Friday, January 8, 2010


I'm headed into the clinic to get the ultrasound. I didn't sleep great, but I did get a few solid hours in there, so I am happy for that. I don't do well without sleep - never have.

I was glad to have my mom here last night in case anything happened. My mom is worried that I will have to have surgery and we talked about the plans last night at length just in case.

I am really hoping that this is just stress.

I can't really see how I will manage a hospital stay with my kids and job.

Either way, I have said this many times - all of this is TOO MUCH for one person. It would be one thing if it were just me and the kids and my husband had not ruined our finances. I think I could manage. I did when my son was a baby. Two young children at different schools is more challenging, but it can be done.

Dealing with alcoholic behavior is too much for me to deal with on top of everything else. The stress for me is overwhelming. He is verbally abusive and I can not depend on him, financially or otherwise.

All this time I have been thinking that I could convince my husband and his family somehow that I do have worth. But I will never have worth to them. If their own blood does not have value, how can I expect to?

I am fortunate to have my family and wonderful friends - and I know that my worth comes from me. But somehow knowing that made it more maddening when I did not feel the respect and love from them.

It was really good for me to see my friend the other day. She has not seen me since we were both pregnant with our sons. She had spent a lot of time with me before that, but with young children and living in different parts of town, we lost touch. I was almost embarrassed to tell her about my life now. She knew me when...

For her it was simple. "He is an idiot. He does not deserve you. Do you have any idea what an amazing woman you are? Divorce him! He is never going to get it."

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