Friday, May 22, 2009

Finding Peace

I found a passage I wrote last year, and once again, it struck me how things are still the same.

There are so many things I want to do with my life, but I seem forever paralyzed. Do I need to just take a step of faith and leave this marriage? I feel so dead inside. I have put up with so much and it’s not me. The only way is to feel nothing. And other times I feel so much it is unbearable. The alcoholic has become all-consuming. Yesterday, I shut him out and he became irrelevant to me. I had a good day. But I still had to come home to the kids and the reality of my life, which is him coming home today. He tried to say that my happiness is so important to me but he doesn't get the same. Insanity. My happiness has never mattered to him. It only matters to me now because I have become conscious of it. Because I am demanding it, and grabbing it.

My husband is out of town on work now, and the house feels quiet and peaceful. Perhaps because I know he is far away, or perhaps because he is too busy to call and text as often. When he does, he is nice. The kids seem like they are adjusting to this arrangement now too.

It has been 2 weeks since my husband has been at the condo.

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