Islamic Feminism

I met with the head of our local Muslim school yesterday, who I have known for over 10 years. I have been involved with the school for many years, but not as much as I would have liked after the birth of my children. I am going to be taking on a more active role now and I am very excited about that.

I had a very good talk with my friend, not only about the school and my son's school, which have a wonderful alliance, but also about life.

We talked a lot about my marriage and about my father-in-law. He was very surprised that my father-in-law had not been more supportive of both me and my marriage. He was also very surprised that my father-in-law did not work more closely with my husband. He said in Yemen, when a father is successful, it makes him proud to bring his son up in that same tradition.

I remember the same thing from my former father-in-law. Although he was not wealthy, he did own quite a bit of land. He was so proud of the fact that some day he would give all of that to his sons. (Women receive their inheritance when they marry as a way of insuring their financial control within the marriage. The money is theirs to keep. If the marriage goes south, they are not stuck.)

When I was leaving, my friend showed me the new library at the school, which he was very proud of. I noticed a women's studies section and in particular a book about Islamic Feminism, which I also have at home. I told him that we need to make sure that the girls graduate as Muslim feminists! Then I stopped myself, and we both agreed that Islam is a feminist religion that empowers women. I don't think very many people think of Islam in that way, but at it's root, that is what Islam set out to do. In many ways, that is what Islam has done for me.

Islam empowered me in a way that no other religion has. And, in going back to work, no other segment of my client base has been more supportive of me than my Muslim base.

I also was reflecting with my husband that it is so interesting that people stereotype Arab and Muslim men as holding back strong women, but my American father-in-law seems to have the problem with me, whereas my Arab and Muslim brothers seem to be very proud of my strength. My previous father-in-law is so proud of me. And yet all I feel from my current father-in-law is disgust.

Effort

It seems like everything lately is taking me a lot of effort. I have very little energy. I'm not sure if it is my fall, and my body just needs to heal, or if I am just slightly depressed and I need time to heal from my situation. Perhaps it is a bit of both.

Either way, I just feel very sluggish and tired. I am going to a funeral this morning. I really don't feel like going. I always feel like you should go to all weddings and funerals because you honor life and the important commitments we make to each other. But this morning it just seems like an extra effort that I don't want to make. Besides that, I have to go out of my way to pick up my 92-year-old grandmother, who I love dearly, but who can also be a bit much. She's just one of those people who it is just never enough. And I'm already feeling that, so facing her this morning just feels like a lot. Facing a lot of sadness feels like a lot too. And driving even one mile sounds like hell.

I was thinking that I used to wake up at 8. Now, but 8 I have already woke up, got myself ready, got two children ready for school, fed them, packed lunch, drove across town to get my son to school and am on my way to my daughter's school. I am already tired before I get to work.

My son is excelling in his new school. He loves it, and it is wonderful to see him thrive there. I have done my best to become involved there. I go to lunch there when I can and have signed up for as much volunteering as I can with my work schedule. He truly loves it there, and has thanked me for sending him there. I am very glad that he is grateful and I do feel like he appreciates it. I remind myself of that when I feel tired or overwhelmed. Someday, all of this will be worth it. Someday, we will live closer to the school. Someday, both kids will be old enough to go there. Someday, we will be out of all the mess we are in now.

I am still very resentful of my father-in-law for backing out of paying for the school. It would have been no sweat off his back. I am trying to get over it, but it is hard when every day I just feel worn out. My husband keeps telling me he wants to make amends to me, and I jokingly told him yesterday, yeah, this is his amends. I started imitating his dad. "Hi there...I'm really sorry and I want to make this up to you. So here's what I'm gonna do for you..." I slowly pull up my middle finger and start laughing.

But today, I just feel really tired. I think I will go for a walk and try to get some hope back.

i carry your heart with me

This is the poem that has been in my head as I put the kids into school full-time.


i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


- ee cummings

Accepting Change

Tomorrow is the start of school, and I can not sleep. I am very upset about my daughter starting school on an all-day basis. It just breaks my heart. I started thinking about the passage about acceptance and decided to post it again.

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could no stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes. " p448, The Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous

I can accept that this is the best and only decision I have for my daughter right now. What is hard to accept is that it is the selfish actions of her father and his family that has brought us to this place. That I can't accept, and I don't know if I will ever be able to accept it.

My daughter is 3-years-old. We can never get this precious time back. I feel like it is being robbed from me. I feel like her happy little spirit is being robbed from her. And I am very, very angry about that.

Earlier today my husband wanted to stop by to get some things and I became upset. Why do we always have to change our plans to accommodate him? When does he ever accommodate us?

I told him not to come. I am tired of having my children's lives upset and turned upside down. I am tired of him pretending to be a father. I am tired of having anything at all to do with him.

His things have all been here for 5 months. There should be no sudden urgency about anything anymore. All he left us with is a bunch of old junk.

I know the passage about acceptance is right. I know it has worked for people. There is just very little I feel like accepting right now.

I re-watched Malcolm X the other day and thought there is a man who didn't live by the status quo or accept the bullshit that was handed to him. And, they killed him. Sometimes I wonder if life for the "successful" is just a puppet dance. Playing by someone else's rules that really don't work for you.

Somewhere in all of this I need to find what does work, for me, and for my children.

Changes

I had a dream about my in-laws last night. Just seeing them in a dream gets my heart rate up. We were all sitting down at a restaurant. My husband had not told me they were going to be there and I flipped out. It seemed very real to me. I have not seen my father-in-law with his wife there for 2 years now. I have no desire to see either of them again.

Today the kids and I are getting everything ready for school. My son has some homework to do and I have forms to fill out. I have been slowly going through the house and getting rid of junk. Today, I will go through both of the children's rooms with them.

We are trying to modify our mortgage through the new government program, but it doesn't seem to be much of a program. This process started in January, and no answer. Since I am a mortgage broker, I know this is not just my experience. Everyone I have referred to this program has still not been able to modify their mortgage. That is a pretty low success rate.

In any case, I am still hoping they can modify our mortgage and make it more affordable, someday soon. But if not, I am trying to get the house ready to sell.

It seems like I am on the cusp of a lot of different things. The kids are starting school, I am going back to work full-time, and on the verge of being divorced. I have a lot of anxiety about all of it. I just sleep in little segments, wake up and think some more. It will be nice when I get into the new routine and know how everything is going to come out. I worry my time with the children will be too little, especially with all these changes.

Time to face the Day

I did not sleep last night.

I woke up too early and my mind was racing just like all the hours before that I was trying to sleep.

I got up to go to the bathroom and then tried to lay back down and meditate. But I am just too upset.

Everything is spinning through my mind now. The relief wore off quickly and now I feel now is pain and fear.

I'm having coffee with all the moms from school in a few hours and I don't know how I'm going to make it. But it is the kids last day so I want to make sure it is special for them.

Picnic

We went to the end of the year school picnic as a family tonight. I just picked up some pizzas on the way but it was actually great. As a "couple" on a social level we actually get along really well (so long as my husband is not drinking).

This is the end of our sons 3rd year in Montessori and I really like the families we have been in with. My husband met a few men that he really gets along well with. He hasn't interacted with these families nearly as much as I have but he's good at walking right in anywhere and becoming friends with everyone.

The kids were happy he was there too.

My son’s teachers know what has been going on at home but other than that, no one does. Even last year when J was in rehab for 90 days, it is not anything I shared with anyone. There's such a stigma with alcoholism and I haven't wanted my son to be singled out or be the family that no one wants to be around.

No More Baby

Yesterday, we went to an event at my son’s school for next year. We went as a family, with my husband. It is strange in some ways to be out with him, as if our family is still together. Very few people know we are actually separated.

It hit me driving to school today that next year my son will be in school all day.

My daughter and son only go to Montessori from 9-12 every day, so this will be a big change. I remember a teacher once telling me that she thought it was even more important for one of the parents to be home when kids come home from school when they are older, and now this makes sense. We will have a lot less time together next year.

It makes me sad that my baby is growing up. With my son it has been particularly bittersweet because I really feel like I lost the first year of his life.

I was working so much to pay the bills. And I was not used to living with an alcoholic.

My relationship with my husband was already difficult while I was pregnant. But we didn’t live together then, so that made things easier in a lot of ways.

Once our son was born, we decided we should live together and be a family for him. But that is when he started staying out all night long. And there was no hiding how much he was drinking then. Having a baby in this environment is terrifying.

My son is very sensitive and I often wonder how this first year affected him. I was often crying when I was with him. All day I had to work hard and concentrate on what I was doing. I never allowed myself to cry. I rarely told anyone what was happening, and I certainly never shared the extent of it.

At night, I was often exhausted, probably still very hormonal. And I breast fed him for more than 2 years, which is depleting in and of itself.

I really cherish every second I have with my children and it has made me very careful with my time. I am not one to go out much and when I do get together with people, my children are often included.

But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I am excited for this opportunity for my son. And I am proud that he has grown up to be so compassionate, talented and intelligent. But all the same, I am very sad this morning.

Time has gone by so quickly.

Male Supplements

I met with my son’s counselor several days ago for a short session. She said he seemed to be doing better, which is what I had thought too, but I didn’t know if that was my own prejudice. Things are more peaceful around the house without my husband stomping around – and arguing.

I realized the other day at taekwondo class that I am buying male-time for my son. I think it also helps him get some of his anger out. He gets a lot from his taekwondo teacher in terms of what it means to be a man and how to treat people.

I was thinking along those same lines yesterday when I went to visit his school for next year. It is so expensive and I don’t know how we will swing it, but I feel like the extra attention will be so worth it. I am looking for a lot of supplements for his father. He has a lot of women around him, between me, my mom and my sisters. But really there is just his dad, and my dad in terms of men that are here on a regular basis. I always worry that it won't be enough.

I remember reading something while we were down at Betty Ford for the marriage seminar weekend about how the end of the extended family is hurting our children. It used to be if there was one dysfunctional parent, it wasn’t that big of a deal because the extended family was so involved with raising the child. But now, parenting is largely an isolated event, and one dysfunctional parent can be extremely detrimental for a child. There are not enough other people around to round things out. Not enough other influences anymore in children’s lives. That makes a lot of sense to me. I know my grandparents on both sides were very involved in my life growing up. And I was better for it, especially with divorced parents. I am very lucky that my family is so involved with the kids.

The counselor reiterated that it was important for the kids to have their dad in their lives. She said if he disappeared all together that would be more traumatic than what we are experiencing now.

The rest of the story...

So, I didn't finish my story...

When my father-in-law sent me the email, my husband sent him a very nice email back. I sent him a curt reply back about how I thought this might be the case after some of our previous dealings so I had made alternative arrangements at the Muslim School.

One of the things I have not mentioned previously is that I am of mixed religions. I was born into a Christian family, and then my first marriage was to a Muslim man. After many years of atheism and giving up on my faith altogether, I converted to Islam several years into our marriage. (More on this later).

But then as time progressed, I felt myself drawn back into the Christian fold, albeit the more liberal one. So, I have made peace with my odd religious "classifications" and have ties to both the Christian and Muslim communities.

In any case, the Muslim school in our city is in my opinion, one of the finer schools. The issue is that there are still so many stereotypes with the Muslim religion and that many people are still scared of it. Especially after 911. Including my father-in-law.

I think he is one of the many people who are uncomfortable with my lack of religious classification. Not that he is particularly religious himself. It would just make him feel a lot better if I were something more "safe" like a Christian, Catholic or Jew.

I get that sentiment a lot.

So I digress....

That was weeks ago, and I did not receive any sort of reply back from my father-in-law, which is fairly typical.

One morning, we both receive another email stating that he just wants to check in about schools, following up on my last email about the Muslim School.

He basically says he is still willing to pay for another Christian School as long as he chooses it.

I tell him, "No thank you."

He responds back that it looks like I have a new iPhone and that we shouldn't forget our other obligations when we have extra money.

This statement is ludicrous to me!

First of all, we don't have any extra money. Second of all, my blackberry, which I need for work, died. I took over my husband's old iPhone, which I happen to hate, so I don't have to buy a new phone.

Lastly, it is really none of his business.

He and my husband have an arrangement. I am not in that arrangement. My husband chose not to work for a year. I have been working my ass off pretty much since I was 8-years-old. I certainly have been working over-time since my son was born 6 years ago. I have been working and taking care of two children, at the expense of his grandchildren and more than anyone else, myself. I have headaches every day, and migraines at least 10 days out of the month. How he can live with that fact, I do not know.

My father-in-law and my husband have a secret arrangement that they will not discuss with me. I am always left out of their private financial details. Whenever I do press, I am always given different information, and it is often conflicting.

I have never asked my father-in-law for a dime, and I certainly have never received any money directly from him.

As far as I know, he would be happy to let me sit out on the street and prostitute myself out.

This is the last communication I have had with my father-in-law for a while now. This is sorta how our relationship goes. You get the gist.

But after thinking about it, my husband and I decided to stick with our decision and send him to OES on our own dime. It will be a stretch for us, but at least it will be in our hands in not up to the whims of my father-in-law.

The Big Blow to the Head

Several years ago, my father-in-law went to my husband about schooling for our kids. He said that their family had never placed an emphasis on education and he thought it was important for our kids to get a good education. My husband and his brother never finished college, and I’m not sure about my father-in-law. That always seemed crazy to me with their money. My dad scrimped and saved so I could go to school, and I have always been so grateful to him for that experience.

In any case, my father-in-law put the offer out there for two of the best schools in our town. At first I was very excited about it. Then, after spending time with him, and seeing how he was about money, I started having doubts about it. We applied for preschool at one school when he made the offer, but my son didn’t get in. The experience was pretty traumatic for me. Basically anyone telling me my son is not good enough – at 4-years-old – makes me pretty upset!

So in many ways, the school idea was out of my mind for a while. Besides that, my husband relapsed in the midst of everything, so schools weren’t exactly first-and-foremost on my mind. Every day survival was hard enough. Just getting out of bed and taking care of everything in our family that was suddenly on my plate alone was all I could do.

But as my husband got sober again, the topic came up again, and I thought, if our children have this sort of opportunity, who am I to stand in their way?

So, I did everything.

The application process took about 3 months. I had to get teacher evaluations. I interviewed at the schools. My son interviewed for half a day at both schools. I wrote 10-point essays about every aspect of my son’s life. And then I waited by the mail box for a month.

It was a very hard process because we had missed the window. One school let most of their kids in at preschool. The other was kindergarten. We had a child who wanted a slot in first grade, and this was already a very tight competition.

But, my son did get into one school, actually my favorite of the two. He was wait-listed at the other because they did not have room for him. I was beyond ecstatic.

Honestly it felt to me that nothing had been going right in our lives for a very, very long time. At least now there was one thing that we could really be proud of and excited for.

My relationship with my father-in-law had been extremely strained. I had completely stopped talking to him for almost a year. Gradually, we had started talking, little by little. He had even come for dinner twice. I felt like things were perhaps moving in the right direction. My husband told me that he wanted things to be better. I wanted things to be better too.

I made the following post to our family blog:

We got an acceptance letter from "the school" today for J. I am so proud of our boy. He is everything I always knew he would be, and more.

Here is a poem I wrote about J a few years ago.

His blue eyes sparkle like the stars
His love is like the sun
My boy is my heart and my soul
The day you were born my heart sang-
The world stopped.
And everything was different.
My Joey, you are the son, the moons, the stars, the joy, the love, the oath, the hope, the dream and the everything that I always wanted and I always knew would someday
Come.


A few days later, we received an email from my father-in-law. He said he had decided not to pay for the school. It “does not fit my goals for J or your family. It is out of your socio-economic level. I am still willing to pay for a private education at a more middle class neighborhood Catholic or Christian school…”

Well, obviously he has no idea about the application process at any school, because everything starts in November and is due in January. And he is telling us this in mid-March when there are no options available and our deposit is due in two-weeks.

Our resources were extremely tapped by my husband’s relapse, which included him not working for a year. Sending our son to this school will be nearly impossible now.

We had told our son he was going to the best school, one that we had carefully picked out for him with the greatest care and love. He was excited and had told all his friends. We had told all of ours too. I had written thank you notes to his teacher, and to his Taekwondo instructor, thanking them for their roles in his life. I told his Taekwondo instructor, "our success is your success too."
I went back to the poem that I had written and posted. I had graciously taken out one line when I had posted it to our blog.

His blue eyes sparkle like the stars
His love is like the sun
My boy is my heart and my soul
The day you were born my heart sang-
The world stopped.
And everything was different-
At least for me.
My Joey, you are the son, the moons, the stars, the joy, the love, the oath, the hope, the dream and the everything that I always wanted and I always knew would someday
Come.