Thursday, May 28, 2009

Why We Don't Count

I’ve come to a new conclusion this morning about why my in-laws don’t care about my husband’s behavior towards me and the kids. It has been puzzling me for some time. I would be outraged if my son did these things to his family.

It doesn’t matter because I don’t come from a rich family.

If my parents were playing golf at their club and talking about this with their rich friends – people that my in-laws value because they have money – my in-laws would be embarrassed. And then my husband’s behavior would have to be stopped. And I know my father-in-law has the power to intervene because he has before. He shuts off the fountain. And it is very effective.

I once told my father-in-law that I had no power over my husband and that I was giving up on him. I told him he had all the power because he had all the money and the kids and I meant nothing to him. That’s how my husband was bred.

The next day, complete turn around.

My in-laws are safe because my family and most of my friends lie squarely in the middle class. So we can rot slowly in hell and it won’t affect them in the least bit. We are invisible. We are worthless. To them.

Now I know why my husband has such a hissy-fit whenever I post some of my true feelings and statements about what is really happening on our family blog. Someone who matters might read it.

Many years ago I started printing our family blog address on our Christmas cards every year, so people could keep up with us if they wanted to. Many of my family and friends that live out of town check the site regularly. I never thought about anyone on my husband’s side doing it. His friends and family all seem so self-absorbed. My husband doesn’t have a lot of middle class friends. It seems he only is interested in a friendship if it can get him something. I think I was only interesting to him when we met because I am beautiful and because I was making good money at the time. Money that carried our family through until my son was about one and I couldn’t keep up anymore.

I have often commented to my husband that his friends only call when they need something. When he is deep in his relapses or we need help with something, no one ever seems to be around – other than to drink with him, and let him make a fool out of himself.

I have several male friends who have tried very hard to reach out to my husband. Compassionate, educated, interesting men. Some of the best friends I have known. But my husband is never interested. Not that he would tell them that. He is always cordial enough and can put on a good show for anyone. But at home, he doesn’t care about these men. And I’ve always felt it was because they didn’t come from money, or didn’t have enough of their own for his standards.

Part of me feels very sickened this morning and part of me feels relieved. It’s nothing personal; we just don’t come from money. I think I finally get it.

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