Doubt and blaming

I had a very full weekend with the kids, which was good. I think being busy and around other people takes my mind off things. The kids too. My daughter is still pretty upset. She told me she wished my friend V was her mommy instead of me. Yesterday, she wet her pants - which she was been done with for some time now.

The kids talk to their dad on the phone. Sometimes when he calls, they don't want to talk to him. But they usually call him on their own about 3 times a day.

He is still texting and calling me a lot, telling me he loves me. He says that I haven't tried everything or to fix things - that I have been unavailable to him. That I'm living in the past.

I told him, that's impossible to do when you keep repeating the same unacceptable behavior. There is no difference between past, present and future in my mind with you.

I still can't fathom why he did not come home. Both kids have asked him if he was drinking alcohol. I think my daughter picked it up from my son. They have asked me, and I tell them I don't know. That angers my husband, but all the signs are there.

I remember one of the previous times he did this, I had called my father-in-law and said I thought he was drinking. My father-in-law said he must be really, really sick. He could not fathom he was drinking either. My husband talked us both down. I think we both ended up thinking we were crazy. I don't know what my father-in-law thinks now, but I get the feeling he thinks I'm the crazy one here now.

I remember when he first started doing this, after I had our son - and we first tried to live together, I didn't know what to do. I went to my grandpa, and he said, "Well, just don't open the door and let him back in. That'll teach him." That didn't work either. It seems the only thing is just to end this and be out of this terrible, repetitive pattern.

So many times, my husband has done this, and it has always turned out that he was drinking when he did it. He always minimizes his actions. Even his drinking and drug use. After he was gone last time, I found receipts for liquor and bar receipts that gave me an idea of how much he was drinking. Even when he wreaked of alcohol, he said he wasn't drinking. He said it was mouthwash. I remember his counselor replying to him at a joint session, "That's some pretty strong mouthwash there."

I wish on so many levels that my husband would just tell the truth. I don't understand what's so hard about that.

We are seeing my son's counselor in a few hours. We already had an appointment scheduled weeks ago. I had called the counselor, told her what had happened, and didn't expect my husband to even remember, but he said he's coming.

I guess the biggest thing for me at this point, is that I don't want my children to believe his behavior is acceptable. I don't want them to doubt themselves like I have doubted myself.