Vent

I wonder if J and his parents ever wonder what would happen to these kids if I were not here to do everything. If I were also a drunk, drug addict. If I belittled them like their family belittles everyone else, including their own children.

I doubt it.

I deserve a whole lot better than I've got from all of them. A whole lot more respect. I definitely shouldn't have to pester J for money to pay our bills every month. When did that become my responsibility anyway? Just because I'm scared J wouldn't do it or would be late with everything? Maybe he should just do it. One less thing off me. I have enough on my plate. What does he have besides AA meetings and now another 90 days of rehab - where every time I call him he seems to be going out to dinner with his friend? When do I go out? When do I get a break?

Even if I were a drunk, would I leave these kids for 90 days to stop? No, you couldn't pull me from these kids for anything. I can't fathom it. I can't fathom why his drugs and drink and now friends (again) are so much more important than us.

I am tired. I thought I had serenity but every time something like this comes up again, all the resentment comes back and I wonder what I'm doing in this marriage - and especially in this family. After reading and examining so much, I finally know how I got here, but I'm not sure some days I want to stay here, even when I realize what a divorce would do to my kids. I'm tired of making all the sacrifices. I'm tired of being alone.