At Peace

I went in to sign the final divorce papers this morning. It was a very easy and simple process. It was a beautiful day here, so I enjoyed the drive downtown and back home.

My husband has tried to stir up things a few times today, but I feel at peace with everything.

When I divorced my first husband, I thought going into sign would be an easy thing, and I would leave work for an hour and drive back and finish my day. But I found myself unable to stop crying. I did not go back to work for many days, and cried for perhaps 2 weeks.

I was only 23 then, so part of it was age I think. But I also feel like I have grown up quite a bit and made peace with my life. I am in a much better place now.

My ex made a comment earlier that I only think the worst of him and I told him, honestly, I really have no negative emotion towards you.

I will defend myself, and that is different from years of taking it and taking it -from him and everyone. But after I say my peace, I am fine, and ready to move on. There are things that I wish were different - particularly in the financial realm. But I know in time, everything will be better.

I really do attribute much of my peace and well-being to the Kundalini Yoga I have been doing. I know I have not even learned 1/100th of what I can from it, but I am already feeling a huge cleansing, healing and strengthening in my life.

It was the final thing that I think was missing for me.

It sounds like the divorce will be final tomorrow.

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.

-- Mother Theresa (1910-1997)

TV

If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace.

-- John Lennon (1940-1980)

Peace

You can't separate peace from freedom because no one can be at peace unless he has his freedom.

-- Malcolm X

Peace

"A truly free society must not include a "peace" which oppresses us. We must learn on our own terms what peace and freedom mean together. There can be no peace if there is social injustice and suppression of human rights, because external and internal peace are inseparable. Peace.is not just the absence of mass destruction, but a positive internal and external condition in which people are free so that they can grow to their full potential."

-- Petra Karin Kelly (1947-1992)

Making Peace with my Mother

It has been very healing for me to look back at old photos these last few weeks.

I made peace with my mother years ago. I let go of the childish expectations and grievances I had with her. I learned to accept and love her as she was, which was actually a gift to me - and to my children.

However, there was still a small child-part of me that wondered about the depth of her love for me as a child.

Perhaps I was not ready to see it years ago, when my grandmother gave me the boxes of family pictures. I looked through all but one.

Last week, I opened the box that contained the pictures of me as a young child. Most of the photos were me with my mother. And the look in her eyes said everything I needed to know.

Because now I know her as a person, and I know that the look she gave me, picture after picture, was love and pure adoration.

By Any Means Necessary

Well, so far I'd call my husband's visitations disastrous, at least with my daughter.

She is not used to spending so much time alone with him. She's still adjusting to being at school 6-7 hours a day. I don't know why my husband can't understand how she might feel as a 3-year-old little girl. It seems that everything is always about him.

It sounded as if everyone had fun on Saturday. But when she came back though, she was clearly out of sorts. She threw a huge temper tantrum at my dads. She kept saying, I don't want to be with my dad. I just want to be with you mommy.

I called my husband later that night and explained that she was having a hard time and that maybe we should ease into the visits, at least with her. I really felt like I did this in a very kind way that made it clear I was trying to think of our daughter first.

He seemed to accept that then, but the following morning after church, we got into a huge argument.

My daughter kept saying she didn't want to go and I tried to ease the situation for him by downplaying her words. (In retrospect, I won't do that again - it's disabling her feelings.)

They were all going to go to lunch together, but my daughter wanted to stay with me. She wanted me to take her out to lunch. I told her I could not afford that. My husband blew up at me for saying that in front of her.

What is wrong with the truth? I can't afford it. There was no judgement in my tone. I simply said I could not afford it. I can't.

She was by then strapped into her car seat in my car and he started screaming and yelling in the church parking lot and saying he was going to take her anyway and she was just going to have to get used to being with him.

I quietly told him he was not helping her. I reminded him that this wasn't about him, it was about her.

He ended up letting me take her after making a big scene and threatening me about how things were going to be.

I drove off shaking my head, driving past half the church members who were still in the parking lot.

He continued to text me. I ignored him.

We stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few items. He called. I answered, thinking it might be something about my son. My husband just continued to rant and rave about everything. I told him that I was in the grocery store and I could not talk. He continued on. I hung up the phone.

He brought back my son around 3pm. There was more unpleasantness. That has continued on through today.

I just want peace, for myself and for my children.

Quarrels

"Do you know what is better than charity and fasting and prayer? It is keeping peace and good relations between people, as quarrels and bad feelings destroy mankind."

--Prophet Mohammad (PBUH)(Narrated by Imam Bukhari and Imam Muslim)

Peace

Just when I was totally aggravated with the Al-Anon stuff, I saw my Mercy Corps Christmas card sitting at the top of the stack. (Mercy Corps is my favorite charity.) I got it with a bunch of other yesterday and I just sort of flipped through them all without really taking them to heart.

I thought this quote on the front of the card was perfection:

"There is no way to peace; peace is the way."

-A.J. Muste

Always Feeling Different

I went to a Hot Buttered Rum concert Saturday night with a dear fried. We met for a drink first and had a great talk.

During the concert, we noted all the differences between people. Most of the people there were hippie-like. Many had dreadlocks. There was a lot of pot floating around the room. My friend and I didn't fit into that classification, so even when we tried to be friendly with the people around us, it wasn't that effective. But despite the fact that we looked like no one there and people for the most part blocked us out, I felt the music with my soul, enjoyed it from my very being, and had a wonderful evening.

Fat, thin. Rich, poor, or middle class. Black, white, Asian, hispanic. Republican or Democrat. Liberal or conservative. Christian, Muslim, Jew....

It occured to me during the concert that I feel that I don't quite fit in with anyone. I also thought about the way we classify ourselves into groups, and someone like me who is a mix of all different things never quite fits in anywhere.

Earlier the day I was at a financial meeting at the Muslim school. I was the only American there, the only convert and the only woman not covering her hair. I was in a group of mostly much older men, from Yemen, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and Palestine, I believe - and one woman from Egypt. I started out feeling a little uncomfortable and out of place. Several of the men had PhD's. They were all more "devout" than I. But as the meeting went on, and I started to speak, I began to feel more comfortable. I have been thinking of the last line of the Audre Lorde poem, A Litany for Survival - "So it is better to speak remembering, we were never meant to survive."

It occured to me that speaking is often the only way you can break barriers. People make assumptions about you based on your appearance - what you wear, your jewelry, your car, all of these things that are really unimportant are still what shows first. My devotion to the school and to Islam are absolute. I perhaps don't look that way on the outside, but in my heart I love that school and I am so happy to see it succeed the way it has.

On a side note, we had a Human Rights Art Contest in the area, where the students drew beautiful pictures about their ideas for human rights. 4 of the 5 awards went to students at the Muslim school. One of my favorites is posted above, and was drawn by a First Grader.

I have been arguing with several of my friends lately about religion and politics. I am on the very liberal side of the spectrum with nearly everything. Many of my friends prefer Sarah Palin, George W. and Dick Cheney. There seems to be no agreement on anything, and part of me is just tired of the argument. I have no hopes to change anyone, and I hope no one plans to change me. I am stubborn as hell.

Several of my friends feel like Islam is a "dangerous" religion. We talked about that after our group meeting. One of the elder men in the group, a very successful doctor, spoke about the threat of fundamentalist Muslims to mainstream and liberal Muslims like ourselves. People in general, are not able to differentiate between the two. He feels that the Fort Hood shooting is going to be more detrimental to Muslims in this country than 9-11. I'm in an interesting spot because I don't cover my hair and I am an American. People never expect me to be a Muslim, so I hear it all. I also consider myself a Christian too, and attend church fairly reguarly. I don't see that there is any conflict in that - at least not for me. I wish that we could come to a place where we all tried to understand each other instead of looking for the differences.


"I came to the conclusion long ago … that all religions were true and also that all had some error in them, and whilst I hold by my own, I should hold others as dear as Hinduism. So we can only pray, if we are Hindus, not that a Christian should become a Hindu … But our innermost prayer should be a Hindu should be a better Hindu, a Muslim a better Muslim, a Christian a better Christian."

- Mahatma Gandhi

No Sleep

I didn't get a lot of sleep this weekend and my head feels jumbled up. Saturday, my husband took my son to a college football game. I worried about that for a weeks. For one, I have heard there is heavy drinking at these games, and I worry about putting my son in the car afterwards to drive 2 hours home. Secondly, I am still not feeling completely confident in my husband's sobriety.

But one of my best friends spent the time texting with me on Saturday and I worked through some of my fears - at least enough to let him go. I suppose I can't protect my children from everything, but I am still a very cautious person. I stayed up late waiting for them to come home. Then I couldn't sleep.

I am still disturbed about the argument I had with my husband on Friday night. It's easier for him to just pretend like nothing happened and move on with our life. For me, I feel like maybe we are just always going to end up in that spot. And I'm tired of that spot.

I feel very conflicted over the "needs" of my children versus my own happiness. Sometimes I wonder what is the best thing for them and if I am even capable of making a good decision right now. Anger, frustration and financial wreckage are not exactly the best places to come from.

I feel like I would never put up with all of my husband's BS before I had children, and that only makes me resent him more. I think he knows that and uses it against me. I'm tired of having him ask the kids in front of me if they want him to come home. What are they supposed to say? Who says a child should even be making that decision? I find it offensive that he would even put them in that spot.

I barely slept at all last night and I'm in a horrible mood. I'm not someone who does well without sleep. I wish I could come to a place of peace on my life, but somehow that always seems outside of my grasp. The only time I truly feel happy and at ease is when I am alone with my children. I enjoy them so much. There is no one I adore more.

Prayer Flags

We headed to church yesterday after a few weeks off from our beach and camping trips. I'm very glad we did because we had a special service where we all created prayer flags.

They team up all the kids with elderly people in the church so they all have a special friend called a Grand-Friend. My son's Grand-Friend was out of town, so they teamed him up with another woman. My daughter is too young for this program, so we went to sit with them and we made our flags. She was a lovely woman who had recently moved here with her husband from the Bay Area. We had a very nice talk about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and many, many books. I have just finished re-reading A Farewell to Arms, and I had forgotten how good (and funny and sad) parts of it were. There were also a lot of good quotes on war. "There is a class that controls a country that is stupid and does not realize anything and never can. That is why we have this war."

We talked about the book and some of the other books I have for the kids, one being Why War is Never a Good Idea by Alice Walker. She has grandkids so she wanted to check them out.

She did a flag for peace. My son did two flags. One said, "Dear God, thank you for the Earth and for food." The other read, "Dear God, thank you for our bodies and fun."

My daughter scribbled on three and asked me to write "Daddy" on them.

Afterwards we put all the flags together on a long string and hung them up outside. We said a special prayer together and went back into the sanctuary to finish the service.

We took a look at the vegetable garden and could not believe how big some of them had gotten! The cucumbers were enormous! It is looking more and more like a real garden. The vegetable garden is a project the kids have worked on to benefit the food bank at our church.

My dad came over to take my son on a bike ride, and my daughter and I had a quiet afternoon.

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I have not been sleeping well, so I don't think that's been helping. Sometimes I can just forget about everything and enjoy my life in spite of it, and other days everything just hits me hard.

When we talked about the different kinds of prayer in church, all the kids said what they did when they prayed. Most of them talked about praying with their fathers. Somehow that just hit me. I have a lot of memories of praying with my dad. We always said grace before meals and he came and said a prayer with me every night before bed. It just made me really sad.

The kids had wanted to call their dad in the morning, but he didn't answer. They tried a few times and then I sent him a text letting him know they were trying to call him. No response all day. I texted him again in the early evening and was like, are you planning to talk to your kids today? Finally he called around 7 and couldn't understand why I wasn't thrilled. I told him it wasn't just not talking to him today, they hadn't seen him all week. He started with the excuses, and I told him that he didn't see them break down over it and he had no idea what it was like. He said I need to be more supportive of him. I told him I was as supportive of him as I could be right now. He's still in San Francisco with his friends.

Male Supplements

I met with my son’s counselor several days ago for a short session. She said he seemed to be doing better, which is what I had thought too, but I didn’t know if that was my own prejudice. Things are more peaceful around the house without my husband stomping around – and arguing.

I realized the other day at taekwondo class that I am buying male-time for my son. I think it also helps him get some of his anger out. He gets a lot from his taekwondo teacher in terms of what it means to be a man and how to treat people.

I was thinking along those same lines yesterday when I went to visit his school for next year. It is so expensive and I don’t know how we will swing it, but I feel like the extra attention will be so worth it. I am looking for a lot of supplements for his father. He has a lot of women around him, between me, my mom and my sisters. But really there is just his dad, and my dad in terms of men that are here on a regular basis. I always worry that it won't be enough.

I remember reading something while we were down at Betty Ford for the marriage seminar weekend about how the end of the extended family is hurting our children. It used to be if there was one dysfunctional parent, it wasn’t that big of a deal because the extended family was so involved with raising the child. But now, parenting is largely an isolated event, and one dysfunctional parent can be extremely detrimental for a child. There are not enough other people around to round things out. Not enough other influences anymore in children’s lives. That makes a lot of sense to me. I know my grandparents on both sides were very involved in my life growing up. And I was better for it, especially with divorced parents. I am very lucky that my family is so involved with the kids.

The counselor reiterated that it was important for the kids to have their dad in their lives. She said if he disappeared all together that would be more traumatic than what we are experiencing now.