Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something I have struggled with since I was a child. Growing up as a Fundamentalist Christian, I was always told I had to forgive, but no one told me how. I would beg God to help me forgive, but the hatred would still remain in my heart.

Many years ago, I started reading Louise Hay and she had many forgiveness exercises, many of which helped. But the one thing that she said that stuck with me was that you only have to be willing to forgive and it will come. I held on to that, and there have been several miracles in my life around that lately.

But I have also been thinking and reading a lot these last few months. I feel like this has been a good period of growth for me. Here are a few thoughts I have had lately around forgiveness that have really helped me.

Most of the time I find myself unable to forgive it is because I think "my" sister, husband, friend... should not have treated me that way. I have taken it personally. When you remove the "my" from the equation it is easier to overcome a transgression.

When I view them as just a person instead of a person in my life that I somehow want to control to my liking, the "transgression" seems lesser.

You do not have to maintain a toxic relationship with anyone. In fact, I think it's better if you don't. Close the door to that part of your life. But don't give that person power over you by holding on to a resentment about them.

Release the relationship from your life. View them as simply another person. You may still judge their action as "wrong" but it won't hurt in the same way if it is not a wrong that was committed against you. It is just a wrong. And, perhaps you will be able to see their side a little better.

I remember a woman speaking at church several months ago about forgiveness and specifically turning the other cheek. Her interpretation was not literal. She saw it as turning the other way to see the other person's side of things.

One of the Madea movies also had a good quote about forgiveness (although I haven't been able to remember or google which one it was!). It goes something like this....you will know you have forgiven someone when you have an opportunity to get even with them and you don't take it.

Forgive, but don't Forget

I have been sitting here thinking for a long time.

It's getting to be crunch-time for my marriage. We are supposed to see a judge next week. Not sure what will come of that.

I am still very nervous about going to the funeral on Saturday. I spoke to my former husband's wife about it today and she told me to hold my head up high and be proud. I have done nothing wrong.

That said, I still have a lot of angst about being around my husband's family.

I was sitting here trying to think of why it is so hard for me to forgive my father-in-law. With most people, I can see two sides of the story. I have many long-term friendships and relationships, which have had their ups and downs and forgiveness over the years.

But I think what gets me with my father-in-law is that I have forgiven him before, and then he turns around and does the same thing. The only thing I associate to him now is abuse and pain.

I remember one of the Tyler Perry movies, I think Madea's Family Reunion, where Madea tells her granddaughter, "Forgive, but don't forget. Remember, so it doesn't happen to you again."

I wish I could let go of everything, but I guess when it comes down to it, I am afraid to.

I don't have any hopes that he will ever change.

I've run into people like that before, and I have let them go. And the forgiveness has come with time, as I have not had to constantly rub up against them.

But it seems no matter which way my marriage goes, I will always have some tie to my father-in-law. While I can try to minimize it as much as possible, it will never go away completely.

Diary of a Mad Black Woman

I have been slowly renting all the Tyler Perry movies I can get my hands on, and this was one of my favorites. My kids and I have both grown to love Madea. Not only is she hysterically funny, but there is a lot of truth in these movies. I found myself sobbing at this one. It hit pretty close to home. My house isn't nearly that nice, but I recognized myself in the lifestyle trap of the main character (the mad black woman!). I also saw my own bitterness and anger at my situation. I have been trying to get past that through various methods. I noticed at church the other week when we were reciting the Lord's Prayer, that my voice sort of caught on the part about "as we forgive those who trespass against us..." So I have been going back to some of my old standbys like the Tao and You can heal your life. But somehow I think the mixture of the hysterical laughter and the sobs did more for me than any of that has lately.

Loving Madea

I saw Tyler Perry on the Oprah show about 6 months ago and was very impressed...but then I sort of forgot about renting his movies. A friend recommended the Madea movies to me and I am so grateful to have found them.

First of all, they are just hysterically funny and real. But I have never laughed so hard and then cried so hard, back and forth, throughout an entire movie.

The laughing part has been so good for me. It's been a great release with everything else that has been going on.

But I also have to say that I just LOVE Madea's character. She is such a strong woman and I have been so inspired by her to stop putting up with all my husband's bullshit.

My kids have even caught on and just love watching Madea in action.

They stayed up and watched the last movie (Madea's Family Reunion) with me and just laughed hysterically when Madea shows her granddaughters what to do about a man that beats his wife.

Cook a big pot of grits, bring him into the kitchen, then toss the grits on him. Then after you toss them, swat him with a frying pan. You gotta get you a good balanced weight, toss and swat, toss and swat, Venus and Serena, that's called grit ball.

We all laughed our heads off.

But she also said something that was so profound - and I wish I had the right words here to quote. (I tried to google them unsuccessfully and I already returned the movie). The words go something like this.

You can't help a woman that doesn't want to be helped. When a woman is tired of being abused, she will get out on her own.

Those words have been in my head for days now.

Thank you Madea!