Pain and Closure

I finally got my divorce papers this morning and it looks like everything will be done next week. There are a lot of errors and things that aren't exactly what I want them to be, but at this point, I just want to be legally divorced. It sounds like the errors will mostly be corrected in the next few days, so that should improve things somewhat.

I am very frustrated and aggravated. I had to go to the doctor the other day for severe abdominal pain. I spent several hours there with both my children, getting tests and x-rays. I think we have figured out what is wrong, but I am still in a lot of pain. I don't check my home voicemail often, but last night I did after dinner. There was a frantic call from my doctor late that evening after the visit saying that he felt horrible because he had forgotten to give me my prescription. It was a little chaotic there in his office with young children waiting for hours. I had to leave them alone when I went to get my x-rays and they went a little nuts.

The kids and I went in to get that last night and I think it is helping. But I am just in a sad and pissy mood. After we returned home my sister called to let me know that one of my uncles from her side of the family had passed. It happened to be my favorite uncle, and unfortunately one that I had put off seeing because of the difficulties I've had with my step father.

We have been slowing healing our relationship, but I have a lot of sadness that I did not reach out to my uncle before he passed. The strain in the relationship had nothing to do with him - he was always so kind to me. My children never met him. I have stayed away from his family since his divorce with my mother, largely for self-preservation. They had 15 children in that family and there were many people that I loved and felt close to. I'm sure that no one can begin to imagine why I have stayed away all these years. It was a difficult thing for me, but I can't really see it any other way. I needed to build up strength and healing in myself. I just wish it had happened sooner.

I am looking forward to a point where things are easier and I have some closure. I see that happening soon on many fronts, so I am happy for that. I just need to take it a day at a time.


And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."

And he said:

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

- Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

What is Reality?

The ultrasound has come and gone. It was odd going there and checking in. I am still on my husband's insurance but I don't feel like he is my husband anymore. The receptionist was asking questions about my husband's place of employment and date of birth. She asked for an emergency contact person and I gave her my mother's name.

This morning my mother noticed alarmingly that our downstairs toilet is leaking and needs to be repaired immediately or the wood would be damaged. I told my husband, but he has not reponded. I guess I should get used to the fact that we are on our own now. But it is a hard thing to sink in.

I suppose we have been on our own for a long time, but I could usually count on help with at least some of the big things.

It sounds like I will not hear anything back from the doctor until Monday. I am a little nervous but I decided on my way back from the clinic that I am just going to assume everything is OK until I hear otherwise. It won't help me to worry.

Last night, my husband read the blog again and sent me a 7-point response, defending himself. It is clear that we both have completely different versions of reality. My husband does not even pretend to be his nice-guy persona anymore around other people, so that at least is a little more comforting. Sometimes I think it was hard for people to envision the things that he said to me. No longer.

A friend told me the other day that when he called me a cunt, that's when it would have been over for her. It's funny how you try to remove these things from your mind, but when you finally tell people what has happened and they remind you of them, you are not able to create your own (better) reality anymore. Hearing her say it made me realize how awful things have been.

Ultrasound

I'm headed into the clinic to get the ultrasound. I didn't sleep great, but I did get a few solid hours in there, so I am happy for that. I don't do well without sleep - never have.

I was glad to have my mom here last night in case anything happened. My mom is worried that I will have to have surgery and we talked about the plans last night at length just in case.

I am really hoping that this is just stress.

I can't really see how I will manage a hospital stay with my kids and job.

Either way, I have said this many times - all of this is TOO MUCH for one person. It would be one thing if it were just me and the kids and my husband had not ruined our finances. I think I could manage. I did when my son was a baby. Two young children at different schools is more challenging, but it can be done.

Dealing with alcoholic behavior is too much for me to deal with on top of everything else. The stress for me is overwhelming. He is verbally abusive and I can not depend on him, financially or otherwise.

All this time I have been thinking that I could convince my husband and his family somehow that I do have worth. But I will never have worth to them. If their own blood does not have value, how can I expect to?

I am fortunate to have my family and wonderful friends - and I know that my worth comes from me. But somehow knowing that made it more maddening when I did not feel the respect and love from them.

It was really good for me to see my friend the other day. She has not seen me since we were both pregnant with our sons. She had spent a lot of time with me before that, but with young children and living in different parts of town, we lost touch. I was almost embarrassed to tell her about my life now. She knew me when...

For her it was simple. "He is an idiot. He does not deserve you. Do you have any idea what an amazing woman you are? Divorce him! He is never going to get it."

Change

I feel deeply sad today. My daughter had a breakdown last night like she has not had for a long time. I couldn't help thinking it was about her dad. It came out of no where. She just errupted into a fit of rage at the end of the day that I could not help or control. She fell asleep sobbing and heaving hard. I just laid there with her and rubbed her head and told her I love her.

I couldn't sleep last night and I woke up knowing that I needed some inspiration. I listened to a chakra alignment CD while I was getting ready and then another motivational CD of Abraham Hicks in the car for the long drive to my son's school. I think they helped but I also think that sometimes you can cover up and cover up with positive affirmations but at the end of the day, you are still where you're at.

In the lull between the start times for school I took my daughter to Starbucks with all the familiar faces. We saw my daughter's sweet friend that she loves so much, and it was nice to see her light up on his presense.

I kept hearing the AA table erupt in gregarious laughter and I felt annoyed. I felt bad about that, even as I was feeling it. These are good guys, with long-term sobriety. They are always kind to me and my daughter.

But I felt like it is always the alcoholics that are laughing and happy, while the rest of us pick of the pieces.

Another sponsor and sponsee happened to be sitting behind us, talking loudly. At first that annoyed me too, but then I realized it was a grace, because I was inadvertently hearing one of the man's story about growing up with an alcoholic father. It was good to remember that the alcoholic has often suffered too. It is sad that the cycle of addiction continues and perpetuates itself.

I don't want that for my children. I just feel crying. I have not been going to the chiropractor because I am trying not to spend money. But I now have a rib that is out and it is sticking into me and it hurts like hell. So I made an appointment anyway and am headed there in a couple hours. I'm sure I will feel better then, but for now, I am just in a bad spot.

I have chronic back problems and I need to start taking better care of myself. It was easier before when we had money and I could afford massage, accupuncture and chiropractic on a weekly basis, but I need to start doing something within my means - like more stretching and yoga to help alleviate some of this. I know I need to change my life on many levels. I can't keep living this way.