Heavy Heart

So many things are heavy on my mind this morning. I feel very down.

I'm wondering if we should try to sell the house or if staying here for a bit would be better for the kids. I have been wanting to move for a while but the market has been so bad. Thank God we didn't buy one of the gigantic houses we were looking at several years back. None of our offers went through for one reason or another. Now I am so thankful. Things could be a lot worse.

My son is angry and upset. I asked him questions about what he thought at dinner last night and he said, I think he's not treating us like a good daddy.

Then he asked if we could get a cat now since Daddy is gone. (My husband is “allergic” to cats and can’t stand them.)

My daughter is ultra-emotional and is having stomach pains.

I feel almost too exhausted to deal with their emotional needs this morning, but I managed to stay calm and take care of them. I have a babysitter from 10-4, so that will give me a little time to collect my thoughts and stay strong for them.

It seemed like we were getting close to being out of our bad financial situation but now I wonder what will happen again.

My husband swears he isn't drinking again. He says he didn't want to have to deal with me so he slept at the condo. (He and his dad have a small condo on the lake down the street, where my husband lived the nine months we were separated and visits frequently.)

The sad part is so much of me wants to believe him even though I know in my gut he is lying. Who just doesn't come home to their family? I can't fathom it. My mom said that my step dad used to be AWOL a lot. Which I sorta remember. I remember her waiting for him a lot. And not understanding why. I was so angry at him. And angry at her for doing it.

I feel like a failure. This is my second marriage. I think that's one reason I tried so hard even when it was so clear it could never work out.

I wonder what we will do for money. If my husband is drinking, he has never been one that could keep a job. Our expenses are so high - higher than what I have ever made on my own, even when I was making good money.

I just feel defeated and alone.