Family Reunion

We had our family reunion yesterday for my mom's side of the family.

It was so hard for me to go knowing this would likely be the last year for both my grandma and my great grandma.

My great grandmother latched on to me each time I hugged her with forceful squeezes. She has never been much of a hugger, so I knew she was thinking the same thing I was. It is difficult for her to hear much of anything anymore, so it's hard to carry on a conversation that doesn't consist of me yelling and her saying, "What? What?" to everything directed at her. The most content she seemed all afternoon was when my cousins' 2 year old sat on her lap and played with her necklaces. No conversation was needed. She sat there and smiled at her and the girl smiled back.

For the most part, it was just nice to sit by her side and know she was still there.

My grandmother's cancer has spread everywhere now. It's in her brain and she has an enormous tumor sticking out of her collar bone that is difficult to even look at. She gave in and started some radiation a few weeks ago, as it was the only way to prolong the inevitable. She started to lose her hair yesterday, which was very difficult for her to accept. She has always been a beautiful and well-kept woman. She told me she was going to go out and get a "damned sexy" wig with real hair.

She is keeping a good humor about it all. She does not complain and she hates for anyone to feel sorry for her. She told me she was lucky. The bulging tumor could have been on her face or somewhere that was even more obvious.

It is so difficult for me to watch a woman who has always been in motion, who raised 5 children and many grandchildren, slow down. She was exhausted yesterday, but she wanted to do this picnic for our family, as we have done every year. I am so grateful that she has her boyfriend there and my uncle to take care of her every need. They both adore her.

I didn't see my grandmother's boyfriend until about half way through the party. He was busy taking care of everything so my grandmother wouldn't have to. I asked him how he was doing, and he buckled up and said he was holding in there. I looked him in the eye and told him, "Thank you for taking such good care of my grandma." He started to choke up and nearly lost it. We embraced for a very long time.

They have been together for at least 10-15 years. It took a long time for me to accept him because no one is ever going to be my grandpa. However, over the years, I have come to love him and appreciate how much he loves my grandmother. My kids consider him their grandpa. He's what they have known and he's good to them. He's been good to all of us.

I seem to be breaking up over this grandmother more than the death of the other. I suppose I thought her death was natural and her time had come. But I don't feel that way here. It seems her life has been cut so short, and so unfairly. It is a hard thing for me to accept, but I know I will have to soon.

For now, I am just grateful to have the family that I have. I am trying to appreciate the time that I have had with my gradmother and her mother - and spend as much time with them as possible before it is too late.

Upset

I have been too upset these last few days to write anything.

My grandfather's funeral was ruined many years ago because of my husband and his father. I did not want him to come to my grandmother's service because of this and he did not.

Everything went very well until after the reception. My daughter had been sick so I had kept her home from school. By 3pm, she was spent. I carried her out to the car, but she had a meltdown. I do not usually wear high heels and there was a ridge in the sidewalk I tripped over. We both fell.

I tried to break her fall with my hands, so I got pretty banged up. But she still hit her head anyway, which was upsetting for both of us. I sat there for at least 5 minutes in a daze. No one was around us or heard us and I just didn't want to get up.

She fell asleep almost as soon as I put her in the car and I called the doctor's office. The nurse told me what to watch for. When we got home, I called her dad and gave him the instructions, as he was to pick her up after our family dinner and I did not want to forget anything. He told me that perhaps I should just deal with it. That was fine with me. I told him he should come pick up our son though because he gets upset when he does not.

I had made a delicious pot roast dinner. It had slow-cooked for nearly 10 hours and was probably the best one (actually 2) I have ever made. I had invited my close family over for a dinner after the reception. I thought it would be nice to have some private time together, and dinners were always very important to my grandma.

I set the table in the morning with her China and Silver she had given me years before. I made sure everything on the table had been hers, and it made the dinner very special for all of us.

Afterwards, I asked my sister's boyfriend to play the piano for us. He did and sang beautifully. My dad and sisters and I sang along when we knew the words. I was thinking in my head that this was heaven. I really felt happy and at peace.

Then my husband came.

I don't even want to write about all the details because they still upset me. But he decided he wanted to take my daughter and she did not want to go with him. Ultimately, there was a standoff between us and he threatened to call the police. I told him to go ahead. He was a convicted felon. What were they going to do? I was with my family after my grandmother's funeral and he wants to take my children by force?

My sister stepped in and said something like, "Don't you realize our grandma just died?"

My son ran inside with me. Ultimately neither of them went with him. My dad's wife started sobbing. She had never directly witnessed this side of him. I was crying, the kids were confused, my sister's and dad were trying to comfort everyone - and my dad and my sister's boyfriend went outside to talk my husband out of calling the police or taking the kids.

Somehow, he always manages to ruin everything. He turns every event into something about him, uncomfortable without drama. I am still angry.

He came back this morning and took both the kids. My daughter was sobbing and clinging to me. She kept saying, "I want to stay with mommy." She has called me crying, which just seems like more torture for both of us. She wants to come home.

And I can't figure out why he just won't let her.

What sort of relationship does he want to have with our children?

What Your Family Needs

Here is the song my dad wrote for my grandmother's funeral tomorrow

What Your Family Needs

My Mom & Dad lived a long good life
They were always happy to be man and wife
They never had a lot but what they had they shared
And if we had a problem they always cared

In their final days we gathered around
People were amazed at the sight and the sound
Of us all together holding hands and singing songs
I guess a lot of people finish life alone

That’s not right it's just plain sad
The more I think about it the more it makes me mad
When a loved one is hurting or passing away
I hope you’ll remember what I’m gonna say

Hold ‘em in your arms look ‘em in the eye
Tell ‘em that you love ‘em and have a good cry
When times are so rough that you don’t know what to do
What your family needs is you

Every man woman and child
Is only here for a little while
So love one another I know that it’s true
What’s good for them will be good for you

Hold ‘em in your arms look ‘em in the eye
Tell ‘em that you love ‘em and have a good cry
When times are so rough that you don’t know what to do
What your family needs is you

Family

"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life."

- Richard Bach

Hauling out the Christmas Tree

This year, I hauled the Christmas tree out by myself with some help from my 6-year-old son.

It was a huge tree and really needed two adults, but my dad has done this for me for the last 2 years and I couldn't see asking him again. I know he would do it and say nothing but it was not worth seeing the look of total disgust in his eyes.

I come from a family (on both sides) where the men do these things. Odd for me to say this as a feminist, but I like it this way.

My husband reminded me when I told him that I chose to live alone.

No, I chose to be marry a sober man. I chose to have the relationship that we agreed on in advance.

In Islam, you agree on the parameters of the marriage beforehand, much like a business agreement. If either partner does not keep their end of the bargain, the other party is free to divorce.

Islam was the first religion that gave women the right to divorce, among other things. It was a very progressive and feminist religion from the get-go. Women actually have rights. For all the "progressiveness" of the US, I'd say that the intention (at least) of Islam was to give women more rights and more choices. Women are not expected to just suck it in when their rights are violated.

In our case, I told my husband if he relapses I would leave him. He chose to drink anyway, after 3 years of sobriety.

He said he would follow my religion and that I could raise the children while he supported the family.

In Islam, any money a woman makes is hers to spend as she wishes. The man supports the family. The woman's primary responsibility is to the children and to the family. Not to say that the woman can not do anything (there have been far more Islamic countries with female Presidents than we have ever seen in the US!) But, I think it is a common sense religion, in the sense that throughout the world, women take on the bulk of responsibility for house and home - and they are honored for that - not forced to take on a double work-load.

My husband said he would honor my religion. Without these promises, I would not have married him.

I certainly would not have lived through another relapse. Had I known he would chose to drink again, I never would have married him.

I thought I made myself clear before we were married what the parameters would be. He reminds me now that marriage is for better or worse. Perhaps he's right. But I did not sign up for worse and worser.

He chose to drink. He chose to cheat. He chose to squander all our money until we were broke. He chose many things that I never would have chosen for us.

I chose to stick up for myself, kick his cocaine-head, alcoholic self out of this house and take care of our children.

I suppose I could have chosen to move on and move another man in to take care of us and all the things that go along with a house, but I didn't think that would be good for my kids.

So I suppose I chose our kids. I just did not expect that I would get fucked again and again because of it.

Overnight

We left late afternoon yesterday for the home of my ex-husband. H. is in Africa on business, so we have been spending more time with his family. His children are very similar ages to my children - his youngest and my youngest are only 3 weeks apart, so we were pregnant at the same time together. They are the closest thing to cousins my children have.

His wife is like a sister to me and their children like nephews. I am so fortunate to have them in my lives, which is becoming increasingly hard for my husband and his family to understand.

My husband now thinks that I want my ex-husband back, which could not be further than the truth.

Yes, I will always love H. Deeply. But he is more like a brother to me, and his wife a sister. I have regrets over my own stupidity during our relationship, but I don't have regrets over the friendship I share with him and his family now. Everything is as it should be.

We stayed up late and talked like teenage girls. It was just what I need right now. This is the 4th overnight I have spent with either my sister or friends during break. I realized last night how much I love to have other people around me. I have been so alone and isolated. It has felt so good to hold my girlfriends close to me, instead of having to leave for one reason or another.

It amazes me that H. came here to US with no money and not speaking English. (He speaks Arabic and French). When I met him, he worked at Dunkin Donuts full-time (we actually met there) and worked two other menial jobs. He never took any money from his family - everything he has is from his own two hands.

He started college and several businesses while we were married. While he is not "rich", I'd consider him a complete success. His wife and children want for nothing.

It amazes me that my in-laws look down on Arabs and "poor" people and yet they have no problem with the condition of the lives of their own grandchildren. It's not how much you have, it is how you provide for your family.

I wonder if they know that it was H and his wife that would loan me money when my husband did not provide - while they were out golfing and playing tennis without worries and I was there working 60 hours a week and taking care of a newborn. I wonder if they know how many times H and his wife came to help me in the middle of the night, when I was sobbing. That is no life for a child. I think that without them, many times, I would have completely lost hope.

The way my in-laws and my husband have treated me is inhumane. But my ex-husband, his family, his wife and her entire family have all taken me in and loved me. Her sisters have offered to help, her family supports my business, and they both give me constant encouragement and love. That is family.

Sometimes I think coming from a rich family (especially if it is dysfunctional and addicted) is much more of a hindrance than coming from nothing. When you do it on your own, you appreciate it. And, you don't take your family for granted.

Thanksgiving Day

My mom took the kids the night before Thanksgiving so I could get things done. I had a feeling my husband would take issue with that, so I didn't tell him. Lately he always assumes when I have a free night that I am with someone else.

I felt very depressed and didn't get much done, except for moping around. I watched an OK movie and did a little here and there to get ready for the next day.

Thursday morning I woke up and took a walk, which was nice. I rarely have time for that on Thanksgiving Day, and usually I have both my kids, who can't do the big hills by our house very well.

My sister came around noon to help, and my mom brought the kids back a little before that. The best part of my day was the time I spent with my sister. We don't have as much time together lately and I have missed her. We are always silly and light-hearted together.

We decided to sneak out for an hour and go see both of our grandmas. My mom's mom has cancer and it really isn't treatable. She's opted to go out pretty naturally, which I respect. I think I would want the same thing. She's still pretty young to be a great-grandma (early 70's) and it does seem like she's too young to die. She has always been very strong and not very emotional. I've only seen her cry a few times, and I remember each scene vividly. It was like something breaking this strong foundation that I love so much. I cry just thinking about it.

She has become slightly more emotional lately - and more into seeing everyone. In the past she was happy to just stay at her house alone. I see a lot of myself in her. Perhaps it is being with an alcoholic for a long time (36 years for my grandma) that wears you down until you just can't show any sign of emotion.

Two of my uncles were over there, and so was my mom. We had a nice visit and I'm glad we went, even though we had the food in the oven and no one was there to watch it, lol!

Then we went over to see my dad's mom, which was a little more difficult. She has always been very clingy, and now moves very slow, so it was difficult to do a quick hello. But as we were leaving my sister said, that was probably the highlight of her week. She loves to see my kids, and I love to see her too. I just have felt very tired and depressed lately, so I don't go lately. Now that I'm back at work, there is little time between that and the kids to just go visit someone.

We rushed to finish everything once we got home, and my husband came, bringing my dear friend T, who does not drive. His partner used to drive him or he would take a bus. Our house is not easy to get to with out a car, so I was grateful to my husband for getting him. He's had a hard year between caring for his sick partner, and then losing him. I love to see T. He is someone who always says exactly what is on his mind, and he always makes me smile. Sometimes he offends people, but I love that about him too. He doesn't tip-toe around anyone. He is fully himself - and there are too few people like that.

My children told their dad about spending the night with their grandma and he came over and asked me about it. It felt more like an accusation than a question. I asked him, "Have you ever made a Thanksgiving dinner with 2 little children around? It's a lot of work."

I resent him even questioning me. He has every night to spend as he wishes. I don't get into his business. He is the one who stepped out of our marriage 3 times, and now he wants to question me? When I'm making a fucking Thanksgiving Dinner??!! I started venting to my mom about it in the kitchen. I thought he had stepped outside, but it turns out he had come back in and probably heard me.

Things were tense. He carved the turkey. We all got our food and sat down to eat. I just started eating.

T. surprised me by asking to say a prayer before dinner. I'm not feeling super religious, so I asked him to do it. It was beautiful.

During dinner, my sister and T made a toast, more to each other than anything, to past, current and future lovers. We all raised our glasses. I actually thought it was a great toast. I could see my husband was visually upset however.

He sort of sulked through the rest of the dinner. My sister ended up taking T home and he stayed and washed most of the dishes. It was nice of him to wash the dishes, but I hate that negative energy there when you know there is something wrong and the person won't just come out with it.

After he left, he texted me about it.

I felt like it was not the Thanksgiving I hoped for, at least not the dinner. The food did not taste especially good to me, and I ended up eating only about half of what I take. Usually I take pride in my cooking and love to eat, but I didn't enjoy the meal the way I had hoped.

Ojibway Prayer

We had Native American Sunday today at church and I really liked this prayer:

Grandfather-Grandmother, look at our brokenness. We know that in all creation only the human family has strayed from the Sacred Way. We know that we are the ones who are divided and we are the ones who must come back together to walk in the Sacred Way. Grandfather, Grandmother, Sacred One, teach us love, compassion, and honor that we may heal the earth and heal each other.

- Ojibway Prayer

Fighting and Arguments

I have been fighting a lot with my husband. I feel tired and moody. He came over last night with dinner and it all went fairly well, but then he groped my ass. I really, really hate that. I have told him that a million times. Even when we were happy I hated it. It reminds me of the sloppy moves of a 12-year-old boy. He was all offended, so I asked him, If I licked your face like a dog every time I saw you and you told me you hated it but I kept doing it anyway, would you like that?

He told me that I don't give him credit for all he has done for our family.

I asked him, If you built the most beautiful castle in the world for us, but then destroyed it, would it matter how beautiful the castle was?

Happy Fourth of July

I'm headed to the beach for Fourth of July with the kids. It is our tradition to stay with my dad and his wife at their home there. My husband will not be going this year. Last year, he was at Betty Ford, and the year before was when it was apparent he was drinking again. I took the kids down early and he was supposed to meet us after work. He did not show up for dinner. My dad's wife wondered if she should keep his food out. We did. I stayed up well past midnight, upset. My parents stayed up pretty late too. I could hear them whispering in the other room. My husband didn't show up until afternoon the next day. It was a hard trip. No one really recovered from that.

I know my husband is sad to be not invited this year, but honestly I feel some relief. I am looking forward to a very relaxing weekend with my family.

Tired of Alcoholics

I am very tied of alcoholics tonight.

Tonight one of my dearest friends came for dinner from out of town, and to spend the night. My kids and I have been looking forward to her visit for months. She has lived over 2000 miles away for over 7 years, so I don't see her often. But we are always texting and emailing so we are very, very close.

She brought a friendship necklace for me with her tonight and I really love it. We had a lovely evening together....but a few hours in her step mom called and told her that her dad had been missing for four hours. And while I empathized with her I felt myself angry with her dad.

Why can't he just let her live her life? Why can't he let her enjoy her evening?

My husband called right after she left and I snapped at him.

He said but I'm in recovery.

Well, you weren't 3 weeks ago when you didn't come home all night long.

Or the week after when you didn't come to your daughters 3rd birthday.

So this all hits pretty close to home for me.

And I'm wondering if there's any peace in alcoholic families or if my kids will have to go look for their dad in a ditch or a hospital someday.

I told my friend how I felt and I think we understand each other. We've been friends for 22 years. I told her I was not mad at her. And I'm not. I just am frustrated that one more thing was ruined by an alocoholic.

I'm sorry for her and I'm sorry for me. Because this is just one more instance where an alcoholic has screwed up our night. And it has happened to both of us so many times.

And does he really care?

Probably not.