happy to have found them again. I never would have thought her mother could have gone from where she came from to where she is now, but it was a true lesson in grace and in not judging people based on their past.

But at the same time, it also made me feel like crap.

Once again I gave up something important to me. It reminded me that I have not travelled the world in these 8 years. I have not gone anywhere.

I finished my MBA before I had my son, but I never did a damn thing with it. Aside from raising my children, I have largely stopped living and stopped dreaming.

I am raising children in an environment that places no value on my hard work and the sacrifices I have made. So, while intellectually I believe in the value of raising my children, I don't feel that my time has been valued.

I am stuck like glue to this life that I have created with my husband. And I resent it.

Remembering Lebanon

I just got off the phone with my ex-husband's wife. We talked for more than an hour. My daughter fell asleep on the way to school this morning, so I turned around and went home after we dropped my son off. Turns out that was a good choice. She obviously does not feel well. We are spending a quiet day together.

My ex-husband and his wife just came back from a long trip to Lebanon, where they are both originally from. Her parents had come to my office yesterday and told me they were back, so I decided to check on them.

It sounds like they had a wonderful trip. I wish I had been able to go with them. Yesterday, her parents offered to take me, and today she offered me to come with her this summer.

How I miss Lebanon.

Americans seem to wonder why the Lebanese and the Palestinians fight so hard for their land. If they had been there, they would know.

It is beautiful in Lebanon. And the people are the best of the best. There is no place more hospitable, filled with love and laughter. I have never seen children so happy and well-behaved. They are free to run around the village without care, because everyone watches out for everyone else. The high school kids are smarter than most college graduates I know. Most people speak Arabic, French and English, and the children study psychology, literature, mathematics in all three languages, which is different than just taking a French or English class.

The people of Lebanon are very present. Perhaps because they have lost so much. When I went in '95-'96, Israel was still bombing nearby. My ex-husband is from a small village in the South of Lebanon. I remember being scared many times, but after a while, you get used to it. There is no place I have enjoyed traveling to more than Lebanon. It touched my soul.

I have noted to myself many times lately that since I met my current husband, I have essentially stopped traveling - at least abroad. I really want to change that. There is always so much drama involved in alcoholic families. I feel like I have missed many things. My ex-husband's 40th birthday party. A retirement party for my greatest mentor. Party after party that I was too emotionally exhausted to attend. Looking back, I wish I would have done all of it anyway. What was accomplished by me staying home, besides another defeat?

I enjoyed hearing all the stories of the people I love back in Lebanon. My sister-in-law just lost her husband. I remember them well from when I was there. He had a brain tumor then. It is amazing, really, that he made it this long. They have 7 or 8 children. Most people in Lebanon have big families. Family is everything.

We talked about the traditions of death in Lebanon. I remember going to a funeral while I was there. A young boy was killed by Israel during my stay. Nearly everyone from all surrounding villages stopped what they were doing and drove to his village for the funeral. There must have been thousands of people there. I will never forget the sound of the women wailing, screaming really, at the top of their lungs, with all of their hearts and souls.

I think I understand those screams even more now that I have my own children. The grief is unimaginable.

But I think that wailing is good for the soul. In America, death is often skipped over. In Lebanon, the family is in mourning for 40 days. The widow is never left alone. There are usually about 10 people with her at all time, to care for her needs and give her company. Every day, the entire family visits the graveside for 40 days.

I think that is beautiful. His wife told me, "one of the things I like most about our culture is that we make everyone feel so special." I think she really nailed it on the head.

Yesterday, her parents visited me at my office and brought donuts and special Lebanese pastries. My entire office was thrilled.

My daughter's namesake lives in the South of Lebanon. She is one of my ex-husband's many aunts. I remember being instantly taken with her. She is everything I would want my daughter to be - smart, always laughing, and has a very strong sense of self. Her spirit was beautiful and amazing.

I decided when I met her that I would name my daughter after her - even though I was no where close to having a daughter then. I married my first husband very young. I was still in college and wanted to finish my Masters degree first. The Masters degree was one of several things that killed our marriage - but primarily, it was my youth.

My ex-husband handled our divorce with so much grace. One of the best gifts that he ever gave to me, when I was feeling guilty about many things, was to tell me, "Despite everything, you are still the best person I have ever known." I will never forget those words, and he will never know how much they meant to me coming from him. When I am feeling low, I still can hear him telling me that, and it still helps tremendously.

I sent pictures of my daughter to show the family and especially her namesake. She was very pleased with them and sent my daughter back a dress. On Saturday we will go visit them and get it. It sounds like they brought back many gifts, which is traditional. I am looking forward to seeing their entire family. I miss all of them. They will always be my family.

The wife asked about my marriage and I told her. She said, I will never get over the time we came to your house in the middle of the night after your son was born. Right then I knew it was bad, and I wondered what was wrong with him.

I remember that night well. My son and I had just came home from the hospital. He started crying, sometimes screaming, non stop for hours. I was exhausted and did not know what to do. My husband was no where to be found. He would not return calls. Finally I called my ex-husband and his wife, who just lived down the street at the time. By then it was close to mid-night, but they came over immediately anyway. They stayed with me for hours until my son was settled and back to sleep. I will always be grateful to both of them for that. It was one of the worst and loneliest nights of my life.

The Lush

My company Christmas party is coming up soon. I had arranged to go with one of my female friends in the office since neither of us have dates. Some of the guys in my office were teasing me about going out with a group of people afterwards. I told them I would if someone else drives. I don't like drinking and driving.

One of them offered to pick me up at my house and I said, No way!! My husband has been following me. He won't admit to it, but he certainly seems to be there at odd times and snooping around.

Another guy jumped in and joked that he could just pretend to be the gardener (he's Mexican). Still another said that's bullshit. He better not start anything with me. I've seen him out. He proceeded to tell me about seeing my husband out with a tall, ugly, blond, who spilled her drink on him.

I can't believe what a hypocrite my husband is. Really it should be no surprise at this point. But nearly every day he tries to make me feel bad about the alleged lovers he thinks I've had since we've been apart. Now I see that he's just been trying to make himself feel better.

What was telling is that I am not jealous about him being with another woman. I'm mad about him being such a hypocrite and trying to make me feel bad.

And, I'm wondering what a "sober" guy is doing out at a bar with a woman that sounds like a lush.

Missed call

I had a missed call from my husband at 3:40AM today. I woke up and tried to call back, but there was no answer. I spent about 20 minutes dwelling on it. I thought maybe he was out drinking, then I fixated that he must have gotten arrested for driving drunk, and then I moved on to some other worry that I can't even remember. I started to wonder if I am ever going to reach a point in my life of faith and trust with him - or if I will always worry that the worst has happened.

He texted me very coherently and let me know that he just couldn't sleep and had accidentally dialed me while he was setting his alarm. In any case, I went back to sleep for a few hours.

It seems that my husband has finally found a sponsor that he likes and things seem to be going well with him. He is going to a lot of AA meetings with him and working through the steps. I am happy to hear this because he has really never worked with a sponsor in an official or long-term capacity.

Regardless of my interrupted sleep, I woke up in a great mood today and things seem to be going much better. I think it because of several things.

#1 I am trying to engage in more things that I love and to give back to other people.

#2 I was finally able to acknowledge where I am at with 2 close friends yesterday. I have been feeling pretty depressed, which is hard for me to admit. And I desperately need things to change in my life, which is also a hard thing to come to grips with. I also talked about some very happy moments in my life that always make me smile when I think of them. :) There was something very freeing in discussing this, and I feel a release today.

#3 I went back to the gym and had a good 45-minute workout. I haven' been doing that enough lately, especially with sick kids. But it does my soul good, and I'm going back today!

Whatever the case, I woke up with some renewed energy and restored faith this morning.

What to do?

I am home today for the second day - trying to work and take care of two sick kiddos. Going back to work with young children and doing so successfully seems almost impossible to me these days. Now that both kids are in different schools, there is always at least one day a week when one or both is either sick or off school. I can already see the effect it has on my work, which is slow to begin with.

The mortgage industry is definitely not what it used to be. I don't see myself making a good income there anymore without 1) gauging people and going against my own principles. 2) working ungodly hours and ditching my kids somewhere when they are sick or unable to go to school. And even if I was willing to compromise on either or both of those things, it still is not going to provide the income that it used to.

A lot of my friends in the industry are getting out altogether, or already have. In my state, we went from 15,000 mortgage originators to 5,000. I think that will continue to go down - and one could say that I could reap the benefits. But there are also so few people who qualify for loans these days that I think more people should probably get out. Half the time I start a loan only to find out that I can't do it for some reason half way through the process (or worse yet, at the end). Usually this is because the value of the home has dropped too far down. I am completely commission based, so if the loan does not fund, I do not get paid.

I am growing tired of all the new regulations. What keeps me in is the flexibility and my clients.

That said, I still need to be able to make a living.

I have been thinking about that a lot lately, and trying to rack my brain for any other ideas. The job market is very bad here (about the worst in the nation). But there has to be something.

I wish I could just raise my kids and not worry about it. But money is always a constant concern.

I wish our society placed more value on raising children well. I don't think there is anything more important than that. But it seems to be a job reserved for the wealthy for the most part. Or in my case, I think we probably could have raised the kids on one income if my husband had continued to work, did not have alcohol & drug problems, and if we had budgeted better from the get-go.

Now we have an enormous budget to tackle every month - and once you have established that, you can't very well go back on most of your commitments. We have cut down, and cut down, and cut down - but there is still a lot to pay every month. If I could go back and do it over again, I would have been more involved in our budget from the get-go. I felt like my husband was making so much money and it was not an issue at the time - and who was I to say anything when I wasn't bringing in the money? Well, now that there isn't as much money, it sure has a lot to do with me, and it effects my stress level enormously.

A Year in Alanon

I committed to attend 6 months worth of Alanon meetings while I was at Family Week at Betty Ford. I committed to myself that I would go for a year.

I do not think I will continue to go back on a weekly basis, as it seems time is short now that I am a single working mother. But I haven't ruled it out on an as-needed basis.

The literature in particular has been very helpful to me. Several of the slogans are also great.

"Life on life's terms."

"Take what you like - leave the rest!"

"Life is a package deal."

"The three C's: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it."

What I think was the most helpful to me was attending week after week and seeing patterns. It seems both the alcoholic (sober or not) and the co-dependent have marked personality traits.

I saw the same people come to the meeting week after week. Some people got better, and others did not. Many people cried or complained every week about the same thing. The one thing I really noticed is while, recovery for the co-dependent is mostly about the co-dependent getting better, people who stayed in relationship with the alcoholic never seemed to get all that better. The same frustrations kept surfacing, even though they perhaps had better tools to deal with them.

It's easy to say just leave the alcoholic in your life. This is probably easier when it is your spouse, than when the addict is your parent or your child. But honestly, I did not see as much recovery for people who chose to stay with the alcoholic, sober or not. I saw a lot of recovery from the people who chose to leave.

I saw a lot of generational abuse of alcohol and drugs. My own thoughts after listening to a lot of this is that children model the behavior of their parents. I did see some interesting research about genetics while I was at Betty Ford. But overall, after being around this for the last 7-8 years with my husband and being at Alanon meetings, I have to say that I think that this is learned behavior, mostly.

The saddest thing I saw was people who had children who were addicts. Sadder still were people who had lost these children. I did not see anyone fully recover from that. That is one reason I really firmed my resolve for my own children. I know this is a touchy subject, but I do believe there are things you can do that at least help your children become less at risk for this "disease." I'd like to research that more fully. But I do think I heard a lot of people talk about their lives and their regrets over the course of a year and there are things I have filed in my head.

One thing I really liked about Alanon is that no one is supposed to tell you what to do. I think this really helps because oftentimes when someone tells you what to do, you want to do the exact opposite. I think listening to people week after week really helped me develop my own informed opinion about what would work best for me in my own life.

Overall, I am very grateful for this program. I think it has been a good use of my time. I will say though that I believe in the law of attraction. That is, your life becomes more of what you focus on.

And I am tired of focusing on the alcoholic in my life. I am ready to focus on the positive aspects. I believe I have learned more of what has brought me into that relationship through Alanon, other reading, counseling and introspection.

I have noticed that several of the people I know who had serious drug and alcohol problems and then completely moved away from that and DID NOT retain the typical dry drunk characteristics that you usually see did not ever attend AA meetings. They used either church or Islam for their recovery. That is something else I would like to further look into, with Alanon as well. I have said this before, but I think after all these years, there should be more than just AA and Alanon, or at least more progress within those groups.

There are still far too many serious consequences to alcoholism and addiction for us to not begin to take this more seriously.

ADHD and Addiction

My mom sent me this article and I decided to post it because I found it very interesting. It seems like many alcoholics and cocaine-addicts also have ADHD. I have been reading about this connection for a while now and urging my husband to take meds (even though I am anti-meds in general). From what I can tell, addicts who take these meds have a lesser chance of relapsing. Some of this information is addressed below and the article itself had a lot of interesting comments if you want to google it. I would be very interested to read about what effects these drugs have on children in the future - ie, are they more apt to be addicts? Seems like there are lots of questions to be answered here - but this is a start. I welcome your comments!

Now we know why Ritalin works
By Dana Blankenhorn | Sep 9, 2009

Why do stimulants like Ritalin turn ADHD kids normal but turn normal kids into hopped-up screaming meamies?

Turns out it’s all about the dopamine.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter. It passes signals between cells in your brain. Good signals.

Think of it as a chemical “attaboy.” It is well known as a precursor to adrenaline, and Arvid Carlsson won the 2000 Nobel Prize in medicine for finding this other role.

Recently scientists at the Brookhaven National Lab gave 53 ADHD people and 44 controls a radioactive tracer that would “light up” dopamine receptors and transporters under a PET scanner.

What they found was the ADHD people had fewer of these cells, meaning our brains are less capable of processing dopamine, the chemical “attaboy,” than other people. It’s all gone into the Journal of the American Medical Association.

If you don’t have many cells that process dopamine, the best way to get a healthy dose in your brain is to flood it with chemicals that produce dopamine. Stimulants. That’s why Ritalin and Adderall help ADHD kids. These same chemicals overstimulate a brain with a normal load of dopamine receptors, which is why your kid just gets high on them.

But the study also explains a lot more. Eating stimulates dopamine, so fat ADHDers are self-medicating in the same way as their cousins who try benzedrine or other drugs. So does exercise, which may be why Michael Phelps stays in the pool all day.

This may also be why ADHD “poster boy” Robin Williams reported that, when he used cocaine, he felt quiet, normal, and sane. Cocaine also stimulates dopamine. This may also be why he later became an alchoholic. Alcohol helps stimulate the natural release of dopamine.

This may also be part of what drove Williams to be a comic and actor. Loud applause stimulates dopamine. It may explain why so many other ADHDers are so ambitious, so driven to succeed at their passions. We need more real attaboys to stimulate our limited dopamine receptors.

As an ADHD kid myself, and father to two more, this may also explain something I have found troubling my whole life. I don’t react well to praise. Tell me you like this article and I may just shrug it off. Tell me you hate it and we can have a good argument — well an argument at any rate. Praise doesn’t give me the hit it gives you — I need a lot of it to feel it.

So while some are going to take this study as offering a simple chemical solution to ADHD (more dopamine) I believe therapy is still highly recommended. The real answer lies in self-awareness, using ADHD’s gifts to concentrate and create, while being aware of its downsides and treating yourself more gently as a result.

Word to my fellow ADHDers, of any age, wherever you are. You may not hear the applause, and you may not feel it, but it’s there if you work hard and listen closely.

My Ultimate Goal

Last night I started thinking of the purpose of this blog, and the purpose of my life really.

I want to raise healthy, addiction-free children.

All of my time and investment is in that. And at times I resent my husband and father-in-law, but I don't want that to cloud my true purpose.

It seems it is more important to them to demonize me and protect their money than to focus on these kids.

Next week, I will go back to work full-time. I have been gradually working towards that these last few weeks, but next week, both kids will be in school for 6-9 hours a day. My mother has once again stepped forward and offered to help in huge ways that I will never be able to repay her for.

It is going to be a huge adjustment for all of us, and at times I feel very sad and bitter about it. I don't want my 3-year-old in school all day. It seems way too young to me. But it seems there is no other option now.

My father-in-law pays my husband (and I believe his brother) more than $2,000 a month through his company just to fund a life insurance policy for him so he won't have to pay estate taxes when he dies. I imagine that's quite a policy. And quite a sum he feels he needs to protect.

I started thinking about that last night, and the fact that my father-in-law flippantly decided he didn't want to pay for my son's $2,000 a month school tuition.

He clearly has different values than me.

And while it does eat at me when I think about it, I really need to resist those moments and focus on my kids.

At the end of the day, if these kids end up with problems, I am always going to wonder what all of us could have done differently.