Email to both in-laws Fri 8/17/2007

I think J. is using again. That is the only thing that makes sense to me after these last few months.

He still hasn’t told the truth about the hotel or much of anything else.

He didn’t come home again last night.

He was supposed to be home at 6:30 but then it was just one excuse after another and he disappeared altogether at 8pm.

While I agreed with your previous email, I think there are much bigger issues here and unfortunately I am just out of steam. I have given J ample opportunities to be honest. He just WILL NOT do it.

I believe honesty is the foundation of all things. Without it, I really can’t see any sort of life with J. I think that I have sadly wanted to believe a lie or a portion of gray for a long time. I thought he would move closer to the truth because I loved him and I hoped for the best.

I can’t call and email you 24 hours a day. I feel isolated from my family because they would be horrified by J’s actions and he would not longer be a welcome member of our family. I don’t think I should have to feel this way anymore so once the dust settles from my grandpa’s funeral today I’m going to have an honest discussion about what has really been going on. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I need my family.

J didn’t see his counselor this week. I don’t know what he’s doing with his sponsor. Whatever it is, it’s not enough.

I can’t raise my kids like this. He has been increasingly verbally abusive and has been yelling and screaming a lot lately. J told me a few days ago he was scared of him. I think I should have cut this off weeks ago in retrospect when I told you I was filing for divorce because it has only really escalated. I can’t just have an open door policy here where daddy sometimes shows up and sometimes doesn’t. This is really terrible for all of us.

I don’t know what would ever happen if there were an emergency here. Or if I got sick. My doctor thought I was having a miscarriage a few weeks ago and told me I needed to come in. I was very upset and called J but he was golfing and I couldn’t reach him. Later I was upset that he hadn’t been there for me and he told me to “get off the cross because someone needed the wood.” And a few days later that I had probably “stated it” for when he was golfing so that he “couldn’t help me then.” This is my life with J.

Something is really wrong here. I just don’t know what to do but I know in my heart that staying with J is wrong for all of us. The kids and I deserve a whole lot better.

Love,
S