Sat, 11 Aug 2007 - Email from my father-in-law

You two as individuals deserve a happy marriage.
You are both smart, kind, loving and considerate people.
I think you are both fighting for your own personal identity, space, control and/or self-worth.
I think you have both forgotten the love for each other that you felt prior to your marriage.
I think that you have both forgotten your marriage vows.
I DON’T THINK THAT IT IS TOO LATE TO SAVE THIS MARRIAGE AND YOUR FAMILY.
I think that you both love each other.
I think that you both love your family.
A good marriage requires a healthy environment.
Both of you need to quit trying to win.
The marriage and your family must be more important to you than yourself individually. (make sacrifices, be humble).
Only speak of your feelings. Don’t tell the other how you think or feel.
TELL THE TRUTH.
BE RIGOROUSLY HONEST.
DON’T LIE.
Be forgiving of each others mistakes and/or character defects.
Share your family (meaning all, J.) financial information. Make all decisions together.
Don’t say anything unless it is TRUE, unless it is NECESSARY, and unless you can say it in a KIND & LOVING WAY.
End each day by saying some prayers together. Even just holding hands and saying the “our Father” would be a good start. Go to bed together and with no children at 10PM.
Get up at 6AM together. Enjoy a cup of home-made coffee, visit, share your plans for the day.
Wake J. up at 7 or 7:30 AM (the same time consistently, every day)
J. Leave for work around 8:20 AM.
Call or text message each other at least twice a day to share a positive or loving thought.
Save daily problems or negative thoughts to talk about in person after dinner (they may not be that important if you give them some time). If there is an issue you will be able to solve it in a kind and loving way that puts the marriage and family first.
Have dinner every night at 6:30 PM.
J, you must honestly try as hard as you can to be there. (leave work by 6PM unless you are working with a live customer, no other thing or task is more important than your family and the commitment that you made to them).
S, if J. is not home feed the kids at 6:30 (consistency and structure are important).
Start your kid’s bedtime routine at the same time every night. Probably 8PM.
Check with your pediatrician if you don’t know how much sleep they need.
Put them in their own bed to sleep. Leave them there no matter what?
Enjoy each other, visit, solve family problems, plan the next day, plan the next vacation, watch television, TOGETHER, TOGETHER, TOGETHER.
Go to bed together, say prayers together.
REPEAT FOREVER.
PS It is important that your kids call you Mom & Dad or some variation of that.
Not your first names, or what you call each other.
They are the kids, you are the adults. You are the parents, they need the security of knowing the difference.
I love both of you. I love your family. If you both put your marriage and your family first you will be tremendously successful. If either of you try to win or think that you must be in control you will fail and it will be a terrible shame.
Love,
J.

Sula’s note: I received this in the midst of one of my husband’s relapses. At the time, all the signs were there, and it angers me now that my father-in-law sent me this advice about how we needed to act so specifically in our lives.

First of all, we were already doing most of his suggestions. I think in many ways these are valid suggestions. I responded positively to him, even though in my gut, I wondered, why is he telling us what to do – when he was such an awful father himself. Where does he get off?

After being sober for more than 20 years, he must have seen the signs of my husband’s relapse so much clearer than I was able to. It angers me now that instead of dealing with my husband’s addictions, he put so much blame and pressure on me.

Did he really need to give us a specific timeline of how to live our lives?

Can you say controlling?