Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I can't understand

I am trying to get everything sorted out so I can feel a little better.

My husband is constantly calling and texting me, wanting to come home and work things out. I remember last time, my counselor told me to cut him off. She said his calls/texts are poison. I think she was right. It’s impossible for me to think with him always on my back. I keep telling him to give me space, but he doesn’t seem to be able to. He seems panicked.

He keeps reminding me that he has to sleep on the couch at the condo and that he doesn’t have an office there so it’s harder for him to work. I get all that, but I keep reminding him that he made the choice not to come home.

He still denies any drinking but all the signs are there. And I keep thinking that last time, he denied it to the hilt, even when it was obvious and he smelled of booze.

It’s still hard for me to understand why or how he could continually pull his life together, and then let it all go – again and again and again.

He was supposed to get on ADD medication yesterday but I asked him about it and he said he was sick so he didn’t go. I’m sick too, but I still had to get up, get the kids ready for school, and go to work.

I don’t get it. There’s always an excuse with him.

Last night, he came more than an hour late to see the kids. He said he wasn’t finished working. I always have to finish my work to make sure the kids are picked up on time or taken to whatever activity they need to get to.

The kids were all wound up and needed to get to bed on time because they are sick too. Then he acts like I’m the bad guy for asking him to leave. I kept reminding him that he had picked the time slots to visit in, and that he was the one who had come late.

It seems like he just picks fights with me all the time. I’m tired of arguing. I hate to argue. I keep saying the same things over and over. It’s like he can’t hear me. What’s the point of going over everything again, several times a day?

I’m worried about the summer. I have no child care lined up for the kids. My mom has offered to take them some extra times, so that should help. I think if our finances weren’t such a mess all of this would be a lot easier.

I also just want my kids to have a good summer. Being a kid is so magical – especially in summer time. I really want them to have fun and not worry about anything. My son offered me to give me some of his money the other day. It made me feel really terrible.

I can’t understand how someone with so many resources could squander them so much. I guess there are just a lot of things I will never understand.

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