Anger

I am feeling very angry lately, nearly all the time, at my ex.

On one hand, I feel like life keeps getting better and better. I have many relationships that I get a lot of satisfaction from and that I am very grateful for.

I have been able to spend a lot of time with my grandmother - more than I thought I would have several weeks ago. I am trying to stop by there every day.

My grandmother amazes me. She is so damned tough.

I also must say that my uncle has amazed me. He has truly risen to the occasion and given her the best care anyone could ever imagine. I have stereotyped alcoholics a lot lately. And he is certainly an alcoholic. But he has been able to put that aside and really, really care for her the way she needs to be cared for and the way she deserves. I am so grateful that he is there with her at all times. I have not seen anyone give the level of care that he has given her. It is truly heartwarming.

It reminds me that we do all have a choice. He certainly could have dug his head in the sand, drank too much, and ignored my grandma's needs - and in typical alcoholic fashion felt sorry for himself. I always worried when I was married to J, that if anything ever happened to me, he would never have it in him to take care of me. I still feel that very strongly to this day.

I am done with most of my grieving and sadness. Several weeks ago that had completely consumed me. There were days where I spent nearly the entire day crying. Her death seemed so completely unfair to me. It seemed too early.

She did not want that from any of us. And she has told me as much many times. I really had to get a grip on myself. You can't just bury your emotions - I don't believe that is good. But I did need to work through them in order to get where we are now. I feel like now we can just enjoy each other. And even though she is sick and there are things we have discussed that are sad, I always look forward to my time with her.

For the last 6 years she has lived less than 10 minutes away from my house. But I really took that for granted. I felt like she was my young and healthy grandma and I would have at least 20 more years to spend with her.

It occurred to me today that we take life for granted here so much. We assume, like I did, that we are entitled to so much time with our parents or grandparents, and life promises us nothing.

At the same time, we are so flip about our policies in this country, which cause the premature death to millions around the world. It is so hypocritical really.

I have always known this on some level, but today it really hit me. Perhaps because today is the anniversary of the Sabra And Shatila massacres. (If you don't know what this is, and most Americans seem not to, there is a good article at www.countercurrents.org - Remembering Sabra And Shatila by Sonja Karkar).

In any case, this flipness is one of the things that enrages me about my ex.

The fact that he's this spoiled little rich boy who invents problems like drugs and drinking too much while there is an entire world out there that is suffering - and many times they are suffering as a result of our own excesses and fucked up policies.

He made a flip comment the other week about how a lot of people are having financial problems right now.

That just infuriated me.

Yes, this is true. Our economy is really screwed up right now and there are millions and millions of people who are barely hanging on by a thread.

But here he is with every resource in the world - a wealthy family, connections, a good job, an inheritance, and on and on and on....

He chose to stop working - for years - because he didn't fucking feel like it. Work was beneath him. It was more important for him to get high, to get drunk and to fuck random women than to take care of his family. He made a conscious choice to fuck over his family. He will always be fine because his family will always be right there to bail him out. He will always have a huge inheritance to bank on. But I don't have that.

And now, not only does he take zero responsibility, or try to fix it, he tries to put himself in the same category with people who truly did not have a choice or any other options.

It is sickening. He makes me sick.

I have developed a hernia and not been doing my Kundalini Yoga for the last month. I notice a huge difference in my anger level. That seemed to release a lot for me. So I think I will get back to that. I'd rather pop my hernia out than feel this constant anger eating at my soul.

I am really regretting the day we ever had sex, the day we got married, the first day that I ever put up with any of his bullshit.

I should have walked so long ago. I can't get that time back. It is gone. Just like my grandma's time is nearly up. I am glad that I have more choices than she had in her day. I don't have to stay married to an alcoholic for 36 years. But it still burns. It is a bitter poison that I live with every day. How I wish I could be rid of it. How I wish I had made better choices years ago. Perhaps I am most angry at myself. But I still resent him so much, and I don't know if I will ever get past that.

The Ex

Overnight

We left late afternoon yesterday for the home of my ex-husband. H. is in Africa on business, so we have been spending more time with his family. His children are very similar ages to my children - his youngest and my youngest are only 3 weeks apart, so we were pregnant at the same time together. They are the closest thing to cousins my children have.

His wife is like a sister to me and their children like nephews. I am so fortunate to have them in my lives, which is becoming increasingly hard for my husband and his family to understand.

My husband now thinks that I want my ex-husband back, which could not be further than the truth.

Yes, I will always love H. Deeply. But he is more like a brother to me, and his wife a sister. I have regrets over my own stupidity during our relationship, but I don't have regrets over the friendship I share with him and his family now. Everything is as it should be.

We stayed up late and talked like teenage girls. It was just what I need right now. This is the 4th overnight I have spent with either my sister or friends during break. I realized last night how much I love to have other people around me. I have been so alone and isolated. It has felt so good to hold my girlfriends close to me, instead of having to leave for one reason or another.

It amazes me that H. came here to US with no money and not speaking English. (He speaks Arabic and French). When I met him, he worked at Dunkin Donuts full-time (we actually met there) and worked two other menial jobs. He never took any money from his family - everything he has is from his own two hands.

He started college and several businesses while we were married. While he is not "rich", I'd consider him a complete success. His wife and children want for nothing.

It amazes me that my in-laws look down on Arabs and "poor" people and yet they have no problem with the condition of the lives of their own grandchildren. It's not how much you have, it is how you provide for your family.

I wonder if they know that it was H and his wife that would loan me money when my husband did not provide - while they were out golfing and playing tennis without worries and I was there working 60 hours a week and taking care of a newborn. I wonder if they know how many times H and his wife came to help me in the middle of the night, when I was sobbing. That is no life for a child. I think that without them, many times, I would have completely lost hope.

The way my in-laws and my husband have treated me is inhumane. But my ex-husband, his family, his wife and her entire family have all taken me in and loved me. Her sisters have offered to help, her family supports my business, and they both give me constant encouragement and love. That is family.

Sometimes I think coming from a rich family (especially if it is dysfunctional and addicted) is much more of a hindrance than coming from nothing. When you do it on your own, you appreciate it. And, you don't take your family for granted.

Remembering Lebanon

I just got off the phone with my ex-husband's wife. We talked for more than an hour. My daughter fell asleep on the way to school this morning, so I turned around and went home after we dropped my son off. Turns out that was a good choice. She obviously does not feel well. We are spending a quiet day together.

My ex-husband and his wife just came back from a long trip to Lebanon, where they are both originally from. Her parents had come to my office yesterday and told me they were back, so I decided to check on them.

It sounds like they had a wonderful trip. I wish I had been able to go with them. Yesterday, her parents offered to take me, and today she offered me to come with her this summer.

How I miss Lebanon.

Americans seem to wonder why the Lebanese and the Palestinians fight so hard for their land. If they had been there, they would know.

It is beautiful in Lebanon. And the people are the best of the best. There is no place more hospitable, filled with love and laughter. I have never seen children so happy and well-behaved. They are free to run around the village without care, because everyone watches out for everyone else. The high school kids are smarter than most college graduates I know. Most people speak Arabic, French and English, and the children study psychology, literature, mathematics in all three languages, which is different than just taking a French or English class.

The people of Lebanon are very present. Perhaps because they have lost so much. When I went in '95-'96, Israel was still bombing nearby. My ex-husband is from a small village in the South of Lebanon. I remember being scared many times, but after a while, you get used to it. There is no place I have enjoyed traveling to more than Lebanon. It touched my soul.

I have noted to myself many times lately that since I met my current husband, I have essentially stopped traveling - at least abroad. I really want to change that. There is always so much drama involved in alcoholic families. I feel like I have missed many things. My ex-husband's 40th birthday party. A retirement party for my greatest mentor. Party after party that I was too emotionally exhausted to attend. Looking back, I wish I would have done all of it anyway. What was accomplished by me staying home, besides another defeat?

I enjoyed hearing all the stories of the people I love back in Lebanon. My sister-in-law just lost her husband. I remember them well from when I was there. He had a brain tumor then. It is amazing, really, that he made it this long. They have 7 or 8 children. Most people in Lebanon have big families. Family is everything.

We talked about the traditions of death in Lebanon. I remember going to a funeral while I was there. A young boy was killed by Israel during my stay. Nearly everyone from all surrounding villages stopped what they were doing and drove to his village for the funeral. There must have been thousands of people there. I will never forget the sound of the women wailing, screaming really, at the top of their lungs, with all of their hearts and souls.

I think I understand those screams even more now that I have my own children. The grief is unimaginable.

But I think that wailing is good for the soul. In America, death is often skipped over. In Lebanon, the family is in mourning for 40 days. The widow is never left alone. There are usually about 10 people with her at all time, to care for her needs and give her company. Every day, the entire family visits the graveside for 40 days.

I think that is beautiful. His wife told me, "one of the things I like most about our culture is that we make everyone feel so special." I think she really nailed it on the head.

Yesterday, her parents visited me at my office and brought donuts and special Lebanese pastries. My entire office was thrilled.

My daughter's namesake lives in the South of Lebanon. She is one of my ex-husband's many aunts. I remember being instantly taken with her. She is everything I would want my daughter to be - smart, always laughing, and has a very strong sense of self. Her spirit was beautiful and amazing.

I decided when I met her that I would name my daughter after her - even though I was no where close to having a daughter then. I married my first husband very young. I was still in college and wanted to finish my Masters degree first. The Masters degree was one of several things that killed our marriage - but primarily, it was my youth.

My ex-husband handled our divorce with so much grace. One of the best gifts that he ever gave to me, when I was feeling guilty about many things, was to tell me, "Despite everything, you are still the best person I have ever known." I will never forget those words, and he will never know how much they meant to me coming from him. When I am feeling low, I still can hear him telling me that, and it still helps tremendously.

I sent pictures of my daughter to show the family and especially her namesake. She was very pleased with them and sent my daughter back a dress. On Saturday we will go visit them and get it. It sounds like they brought back many gifts, which is traditional. I am looking forward to seeing their entire family. I miss all of them. They will always be my family.

The wife asked about my marriage and I told her. She said, I will never get over the time we came to your house in the middle of the night after your son was born. Right then I knew it was bad, and I wondered what was wrong with him.

I remember that night well. My son and I had just came home from the hospital. He started crying, sometimes screaming, non stop for hours. I was exhausted and did not know what to do. My husband was no where to be found. He would not return calls. Finally I called my ex-husband and his wife, who just lived down the street at the time. By then it was close to mid-night, but they came over immediately anyway. They stayed with me for hours until my son was settled and back to sleep. I will always be grateful to both of them for that. It was one of the worst and loneliest nights of my life.

Dinner with the Ex

I have been reflecting a lot on my previous marriage, and all that has transpired since then. I married very young to a Lebanese Shia Muslim, coming from a sheltered conservative Christian background. I often wonder if that alone didn't ruin us. But there were a lot of obstacles. His temper. My youth. Working too hard to get ahead.

In any case, I now count H as one of my dearest friends. His wife is also extremely close to me and I adore his children. He married his current wife when she was very young, and for a long time I was careful not to say anything that might make her jealous. But much time has passed, and we are all in a very good spot now where we have freedom to speak our mind, and even to joke about things, past and present. And I think what has come out of all of this has truly been remarkable in every way.

I know that not everyone chooses to remain close to their ex. Especially when there are no children and there is no need to. But I feel that H will forever remain a part of me, and that I owe him so much for who I have become. Not to say that it did not take work, but it was worth it for the relationship that all of us have today.

Last night, I joined them at their home for dinner. I brought a cake that my daughter and I made for his wife. She recently had her appendix out and while she was sitting in the hospital she said she was craving this cake that I make, and asked me if I would make her one.

So we decided to cook Lebanese food together, which is something we both enjoy. We decided earlier this year that we both cook better together than apart. I think part of it is that we just enjoy each other's company so much.

So I arrived late in the afternoon with my kids and we let them play, while we opened a bottle of wine and started cooking and talking about life. H came in and out of the room, and joined us later for the meal.

We talked about how when we were younger, we were both more jealous, but as we have grown up we have become less so. We talked about our marriages, and in-laws and our children.

They said that they both had noticed when they saw me last week that I have been happier and lighter lately than I have been for a while. I told them that I had decided that no matter what, I am going to laugh and be happy, because whether things work out or they don't, or I have money, or anything else, I have to get through my days, and I may as well laugh.

We talked about how when you have children with someone, you are forever bound to that person, whether you are married or not - so you may as well make the most of it and try to get along. Her parents and I had a similar conversation earlier in the day at my office. They are jokesters and have 5 children, so they both said that is what had happened to them, that they were stuck with each other because of the children!

Interestingly, H also has a very difficult struggle with his in-laws, for different reasons. We talked about that a little bit too. I can see why he has the struggle, but I also see them different because they are not my in-laws and I deal with them on a different level. It's funny how you relate to people different depending on how you have to relate to them. I'm sure some people can get along fine with my father-in-law - so long as the relationship does not depend on his need to control their life.

One thing that I have always felt as I have moved on in my life is that I could have made my first marriage work, if I had given it some time. I don't have regrets over that now. It is what it is, and I don't think things could have worked out more beautifully than they have. But it does make me approach my current marriage different than perhaps someone else from the outside might.

Seasons of Life

My first husband sent this to me this morning on a powerpoint presentation, which actually shows it better, but I still liked it, so I wanted to post it here. I've actually been meaning to do a post on him anyway, but I haven't had time, so more on that later.

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall.

When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen. The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted. The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of promise.

The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen. The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life.

He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up.

If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall.


Moral:

Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest.
Don't judge life by one difficult season.
Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come at some later time.

The bottom of his said, you have been an important season of my life.

Text this am from my Father-in-Law

After my husband skipped out on our daughter's 3rd birthday party, this is what my father-in-law texted me.

"Your kids will not have memories of these troubled times unless you continue to tell them about it.
Show your current husband the same respect and love that you show your ex-husband and maybe he would be home more often."

I replied, "Regardless of how well I have treated J, he always seems to have some excuse not to come home. If throwing a birthday party for him is treating him poorly and him just no-showing for it is ok, then I am done wiht you and this family."