My response to the fourth wife 9/6/2007

K, I probably do seem like a fragile egg to you. You are correct. I am not used to this sort of environment. I t is not an environment I would like to continue in, or that I would like my children to be around. I was not raised around cursing or yelling. I did not hide under my bed or have the police come to my house. I was never afraid of my father or grandfather. My dad was home every night for dinner. He never stayed out all night – even when he was single. He never spoke ill of my mother or had an argument in front of me. I have never seen my dad drunk. These are the values that he instilled me with. I respected everyone in my family, and they respected me. I have never in my life heard my father or grandfather curse, and neither of them has ever raised my voice at me. No one put me down or belittled me. My dad has never been anything but proud of me and completely in love with me just the way I am – and vice versa. If you think, as you say, that I have a moral high tone, you are correct in that regard. This is how I believe the correct way to live with children is. And I don’t need advice from the H’s about anything in this regard – as I already told you, so please do not give it to me again. Obviously we are all angry. I understand that you love your husband. I love J and J too. I don’t normally find the need to send out harsh emails, but it seems like in the H’s family I get steamrolled over if I don’t stand up for myself. The difference between the first email and the second for me was the intent. I did think J was trying to help the first time. But then you two came over on the day of my grandfather’s funeral to “help” and all J wanted to do was look at my computer. Then he became fixated on our American Express card and our exchange student. At the funeral, J didn’t even speak to my grandmother, the widow. The way I was raised, this was a slap in the face to all of us, let alone the part about J missing the entire service. I agree that was terrible, but it was worse that J caused a scene there. My family is quiet. We don’t do drama like you all do. There was no need to go off on either of us (again) about the American Express card of the exchange student at the service. The 2nd and 3rd emails set me off because I am sick of having my boundaries crossed. I already told you both that the exchange student was a done deal. Leave it alone. It was upsetting to me to have a sacred service upset because of more H’s drama. I can’t tell you have many comments and complaints I had about this form friends and family after the service. What a total disregard for my grandfathers’ memory. This is the complete opposite of how he lived his life and is probably what upsets me more than anything else right now. That day should have been for my grandfather and my grandmother. I don’t care if you think we are fragile eggs or not – this is who we are. And I am very, very proud of my family. As far as any financial help, I haven’t asked for any and I don’t want any. J and J have their own deal, which I do not agree with. I have been asking J and J for the terms and payoff on my suburban for months. If you think that any of that gives you the right to tell me how to live my life, you are mistaken. I was fine before I met J, and I will be fine with or without any of you.

Here’s the deal: you need to be out of my marriage.

J’s demands on J – the long hours, never-ending phone calls and meetings, coming home late – are hurting our marriage, our family, and J’s relationship with his children. I don’t watch Dr. Phil very often, but I’m pretty sure he would frown upon reading your children’s email and getting into their financial accounts. I know what my counselor has told me, and I know what J’s counselor has told J and me. He told us J is taking his anger at J. out on me. That doesn’t seem fair to me. I also know that he has told J and J repeatedly that they need to stop working together and that J needs to go to Al-Anon. I don’t know why J and J bother to go see the counselor if they don’t listen to what he says.

My letter to J was not mean-spirited – it was a letter to set some boundaries. I was offended at J’s efforts to “define” our priorities for us – he has no right to determine what’s right in someone else’s marriage. For example – the exchange student. The decision (and commitment) was made long ago and frankly, it is no one else’s business. It is not the exchange student or the credit card that’s hurting my marriage – its J’s control over J and his unwillingness to let J go. You raise your children when they are children. J is a grown man now. It is too late to try to raise him or control him. J didn’t get the foundation he needed when he was young and that is REALLY hurting us now – but he is not going to be able to get that foundation from J NOW and that is painfully obvious.

J’s unwillingness to let J “go” is not only hurting J’s confidence, but is destroying my marriage. Our problems do not stem from a need for advice, they stem from J’s unwillingingness to let J go. J needs to become his own “man” – he needs to find his own success or failure – and whatever the outcome, he will learn from the experience and be better for it. By now allowing J to fail, J is also preventing him from succeeding. I understand that J needs to maintain a relationship with J (and vice versa) but some boundaries must be set.

J has an “obligation” to be a husband and father – and this isn’t just “supporting” his family monetarily, it’s spending time with me, with the kids, and having a home life. J has no home life. You need to give J the freedom (and time) to be a husband and father!

Please understand, I am not trying to be vindictive or mean. I am trying things my way now with my family. I tried things your way and I feel they only made the situation worse. Please refrain from giving us relationship advice, parenting advice, or lifestyle advice unless it is requested.

Love,
S


Ps You are probably tired of Kahlil Gibran, but I read this poem often about children and I thought about it as I was finishing up this email to you.


Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.



Note from Sula – my mom actually helped me draft this letter, so I want to give her credit for at least half of it! She had many valuable perspectives that she crafted really well in my opinion.