Cancer

I am very down today. Hard day at work. Hard day emotionally.

My grandma had a large tumor in her kidney a few months ago. They removed it and it seemed that everything was fine.

Now she has lung cancer. And it doesn’t sound good.

Cancer is prevalent in my family. Both grandparents on the other side of my family had it. It killed my grandpa. It just killed my great uncle. My dad had prostate cancer several years ago.

I just got off the phone with my grandma. I feel very sad for her. She was a very healthy woman and it just doesn’t seem like this should be it for her.

I’ve always felt like cancer hits those with a big heart. My grandma was married to my alcoholic grandpa for 36 years before he died. There was a lot of sucking things in.

My grandma is not a complainer. I can not imagine the things she endured. I can not imagine having 5 kids with my grandpa. He was mostly kind to me, but not always so with her.

I feel so conflicted about my own life. My heart is so heavy and filled with sorrow.

My husband told me he was willing to cut off ties with his dad if it meant it would save our marriage. I can’t imagine him really doing that, but the words were powerful to me.

I feel like his dad is a cancer that is eating us both us. I feel like he will destroy us both, and still not give a damn.

I feel so drawn to the nuclear, perfect family. Maybe because I never had it growing up. Both my parents have been married 3 times. The second spouse of both my parents were completely destructive forces in my life. I have never wanted step-parents for my own children. I can not imagine ever doing that to them.

I think both my parents wanted to provide a good home for me and thought that another parent would help them do that. But I think the step parents I endured were actually worse than the divorce itself. Especially my step dad.

As I contemplate a divorce, I weigh this carefully. I can’t imagine ever wanting to re-marry. But I have no control over what my husband will do. My heart aches for my children.

I also think about my own divorce. It was extremely painful to me. It still is. I have tried to heal those holes in my heart, but they are still there. And now, they only feel bigger and more alive.