Happy

I realized today that I feel happier than I have probably ever felt.

This is something I have been working on for a long time: just to be happy.

For some people it probably seems like a simple thing. But for me, it has not been.

I had so many negative thoughts constantly popping into my head that I think I needed to completely re-arrange the way I thought. For me, listening to meditations and other positive, affirming voices really helped.

I've been listening to Patricia Lynn Reilly's Home is Always Waiting Meditation (which is wonderful!) every night when I put my daughter to sleep. Sometimes she wants to just talk to me, and that is OK. But I think we both benefit from her words and her peaceful voice. Throughout the day, beginning with breakfast for me and the kids, I listen to Chakra meditations. This is an area of work my sister has encouraged in me for years. It was only recently that this did not seem "weird" to me.

I have been walking my hilly neighborhood daily and following up with my Kundalini Yoga DVD afterwards. The walking helps me clear my head so I can really experience the yoga. When I tried to do yoga just by itself, I would often get distracted with thoughts or things to do mid-way through.

I was really hard on myself for not doing the yoga and walking daily, but when I let go of that and just decided to do what I could, I started to really enjoy it - and make it a priority every day.

I also decided to make myself a nice salad every day at lunch. In the past, I only made salads when other people were eating with me. I don't know why. But I've figured out a method to make a nice single salad, the way I like with with lemon and olive oil, without it being too much fuss. I actually enjoy putting it all together.

I have more time for me now. Part of this is that both my children are in school all -day now. I never had time to do all these self-care acts. I have never had a live-in partner. And I never demanded partnership. I think in a lot of ways I felt lucky just to have the "privilege" of being married. Even if it was to someone who could not give back to me in any way other than buying me off. Contrary to what Alanon promotes, I don't think you can be happy or healthy in a toxic environment. I don't believe children can be either.

I feel so grateful to have such a loving and supportive partner now. I am constantly amazed at his support of me. I never knew a love like this existed, at least for me.

Now that I am healing myself, I have more creative energy than I have ever had. I have so many projects that I am working on and am excited about. Previously, everything looked good on the outside, but I was a miserable mess. Now, by all accounts, I should probably be miserable - at least by my old value system. But I am really, really happy.

Kundalini and Sexual Energy for Women

"...when a woman integrates her sexuality with knowledge of herself, when it is a source of energy, it becomes a force in the expansion of her love and power. When a woman ceases to use sex as a bribe, escape, or weapon of power, it can become one with her Source, her spirituality. Kundalini yoga regards the body as a microcosm of the universe: when one is alive and at one within the body, one is likewise at one wiht the universe, with pure consciousness. Kundalini stands for female sexual energy, represented by a coiled serpent in the form of a flower resting at the base of the spine. When the serpent uncoils, energy rises through the body, awakening purse knowledge and a state of bliss, and sexual energy is transfomed to cosmic consciousness."

-Charlotte Davis Kasl, Women, Sex and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power. 78-79

At Peace

I went in to sign the final divorce papers this morning. It was a very easy and simple process. It was a beautiful day here, so I enjoyed the drive downtown and back home.

My husband has tried to stir up things a few times today, but I feel at peace with everything.

When I divorced my first husband, I thought going into sign would be an easy thing, and I would leave work for an hour and drive back and finish my day. But I found myself unable to stop crying. I did not go back to work for many days, and cried for perhaps 2 weeks.

I was only 23 then, so part of it was age I think. But I also feel like I have grown up quite a bit and made peace with my life. I am in a much better place now.

My ex made a comment earlier that I only think the worst of him and I told him, honestly, I really have no negative emotion towards you.

I will defend myself, and that is different from years of taking it and taking it -from him and everyone. But after I say my peace, I am fine, and ready to move on. There are things that I wish were different - particularly in the financial realm. But I know in time, everything will be better.

I really do attribute much of my peace and well-being to the Kundalini Yoga I have been doing. I know I have not even learned 1/100th of what I can from it, but I am already feeling a huge cleansing, healing and strengthening in my life.

It was the final thing that I think was missing for me.

It sounds like the divorce will be final tomorrow.

Healing with Kundalini Yoga

I haven't had much time to write this week. I have been very busy at my kids schools and with some projects at church. Seems like I am busier now than when I was working! (And, certainly happier!).

But I am so thrilled with this Kundalini Yoga I have been doing. My body feels much more tight, fit and strong than it has in ages. It is great for awakening sexual energy and healing. The last part is a meditation with a gong, focused on healing. I would highly recommend this program to anyone. The DVD I'm using is Kundalini Yoga with Gurmukh. She has a lovely presence about her. Many of my friends have been telling me I have a glow about me lately (and I'm not pregnant lol!).

Fucked

I am in a foul mood today. Really foul.

I just met with my husband and the bankruptcy attorney. I realize that this is the only logical step at this point, but I am just pissed off that I am in this position.

I have always been responsible with money. I have been a good wife and a good mother, while my husband was off cheating on me, blowing money and snorting cocaine and God knows what else. He risked our lives. He fucked our finances.

And I feel like his family should have stepped in and helped us. They raised him to be this way. They created this mess that I now live in. But do they do anything? No. They play golf and tennis. They sit there on their butts and make judgements about me.

They have no problem enabling his lifestyle. They have no problem paying for endless rehabs. But when it comes to the education they promised my children, or anything else, nothing.

I feel like their priorities are fucked. They are fucked.

Most of my days now are good. I have felt so happy and so free. I try not to dwell on any of this. But today, I am angry.

I know I can't (or shouldn't) expect a damned thing from my husband's parents. But I do. I would never leave my daughter-in-law in this position. I would never treat someone the way that I have been treated. All I can do now is try to erase them from my life and move on.

Someday, my children will know exactly who they are - and they will not be able to buy themselves out of that.

I am going to fix some lunch and do my Kundalini Yoga. I don't want to feel like this all day.

Kundalini

I heard about Kundalini Yoga several years ago and decided I wanted to do it. I purchased 2 DVDs and they have sat there unopened ever since.

I have told myself I would get to them, and today I finally opened one and began.

I have had constant back and neck pain for years and take Excederine and Ibupropen every day, which really bothers me. I try to live my life without toxins, and I know both of these are poisons that do not contribute to my well-being.

I think this yoga practice will completely transform my life. I immediately felt renewed energy and power. My back and neck opeened up. I didn't realize it was so aerobic - nor did I realize how out of shape I am! I have never been interested in weight training programs or things that just seemed otherwise unnatural to me. This is something I definately enjoyed doing and I felt an immediate benefit. I am hooked after one session and plan to make it a daily practice.