Monday, May 25, 2009

The Bed

I've been sitting here reflecting on our evening last night.

It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't good either.

I found myself wondering whether my husband would show up around 3:30, when I hadn't heard from him for a while. We did, and that was alright, but I have that feeling of dread around him again, like we just can't count on him.

When he did arrive, about half an hour late, as usual, we went to dinner at a family Italian restaurant down the street. They know our family well there and its always nice and comforting to go someplace like that.

Dinner was fine. I found myself getting aggravated at the movies however. My husband has this way of trying to slide under the radar and get away with things. Our daughter just turned 3 and she looks like she's 4. He only bought 1 child ticket, for our son. My husband and his family always say I'm judgemental, and perhaps I am. But I think you should be honest even in the small things - and even more diligent with children watching.

I don't understand wanting to cheat people. He doesn't look at it that way, but I do. But its a major difference between us and something that I don't think we can ever come to terms with. It seems to me that if you aren't honest with the smallest matters, you can't be trusted in the big ones. That certainly seems to be the case with my husband.

I asked him about it and he said he didn't know. Well, in my mind, if you don't know, you ask!

Then he said he forgot she was 3 now. Well, that makes since since you skipped her birthday!

Once in the theatre, my daughter got a little restless towards the end. We had got them some popcorn and at one point he yanked it really roughly from her hands, out of annoyance. That's another big difference between us. I try to never act in anger towards the children. I certainly never yank anything the way he did, right out of her hands. Later, he said she was pouring popcorn over someones head, but I never saw that. It also seems that if she had done that, the person in front of us would have turned around, maybe said something, or at least given us a dirty look. But there was nothing.

The ride home was silent for the most part. My husband does this thing my mother used to do when I was a child that drives me nuts. He lets out huge, irritated sighs. Thankfully my mom doesn't do that anymore - but now my husband does. My thought is, either say what is on your mind or just keep quiet. It really grates on my nerves.

I noticed this morning that there is a peace around the house when it is just me and my kids. My husband has a lot of negative energy that he carries around with him. My father-in-law has that same vibe but around 10 times stronger. I really want to protect my children from this. But I also know they need and want to see their dad. I don't know what the solution is. I don't want them around their dad alone. I can't be sure he is not drinking. But I also don't like to be around him. It brings me down.

I also noticed that he doesn't seem so upset about missing his family. What I hear him saying at least 10 times a day is that it is so hard for him not to sleep in a bed. He is always complaining about not having a bed or an office at the condo and how hard his life is over there. Every once in a while he says he misses us, but the bed is mostly what he talks about.

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