Character

The camping trip went well overall. I have a friend who has been reminding me for years that most of my husbands issues don't stem from alcoholism but from a lack of character. I suppose I have lumped most alcoholics into the same category for a long time, but I did know what she meant on some level. My grandfather on my moms side was an alcoholic, but not at all comparable to my husband. He always provided for his family (5 kids) and was proud to do so. He had his issues for sure, but he was rarely unkind, and seldom unkind to me. (I only recall one time, and it was indirectly, when he was too drunk to even know I was there.)

I wasn't quite sure what to expect of this trip. I sorta thought they would gang up on me because it is a large group (200 plus) from the men's group my husband attends, along with his dad and brother.

I've had a lot of issues with my brother-in-law as well but I have chosen not to write on the specifics here because he is young (26, I think) and I do believe he is trying to be a better person. Someone that I respect very much also asked me to give him some grace because of everything he has endured. It has been hard sometimes, but I do try, and I did try during this trip.

But, I have to say I was nervous to spend time with him and to have my kids around him. It turned out fine. He was cordial and the kids were glad to see their uncle. They haven't spent a lot of time with him and I've never left them alone with him. But he was there with a girlfriend and we left the kids with him for an hour and a half so we could talk to the leader of this group. (More on this later.)

My husband has a friend who calls AA a "cult" and I've never understood his perspective until this weekend. I don't need someone to tell me what is right and wrong. I learned that as a child, from my parents and the rest of my family. My ethics are constantly evolving, but there is a very large foundation that my family set for me - as a child. I have been working the steps in Alanon because I am trying to be open to the program, but for the most part, it seems like things that people learn growing up, not as adults.

But I do think these programs work very well for some people. I've always thought of people in recovery as rigid and resenting not drinking. But the majority of people I know in recovery (at least well) are my husband and his family. I was pleasantly surprised by this group. I related very well to everyone. I love to camp. I grew up camping and I think there is something so special and unique about it. I didn't have any cell or email access and I really enjoyed that. It reinforced my belief that I want a simpler life.

It also did wonders for my son and his self-esteem. On the campground, he was able to roam freely on his bike or on foot. As I've said before, we don't have that luxury where we live. At first I let him go off on his bike with another man I know fairly well. He has 3 kids and I trust him implicitly. I knew the hills would be a challenge, but he reminded me that he has raised 2 boys. Apparently, he fell at the top of the hill, cried bloody murder, then realized that neither me or my husband were there to help him, got back up on rode down the hill.

In no time at all, he was riding up and down the hills by himself, or with other kids. I could see him shine.

I know on many levels, I have babied my kids. I have felt sorry for them because of their dad. But I also know that they need some tough love from other men - and that is why they spend a lot of time with my dad, and I have started them at the church. Especially with boys, I think this is so important. My husband and the men in his family have a tendency to pout. And I think that is the worst thing for a man to do. I have never seen my father or my grandfather pout. When they are upset, they deal with it like a man. And not kicking and screaming and cussing. They just work it out.

This is what I want for my son. More than anything else, I want him to be a man, and not a little boy in a man's body that doesn't know how to deal with life (on life's terms, if I may use an AA expression!).

So regardless of what happens with my husband, or anything else, this is a camp-out that I want to come back to. There is much more to write, but I will do it later.