Nana

My kids have been spending a lot of time (comparatively) with my husband's dad and wife. I am not happy about it, but there is nothing I can do.

One thing that grates on my nerves though as that the Fourth Wife insists on the kids calling her Nana.

My kids have a Nana. She is my grandma, the woman who has been in my life since the day I was born and actually is a grandma to both me and my children.

The Fourth Wife has only been available for photo opps. She is no blood relation and the kids have no relationship with her. She has never fostered a relationship with them. She never even offered to babysit. She never did jack shit.

So why she wants to be called Nana is beside me.

I'm all for having many loving people in my kids life. And they call many non-blood family by endearing names, like Auntie or Uncle. But these are people who they want to have a relationship with. They are people that the kids love, who spend time with them and nurture and love them back.

My kids came home last week with this Nana name and I told them, her name is K. That's all I said.

My husband blew up when he found out. What for? I suppose there is money in this new relationship for him.

I can't stop the kids from seeing these people, but I will not foster any sort of a relationship on my end. Those people are nothing but trouble. And their entitlement never ends.

Fucked

I am in a foul mood today. Really foul.

I just met with my husband and the bankruptcy attorney. I realize that this is the only logical step at this point, but I am just pissed off that I am in this position.

I have always been responsible with money. I have been a good wife and a good mother, while my husband was off cheating on me, blowing money and snorting cocaine and God knows what else. He risked our lives. He fucked our finances.

And I feel like his family should have stepped in and helped us. They raised him to be this way. They created this mess that I now live in. But do they do anything? No. They play golf and tennis. They sit there on their butts and make judgements about me.

They have no problem enabling his lifestyle. They have no problem paying for endless rehabs. But when it comes to the education they promised my children, or anything else, nothing.

I feel like their priorities are fucked. They are fucked.

Most of my days now are good. I have felt so happy and so free. I try not to dwell on any of this. But today, I am angry.

I know I can't (or shouldn't) expect a damned thing from my husband's parents. But I do. I would never leave my daughter-in-law in this position. I would never treat someone the way that I have been treated. All I can do now is try to erase them from my life and move on.

Someday, my children will know exactly who they are - and they will not be able to buy themselves out of that.

I am going to fix some lunch and do my Kundalini Yoga. I don't want to feel like this all day.

Grandparents

I don't have any desire for my kids to be around my husband's family. If I, as a grown woman, have anxiety about being around them, how can my young children be expected to be around them?

For me, it goes back to what my son's counselor said a long time ago. "The way that they have treated both you and your husband is not a good indicator of how they will treat your children, even without the other examples you gave me of their behavior around the children."

I guess what is really bothering me is WHY my husband is pushing for this so hard.

In his own words, they have not even asked to see the kids while they are here this week. Prior to the blow up between me and my in-laws, they didn't see the kids more than 3-4 times a year. They are not like my parents, who see the kids weekly (or nearly daily in my mom's case).

So when I go back over our argument the other day, I can't understand why things escalated to that point when his parents had not even requested to see the kids. It was my husband that wanted them to see the kids. They did not ask to.

When I ask my kids if they would like to see them, 9 times out of 10, they say no.

What is it going to take for my husband to realize who they are? Do they have to physically abuse or hurt the kids first? Or will there still be money dangling out in front of him even then?

Forgive, but don't Forget

I have been sitting here thinking for a long time.

It's getting to be crunch-time for my marriage. We are supposed to see a judge next week. Not sure what will come of that.

I am still very nervous about going to the funeral on Saturday. I spoke to my former husband's wife about it today and she told me to hold my head up high and be proud. I have done nothing wrong.

That said, I still have a lot of angst about being around my husband's family.

I was sitting here trying to think of why it is so hard for me to forgive my father-in-law. With most people, I can see two sides of the story. I have many long-term friendships and relationships, which have had their ups and downs and forgiveness over the years.

But I think what gets me with my father-in-law is that I have forgiven him before, and then he turns around and does the same thing. The only thing I associate to him now is abuse and pain.

I remember one of the Tyler Perry movies, I think Madea's Family Reunion, where Madea tells her granddaughter, "Forgive, but don't forget. Remember, so it doesn't happen to you again."

I wish I could let go of everything, but I guess when it comes down to it, I am afraid to.

I don't have any hopes that he will ever change.

I've run into people like that before, and I have let them go. And the forgiveness has come with time, as I have not had to constantly rub up against them.

But it seems no matter which way my marriage goes, I will always have some tie to my father-in-law. While I can try to minimize it as much as possible, it will never go away completely.

Ultrasound

I'm headed into the clinic to get the ultrasound. I didn't sleep great, but I did get a few solid hours in there, so I am happy for that. I don't do well without sleep - never have.

I was glad to have my mom here last night in case anything happened. My mom is worried that I will have to have surgery and we talked about the plans last night at length just in case.

I am really hoping that this is just stress.

I can't really see how I will manage a hospital stay with my kids and job.

Either way, I have said this many times - all of this is TOO MUCH for one person. It would be one thing if it were just me and the kids and my husband had not ruined our finances. I think I could manage. I did when my son was a baby. Two young children at different schools is more challenging, but it can be done.

Dealing with alcoholic behavior is too much for me to deal with on top of everything else. The stress for me is overwhelming. He is verbally abusive and I can not depend on him, financially or otherwise.

All this time I have been thinking that I could convince my husband and his family somehow that I do have worth. But I will never have worth to them. If their own blood does not have value, how can I expect to?

I am fortunate to have my family and wonderful friends - and I know that my worth comes from me. But somehow knowing that made it more maddening when I did not feel the respect and love from them.

It was really good for me to see my friend the other day. She has not seen me since we were both pregnant with our sons. She had spent a lot of time with me before that, but with young children and living in different parts of town, we lost touch. I was almost embarrassed to tell her about my life now. She knew me when...

For her it was simple. "He is an idiot. He does not deserve you. Do you have any idea what an amazing woman you are? Divorce him! He is never going to get it."

Aunt's Memorial

My husband's family has been trying to figure out what to do about his Aunt's memorial.

The first idea was that we would all take a weekend trip to the beach together.

This sounded completely insane to me. First of all, no one was getting along when my father-in-law was in a completely different state. I did not think that putting him together with his brother, who still drinks, was a good idea.

I also am not excited to see anyone. I have not seen my father-in-law for a nearly a year. I have not seen his wife in 2-and-a-half years.

I've decided to just suck it up for the service. I had thought about not going, but I don't think I would feel good about that.

It sounds like we will just take a day trip down to a river and spread her ashes. And they will have the memorial service at my in-law's country club. I am sadened by that, as I believe life is sacred, but that is not my decision.

I am hoping everyone can be on their best behavior. I'm not in a good spot to be provoked right now, and I'm not sure how much tongue biting I can do.

But I will try my best.

Death in the Family

My husbands aunt just died. We are not sure when exactly as she was alone. One of her friends came to her house and found her dead. She called the police, who called my father-in-law.

I feel very sad that she died alone. That would never happen in my family. Before my grandpa died we were all there nonstop for the last 6 weeks. He had visitors from all over the country. People from church were there. It was tiring but rewarding. I can't imagine it any other way.

I last talked to her on Christmas morning. We called her and woke her up. She had been sleeping a lot and wasn't sure she would make dinner at our house. My last words to her were we love you.

I feel satisfied with that. I did what I could on my end and was always kind to her. She was one of the only people on his dad side that was ever nice to me. And I have always appreciated that about her.

Towards the end it got ugly. She was coming to our house because she was fighting with her other brother about money and her will. Her niece was acting strangely towards all of us. She usually went over there every year for Christmas, but she did not go this year because of the argument.

I told her several times that what she did with her will was her business and no one else should have a say in it. I find it very sad that her last 6 months were filled with so much fighting.

What for?

I had my son call my father-in-law to give him his condolences. I still don't want to talk to him and don't like how he has treated me, but I can't imagine how I would feel if one of my sisters died.

When he called back he made some smart remark to my son about how she was his aunt too and that he probably didn't get to see her very often (because of me). I always keep him on speaker because I never trust him to be on good behavior. I held my tongue.

What he said was not true. I have invited his aunt here many times. She doesn't show most of the time. I have done what I could do given my situation. I wish I could have done more, but I couldn't. My kids always come first. There are numerous people in his family that don't work that could have been there with her. But their priorities are golf, tennis and money. Not family.

Nevertheless I hope that she finds peace now. I hope they all do. This family has been fighting over money for far too long. It's time to realize that money means nothing.

As I always tell my kids, it's only paper. People are our treasures.

Rest in peace Aunt J.

Overnight

We left late afternoon yesterday for the home of my ex-husband. H. is in Africa on business, so we have been spending more time with his family. His children are very similar ages to my children - his youngest and my youngest are only 3 weeks apart, so we were pregnant at the same time together. They are the closest thing to cousins my children have.

His wife is like a sister to me and their children like nephews. I am so fortunate to have them in my lives, which is becoming increasingly hard for my husband and his family to understand.

My husband now thinks that I want my ex-husband back, which could not be further than the truth.

Yes, I will always love H. Deeply. But he is more like a brother to me, and his wife a sister. I have regrets over my own stupidity during our relationship, but I don't have regrets over the friendship I share with him and his family now. Everything is as it should be.

We stayed up late and talked like teenage girls. It was just what I need right now. This is the 4th overnight I have spent with either my sister or friends during break. I realized last night how much I love to have other people around me. I have been so alone and isolated. It has felt so good to hold my girlfriends close to me, instead of having to leave for one reason or another.

It amazes me that H. came here to US with no money and not speaking English. (He speaks Arabic and French). When I met him, he worked at Dunkin Donuts full-time (we actually met there) and worked two other menial jobs. He never took any money from his family - everything he has is from his own two hands.

He started college and several businesses while we were married. While he is not "rich", I'd consider him a complete success. His wife and children want for nothing.

It amazes me that my in-laws look down on Arabs and "poor" people and yet they have no problem with the condition of the lives of their own grandchildren. It's not how much you have, it is how you provide for your family.

I wonder if they know that it was H and his wife that would loan me money when my husband did not provide - while they were out golfing and playing tennis without worries and I was there working 60 hours a week and taking care of a newborn. I wonder if they know how many times H and his wife came to help me in the middle of the night, when I was sobbing. That is no life for a child. I think that without them, many times, I would have completely lost hope.

The way my in-laws and my husband have treated me is inhumane. But my ex-husband, his family, his wife and her entire family have all taken me in and loved me. Her sisters have offered to help, her family supports my business, and they both give me constant encouragement and love. That is family.

Sometimes I think coming from a rich family (especially if it is dysfunctional and addicted) is much more of a hindrance than coming from nothing. When you do it on your own, you appreciate it. And, you don't take your family for granted.

Preferences

Apparently my in laws are upset by a recent blog post to our family blog about my former in-laws. They told my husband that I seem to like this other family better than them.

Well duh!

Who wouldn't prefer kindness to dry drunks?

Who prefers cheap Indian-givers to generous people who would give anything or do anything for their family?

Who prefers being called poor and stupid to being loved and cherished?

Everything is always about them. Maybe they should realize that aside from their money, they have nothing to offer anyone. If they want people to truly "like" them, they should treat people decently.

Of course I prefer people who have never even tasted alcohol to people who drank away my husbands childhood.

When you are sober you can actually raise 7 amazing children very well, even in a war zone. It's not that hard. Just stay present and put the fucking bottle down.

My former in-laws had their house destroyed, faced constant death, had their son shot at in his school...I could go on and on. They had actual problems that they overcame - and managed to still be amazingly nice people.

(And, no, I do not consider having a lush life in the US and drinking too much to be an actual problem. It causes problems for other people. Addiction it is a chosen problem which the addict can change.)

I have thought through this and none of my former husband's family has ever had a problem with addiction. Not his parents, his 6 brothers and sisters, their children, aunts and uncles... You could go on and on. For the most part, no one has ever even tried alcohol. So this is a shout out to Muslim families. Complete abstinence works. And if you have a strong family it is possible that none of your seven children will be addicts of any sort. (Even after suffering immense hardships that would be hard to fathom in this country.)

Within days of arriving to Lebanon, H's grandma sat me on her lap and told me I love you just as much as I love H. You are now a daughter to me. All of his family treated me that way.

And they still do.

So, YES, I prefer my former in-laws. If you want me to like you better, treat me better!

Children Model Your Behavior

I was very curious to watch Mackenzie Phillips on Oprah. I have mentioned here that I always DVR her show and watch it later. This show was of particular interest to me because of her family's drug history.

What I took away from it was something I have always thought. CHILDREN MODEL YOUR BEHAVIOR. When you have your children roll your joints for you, what else can they possibly become except drug addicts? When your kids try your cocaine that you leave out in a bowl when they are 11-years-old and you teach your kids how to shoot up at 16, what else can you expect?

I have very similar frustrations with my husband's family, except that his family seems to be surprised by his addiction. In Ms. Phillips case, they seem to be proud of it.

My husband was given beer by his father as a child, and then, surprise, surprise, he became an alcoholic. His mother used to buy him beer as a teenager. The unhealthy behaviors they both modeled are the same behaviors that I now have to deal with.

I have a real problem with all of this. A real problem. Because his addictions have cause me and my children some real grief and there has been no attempt on any of their part to heal any of that.

You don't give children drugs or alcohol. That is also breeding ground for sexual abuse of all kinds to occur.

What surprises me, is their surprise (and anger) at why I don't want my kids around them when they have made no attempts to make any sort of changes. I have told my husband for years if his father wants to see the kids, he needs to get counseling. Has he done it? NO! But 3 times this week, I have been asked about him seeing the kids.

What the hell is that about?

My kids are precious. I am not letting them around just anyone. I did not bring them into this world to be broken by people who have an obvious disregard for life.

Addiction is generational, in my opinion, because no one steps forward to break the cycle. No one says, this is not acceptable.

I was very proud of Ms. Phillips for stepping forward and telling her story. It took courage. I just hope she stays sober. But somehow, this time, I think she will - because she has finally told her truth.

Accepting Change

Tomorrow is the start of school, and I can not sleep. I am very upset about my daughter starting school on an all-day basis. It just breaks my heart. I started thinking about the passage about acceptance and decided to post it again.

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could no stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes. " p448, The Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous

I can accept that this is the best and only decision I have for my daughter right now. What is hard to accept is that it is the selfish actions of her father and his family that has brought us to this place. That I can't accept, and I don't know if I will ever be able to accept it.

My daughter is 3-years-old. We can never get this precious time back. I feel like it is being robbed from me. I feel like her happy little spirit is being robbed from her. And I am very, very angry about that.

Earlier today my husband wanted to stop by to get some things and I became upset. Why do we always have to change our plans to accommodate him? When does he ever accommodate us?

I told him not to come. I am tired of having my children's lives upset and turned upside down. I am tired of him pretending to be a father. I am tired of having anything at all to do with him.

His things have all been here for 5 months. There should be no sudden urgency about anything anymore. All he left us with is a bunch of old junk.

I know the passage about acceptance is right. I know it has worked for people. There is just very little I feel like accepting right now.

I re-watched Malcolm X the other day and thought there is a man who didn't live by the status quo or accept the bullshit that was handed to him. And, they killed him. Sometimes I wonder if life for the "successful" is just a puppet dance. Playing by someone else's rules that really don't work for you.

Somewhere in all of this I need to find what does work, for me, and for my children.

The Mule

"Women are the mules of the world." - Zora Neale Hurston

I have thought about this quote often since I became pregnant with my son. It seems I am nothing but a mule to my husband and his family. Just a work horse with no feelings or expectations, there to take care of their offspring and expected to work and meet all of their expectations.

I have never had this feeling before and I certainly never want to experience it again.

From here on out I will regain control of my own life and live to meet my own expectations, no one else's.

My children are everything to me and will continue to be so. But I look at life very different now than when I began this relationship.

Wedding Anniversary

Today is my wedding anniversary. Like the night before my wedding, I did not sleep much last night.

I kept thinking back to that night, the Rehearsal Dinner, and the sleepless night that followed.

Sometimes as women, we fail to follow our gut, and it kills us.

My father-in-law is the same entitled, ego-maniac that he was then. And that night it came out in full force. And looking back, I wonder, why I failed to respond to that sign and took the easy way out.

The rehearsal dinner was a disaster. My father-in-law started ranting and raving because things were moving too slow for his taste.

If I could do it again, I would immediately ask him to stop when the complaining first started, before it became fervent.

Instead of waiting for my husband or my father (the 2 men sitting at our table of 6) to tell him to SHUT THE FUCK UP, I would have done it myself.

We did not even oppen the Prosecco. My father-in-law wanted to go home. Looking back, we had the money then, and I wish I had told my in-laws to go home and paid the tab myself. I wish I would have stayed and toasted with our guests and enjoyed the evening to the fullest.

The next morning, when my father-in-law called to aplogize, I wish I had not taken his call. Or I wish I had not told him it was OK. His actions have never been OK.

Looking back, I wish I would have seen this night for what it was. A sign of things to come. On some level, I knew that, and that is what kept me up most of the night.

Family is everything to me, and I have a great one. But I should have realize that I could never be happy in this family. Family permeates everything else. And the same bad traits usually come out in your spouse at some point.

Kids for Sale

So my husband still will not give us a dime. And I know he has money because I saw his pay stub yesterday. So, I called him on it and he said he had to give $1500 to his dad. (And the rest of it?!)

Seriously? His multi-millionaire father is going to get money before his own children?

So here is his response:

"My family was willing to help us through this tough time at one point, but you have ruined that, for both of us!

I asked him the other day why he won't help his grand kids and he said he probably would if he was allowed to even know them. You have cut them out of the kids life to prove that you could."

MY KIDS ARE NOT FOR SALE.

I will not put them in harms way so that my entitled husband can avoid working like a real man.

No thank you.

We will be just fine. And someday, the kids will figure this all out on their own. They don't need me or anyone else to tell them. They have seen it before their own eyes.

Again and again and again and again.

I realize that it is much easier to control an addict, but I will NEVER allowed my children to be subjected to the abuse of that family just so they can breed another generation of addicts and money whores.

Rage

There is nothing worse than dropping your kids off somewhere to go to work. Yes, in the past I have enjoyed my work and even felt a pride in it. But now I am just saddened, sickened and disgusted with all that our lives have become.

I just dropped both kids off at camps. I'm sure they will enjoy them, but it is a reminder that my time with them will soon be over, and that my husband did not keep his word to me.

Our finances seem to get worse by the minute. It would be easier to gage them and manage if I ever felt like I was getting the whole story from my husband. We are always just about to make a bunch of money. And yet, it rarely seems to materialize. I think he just tells me what he thinks I want to hear to get me off his back.

I'd rather just know the truth.

The truth is that we are broke. I am in a worse financial position than I've ever been in my life. I would be better off had I never married him. I told him that yesterday and his response was, "FUCK YOU!".

I guess the truth hurts.

All I feel now is overwhelming rage. I need to get to the gym today. I need a long vacation that seems no where in sight. And I keep thinking, I was here, doing everything I was supposed to do. Standing my my relapsing husband when he spent yet another 90+ days in rehab. And the basic response from my husband and his family is FUCK YOU.

Piss on the Seat

My husband ended up going to San Francisco with his friends until Monday. For a guy who says he is working hard and has so much to do at work, I don't understand missing Friday and most of Monday at work, especially after moving last week. His idea of working hard is entirely different than mine is.

In any case, the kids and I have had a wonderful weekend. The end of July has a lot of special birthdays for me. Two of my sisters and two of my best friends have birthdays. So I spent Friday celebrating with one of my oldest friends. And Saturday we spent the entire day and evening with my ex-husband's wife, L, and all of our kids. Both were just wonderful days.

L is also Lebanese, and her nephew was there with her too. He is only 12 but I kept thinking he is already such a man. He never needed to be reprimanded. He was always polite and grateful. He helped with the other 4 young kids without ever being asked. He works in their donut store several days a week. I think this is a big part of it. I worked from a young age as well. I had mixed feelings about whether I would want this for my children, but after spending the day with him, I think it is the right away to go. My husband's family has such a problem with entitlement. This boy had none of that. I told him at the end of the day how proud I am of him. I've known him since he was a baby and he has grown up to be just an amazing man. And yes, he still sorta looks like a boy, but I don't think I could describe him that way.

There were a lot of things I thought about yesterday. We went to both a water park and a pool that they go to. Funny enough, I have not been to a public pool for a long time. We belong to that Country Club and go there or to our gym, which is also very nice. I had forgotten how real bodies look, with real boobs and everything else. I'm used to see women with "perfect" bodies, in cover ups because they don't think their bodies are perfect enough. At this pool, I think I was the only one with a cover up, and it didn't stay on long. People were in the water and splashing around. They were having fun. No one cared what anyone else was wearing or about saying the right thing to the right person. They were just enjoying themselves.

Several of my friends have wondered about how I could belong to a Country Club. They say it just doesn't seem like me. But yesterday I realized that I have just gotten used to it all. And it did seem ridiculous to me.

The only downside to the public pool was the bathroom. I had not seen piss on the toilet seat for a very long time. The bathrooms at the club are always clean. But I thought, I'd rather wipe the piss off the seat myself than have my husband and his family piss all over me for the rest of my life.

Graciousness and Hospitality

Well, as I suspected, the Fourth Wife is not being very gracious at all. My father-in-law had told my husband he could stay at their house as long as he wanted to. The Fourth Wife keeps asking my husband when he is leaving.

Last night, she didn't even offer him dinner. He bought a slice of pizza. I just can't imagine. Even with everything that has happened with my husband, I always offer him dinner. I always make enough for him to have some too. And I even offer him leftovers because I know he could use them. But that is just what people do. There's nothing so special about me. I knew anyone in my family would do the same thing. So would any of my friends. That's just what you do.

When someone is staying at your home, you go out of your way to make them feel comfortable. You put towels out. You wash the sheets. You prepare what they like to eat. You do all of that - because that is just having manners. Especially when it is your husband's child who is staying at your home.

That's the problem with too many marriages and being #4. But even being the Fourth Wife, you'd still think she would do all that.

He made a lot of excuses for her, but there is no excuse. She really makes me sick.

It also reinforces my idea about her that she is completely different when she is alone with someone. When my father-in-law talked about him staying with her, no doubt she was all smiles. When my father-in-law is there, she is still all smiles. But as soon as he leaves, there she is hassling my husband about when he can get out of her house.

And let's be clear. He is downstairs in an area that they don't even use. In a gigantic house. But apparently, it is an inconvenience to her.

Staying at my In-Laws

I think my husband is reading the blog.

He hasn't admitted to it, but that's the feeling I get in talking to him.

In any case, it hasn't changed what I'm willing to write about like I thought it might.

My husband ended up staying at his parents house. I'm not sure how long this will last, but that's where he has been the last few nights. The house is very large, but I imagine it is uncomfortable for him. Neither my father-in-law or the Fourth Wife are gracious people. Even spending an hour in their home is torturous. Everything is just so and they know nothing about hospitality.

I remember the Fourth Wife telling me that she doesn't celebrate holidays because its too much work for the woman. They usually play golf instead. I found it insulting because there I was working, taking care of two kids, a house and everything else - and I ALWAYS go all out for every holiday. So do all the women in my family. All she does is, well, nothing.

Too much work? What else does she have to do?

I imagine he will move on shortly.

Stupidity

The camping weekend did go fairly well until the ride home. My husband had wanted me to sit next to him on the way there, but I was tired and lay on the bed in the back. I also did not want to get into it with him and start the trip that way. He was disappointed but I think it was better. I wasn't as smart on the way home, and gave in. Almost as soon as I sat next to him, it started.

He is supposed to be out of the condo today, but I had not heard anything about it. So I asked him where he was moving to.

Then came what I sort of expected. He had not made any plans yet. He basically assumed that he could just move back home and after a wonderful weekend together, and that I would be OK with it.

I am not.

I told him that, and it just escalated from there.

I realize that our finances stink. But he is the cause of that. And I told him again, this is cause and effect. He told me he did not need my permission, that he could just move back into his house.

He started to get violently angry, yelling and waving his arms around. At one point his fist came so close to my face, I thought he would hit me. I screamed back and told him he better watch out. I said it is apparent that now that you realize that you are not going to get your way, the real you comes out.

They all seem to forget that I BOUGHT THIS HOUSE. I bought it completely on my own with my income, my money, my everything before I gave all of that up so I could raise my kids. My husband was not even on the title when the home was purchased. I was stupid. I put him on the title. I thought things would work out between us and Oregon is not a community property state. And then we borrowed more money and rolled his debt from the first rehab (while we were together) into the mortgage.

I was STUPID. Stupid, stupid, stupid. My biggest mistake has been trusting him, and his family. That is the biggest mistake of my life.

He has other options, such as living into his parents house, which would be free. Their entire lower level is unused and is the same size as their upstairs. He also could pursue less expensive options, like renting a room for $200-300 a month, instead of spending $1500 or more. But he has champagne tastes and he would never consider doing something like that.

No, instead, he and his family EXPECT me to take the brunt of everything AGAIN, to take the high road like I always have. And I just don't want to. And I don't have time to sit and argue with either one of them about it all day, which is what I assume they will try to do. So PHONE OFF. They can figure it out.

Insanity

What is so hard about telling the truth?

My husband took our son to his first baseball game yesterday. Something seemed fishy so I asked him if anyone else was going. He said, well a lot of people are going to be there, it's a fundraiser for ALS.

Ah, so is your dad going to be there?

Oh, I'm not sure, he might be....

I told him I did not want our son around his dad. For a few days he told me he wasn't going to go and that he didn't want to upset anything further in our relationship.

But then, Sunday I got the feeling he was going to be there again....

So I said, point blank, I know you're dad is going to be there. He's not going to just get the tickets and suddenly not show up. And there's just all this back and forth BS with my husband where he's just being totally murky.

I should have just not let my son go. Honestly, I wanted him to have a good time and enjoy his first baseball game.

But I also can't take the chance of my father-in-law hurting him in any way.

I had told my husband I wanted him to have as little contact with him as possible.

Come to find out they all sat together the whole time and ate hot dogs together. And, worse yet, he left him alone with them several times.

It is increasingly clear that my husband lacks any sort of judgement at all and he is just completely unable to be honest about anything.

He has been promising me money again for days. But every day there is some excuse. Some reason why he can not get to the bank or give us anything. It's really sickening.

He says he has been working all the time. But where is the money to show for it? Certainly not with me.

Friday night I had dinner with a childhood friend and my sister. My husband was at the house "working" and accused me of going out on a date. I didn't bother to even really defend myself.

Same thing the next night. He was here all afternoon and could not believe that a friend who has also babysat our children was just coming to hang out. He made sure to stay until after she got here. Questioned me when I did my hair after getting out of the shower (LOL, don't I always do my hair? At least on some level?!). He kept asking if I was going out, even with the dinner I was making and a batch of Sangria sitting out on the counter.

Then he accused us of being lesbians and did this disgusting thing with his tongue he always does when he thinks he sees a lesbian. I told him to knock it off. If our son catches him doing that, and worse learns it, I will cut his balls off.

So he stayed around the house and did all these chores....LOL I can't tell you when the last time my husband did chores was. He talks about doing them all the time, but then he never seems to actually get around to doing them. But not on Saturday!! He was just so helpful!!! And then he says something like, you need anything else from me before I leave?

About an hour later, he comes back to the house, saying he forgot to leave some things of ours. As if we going to be going at it somehow in the kitchen at 7pm with the kids running all around us....

Earlier that day, he finally moved the desks out of the office. So I'm working on a fold up plastic table that we pull out for company when I invite too many people over for dinner. But at least he won't have an excuse to be here all the time, "working."

In any case, there was still no apology about his dad. He told me to "let go of the anger." He kept saying, "nothing happened today." Everything went fine. Perhaps not today while his dad is on his best behavior. But what about the next time? What about when my husband decides to leave him alone with him all day.

I'm tired of my son being used as bait for his dad's money. There is nothing in the world I would barter my children for. And I can tell you this: If his dad didn't have any money, no parent in the world would leave their kids alone with him for 30 seconds based on his previous behavior. Not any sane parent anyway.