Back and Forth

I texted my father-in-law the night my husband did not come home. I told him that his son was AWOL again.

Shortly after, I got a call from my husband, saying he was in a meeting and he would be home later. (Around 9:30pm) I told him that was BS and that the kids had cried themselves to sleep.

He told me that they cried themselves to sleep because of me.

I said, No, they cried because you didn’t come home, you didn’t call, and you didn’t respond to their text messages.

We went back and forth til about 11, every 15 minutes or so. He eneded with, “I’m glad that you're so sure that everthing you do is correct and everything I do is wrong.”

I said, “Its not hard to come to that conclusion when you’re actions are as such.”

I texted my father-in-law again and said, “Whether you want to admit it or not, or respond to me, J’s actions clearly indicate he is drinking again. He has yet to come home. I have an MBA and have friends that are successful and work a lot. No one has meetings at 11pm….His actions at home have been abusive and scary. I have told him as much. Whatever his home life was growing up, he seems to have picked that up very well….
The kids don’t deserve this shitty life.
Niether do I.”

My father-in-law did not respond to me. He simply sent me an email in the am, about my daughter’s birthday party next week.

“We will be there.
Thanks,
J “

I responded with, Not sure we will me having a party at this point.

So he emailed me back and said,

"I hope that you both can put aside problems and ave a nice birthday for H. You should both try your best to shield J and H from any signs of difficulties that might make they believe that you’re having problems. You are the adults; please control what the kids see and hear.
They (all children) will believe that they are somehow the cause and will feel responsible for your strife.
Hope to see you the 16th…….
J"

I have written a response, but I am not sure that I will send it. When I have done so in the past, it only spirals into a back and forth between us that is never resolved.

I find it completely insulting and inappropriate that he should ever give me any parenting advice. I have never in my life seen a worse parent than he is. I have told him as much.

Here is what I wrote (unsent).


J-

The counselor is dealing with this very well. You are not here and clearly do not have much of an idea about what is going on.

You can't pretend nothing is wrong when their father does not come home all night long. They asked immediately where their dad was and if he was drinking again. Per the counselors advice, I am not going to lie to them.

J texted his dad numerous times. J did not respond. My sister was there with us. I think my family has a better gage of what is going on.

J started screaming at me in front of J yesterday, ending with, “I don’t even want you to look at me anymore!” J asked him point blank, "Why did you say that to mommy?" He has told his counselor numerous times that he is scared of his dad. All of Js actions have been well documented over the years.

This is a repeated pattern of Js. Perhaps it's not a big deal to stay out all night in your family but it seems to be a troublesome and telling pattern for everyone else.

It is only you and J and your distorted viewpoint from whatever home values you raised him with that are telling me anything that *I* need to do anything different.

I have told J and H repeatedly that this not their fault. The counselor says it is primarily when you are not honest with children that they take blame.

I also told J that he needs to sit down with the kids and tell them that yelling and not coming home all night are not normal or acceptable behaviors. Someday J and H will have famlies of their own and I don't want them to continue this pattern.

H will have a small birthday party. But I am not having everyone over as planned.

S

In any case, I don't think it is helpful to involve my father-in-law. He seems to have more control over my husband because of his money, but it's not worth getting any shit from him. Especially parenting advice. Nothing grates on my nerves more from him.

And I really don't want to see him at the birthday party. He ruins everything.