Saturday, May 30, 2009

Male Supplements

I met with my son’s counselor several days ago for a short session. She said he seemed to be doing better, which is what I had thought too, but I didn’t know if that was my own prejudice. Things are more peaceful around the house without my husband stomping around – and arguing.

I realized the other day at taekwondo class that I am buying male-time for my son. I think it also helps him get some of his anger out. He gets a lot from his taekwondo teacher in terms of what it means to be a man and how to treat people.

I was thinking along those same lines yesterday when I went to visit his school for next year. It is so expensive and I don’t know how we will swing it, but I feel like the extra attention will be so worth it. I am looking for a lot of supplements for his father. He has a lot of women around him, between me, my mom and my sisters. But really there is just his dad, and my dad in terms of men that are here on a regular basis. I always worry that it won't be enough.

I remember reading something while we were down at Betty Ford for the marriage seminar weekend about how the end of the extended family is hurting our children. It used to be if there was one dysfunctional parent, it wasn’t that big of a deal because the extended family was so involved with raising the child. But now, parenting is largely an isolated event, and one dysfunctional parent can be extremely detrimental for a child. There are not enough other people around to round things out. Not enough other influences anymore in children’s lives. That makes a lot of sense to me. I know my grandparents on both sides were very involved in my life growing up. And I was better for it, especially with divorced parents. I am very lucky that my family is so involved with the kids.

The counselor reiterated that it was important for the kids to have their dad in their lives. She said if he disappeared all together that would be more traumatic than what we are experiencing now.


  1. Having been a single Mom for many years. I agree that a part time Dad, in whatever capacity they are able to be, is better than the disappearing Dad. With my first marriage (I've had 2) we had two children and when the divorce happened my ex totally dropped out of the picture and as a result my oldest son has this longing - that none of us understand - to know his Dad. My daughter on the other hand has no desires what-so-ever. To her, her biological Dad and his family are strangers and she has no interest in getting to know them at all. She's not angry, she doesn't hate, she just truly believes them to be strangers. I remarried and my husband adopted my two oldest children and then we had two more together and despite our divorce, he is still "Dad" to all four children. Still, my oldest boy does have that longing..

  2. Yes, I can see how that would happen with my children's different personalities. Thank you for your insight. It's hard to know what is the right thing in the heat of all of this.

  3. I think you're doing fine and most importantly your kids will know that YOU explored every avenue, left no stone unturned in trying to, first and foremost, include and encourage their Dad to be a part of their lives in every aspect. And secondly, you did the same to save your marriage and provide a stable home for all. That is A LOT for one woman to do! All the while maintaining the day to day living stuff?! It's not easy but you're doing it! And you will keep on doing it because that's what YOU do, that's who YOU are and trust me, your children see it and absorb it.