The Big Ugly Word

I have thinking about and contemplated divorce almost nonstop. What would it mean for me? What would it mean for my children?

I had a great talk with an old friend the other night about marriage. What we as women give up of ourselves within a marriage. It's not just my marriage - that's an extreme. But I think for the most part women give up so much to take care of our men, our families and our children. We sacrifice ourselves to take care of everyone else. A man wouldn't put up with half the things a woman will. A man would walk out.

As women we weigh our choices so carefully. We think about our children. Guilt consumes us. Even when we are not guilty. Of anything.

I have come to realize that there can be no joy in a marriage without equality. There can be no attraction, no sexual fulfillment - none of the things that make a relationship really great. If you are dependent on a man for money, if only for a short time to raise young children, there can be no realistic or true love for that man. It becomes a sort of slavery or prostitution.

Now if you have a contract or a solid understanding before hand – that you both abide by - and you are still able to retain equality in your relationship somehow, that's possible. I have seen it in Muslim families. But not so much in American relationships. The woman usually ends up with the short end of the stick.

The woman always ends up sacrificing so much in the West, I think, because we place so much value on money and consumerism. If you’re not earning, you’re not worth as much.

If you are constantly taking care of someone like I have been with my husband there can be no intimacy. It's just resentment that builds up.

I wanted to adopt children in need. Not take care of a grown man who was stunted by his own parents. I am tired of taking care of him. Who is taking care of me?

I think mostly what I want to divorce is my husband’s family and all they represent. For some time, I have wanted to get rid of their name. It dies not represent me or my values. I feel like I need to wash myself clean of it. I need to wash myself clean of them.

A few months ago my father-in-law came for dinner. My daughter was wearing an Obama t-shirt. He asked my children, don't you think he looks like a monkey?

My son looked puzzled. No?

Well, I think he looks like a monkey. My father-in-law stated, matter-of-factly.

The other day when I was on my date with my son, he turned to a ball game on TV and said, I hope the white people win. I asked him to clarify and we had an interesting discussion. It’s not the first time that he has made comments that bother me about people of color. I reminded him that all people are equal in our religion and that it was not OK to say things like that.

I can help thinking this is my husband’s family. He certainly didn't get it from me. Or my family.

There are no values I admire in them. My father-in-law is good at making and holding on to money. Beyond that, what is there?

The primary people I want to divorce are my in-laws. It seems there is no getting away from them. I feel them breathing down my neck even when they are not physically here. Sometimes it seems like he inhabits my husband’s body, his very thoughts and actions. I have put down boundaries - again and again and again. They just do not respect them.

His control is total and destructive.

I feel like if my husband would walk away from them and their money, perhaps he could heal and be the good man I see deep inside him. But I feel he will never do that because of the money. If there were no money he could walk and he wouldn't put up with all of this. Because lets be clear, my in-laws are not nice to my husband either.

If I were still financially independent and my children were older I would have walked away sooner too. I could have. I feel I must weigh my choices carefully. What is more important, my independence or their happiness? I believe children need someone there to take care of them when they are young. And I have enjoyed being that person immensely.

I am now enslaved too. The difference is that I know I can take care of myself. I have done it before. I just have to get it all figured out so that my children will not suffer the long hours I used to keep.

My husband has never taken care of himself. His dad has always bailed him out.

We just keep hitting the same wall over and over and over again. So the only conclusion I seem to come to is that we need to divorce.

But divorce seems like such a big, ugly word.