Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Rage and Sadness

I feel nothing but pure rage this morning.

My husband is not providing for us. He has not been. He gives me little bits of money here and there, but not enough - and not what he commited to.

Probably another sign that he is using again.

There is not enough money to pay the bills, even with me being back at work.

I am tired of asking him.

I want to file for divorce, but I don't even have the money now to pay for basic expenses, so that will have to stay on the back burner.

Now his excuse is that he has to pay for 2 sets of expenses, so he can't give us the money he has promised.

I know damned well that his dad has never charged him to stay in that condo. So he is really full of it. There may be a few additional expenses, but not many.

I confronted him on that and he said he was done arguing. I said, that's because It's true and you have nothing to say!

I always thought that a promise was a promise and when I gave my word I did everything in my power to keep it. Now I'm seeing that when you are married to an addict who has no concept of reality or truth that sometimes keeping your promises and commitments is impossible.

I have already pared down our expenses numerous times. I am going to have to sit down and do it again. I feel so trapped. I know I am capable of making good money, but I don't want to do it at the expense of my children.

I don't know what I can count on from my husband anymore, if anything. If I were to file for divorce I could at least get a judgment for child support against him. But if he doesn't pay it, he doesn't pay it, and then I'm still stuck.

I don't think we can sell our house in this market. We have tried on and off for years. The lady next door has had her home listed for more than a year. Same with the guy around the corner.

I allowed myself to cry the few blocks in between my kids school and my office and that was a mistake because now I just can't stop crying and I need to work but I can't keep pushing everything back inside me.

All the way to school, I was quiet, which isn't like me. But I knew if I opened my mouth that I couldn't stop the words from coming out, which would damn their father. Just so I just kept my mouth shut.

I was telling my dad's wife the other day that I always wondered why my dad was so quiet growing up, and now I know. He was miserable with my step mom (his 2nd wife). And I never heard him say a rotten thing about her or anyone else, including my mother.

I remember someone saying that if you speak ill against a children's parent, you are criticizing their own DNA. And it is painful. I remember my step mom called my mother a whore once (which wasn't remotely true as I came to find out later). It affected me in a way that I will never forget.

I have been so upset that my husband and my father-in-law have treated me so poorly all these years and I am come to realize that I need to value myself more and not worry about what those motherfuckers think. Because they are not even human beings. They are a whole different bread of people, if you can even call them people.

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