Beginnings of AA

"Alcohol was officially recognized as an addiction in 1937. Alcoholics Anonymous, or AA, was the first succesful model for treating addiction, and it started a new trend. Begun by Bill W., AA established a model composed of twelve steps intended to support abstinence from alcohol and lead to spiritual recovery. The wisdom underlying the steps draws from Eastern teachings aws well as Christianity and is profound in its understanding of the process of healing. The wording of the steps, however, carries a deefinite patricarchal Christian tone, using the image of an all-powerful, external male God and implying that on's goal is to get rid of "character defects" rather than balancing, integrating, accepting or transforming them."

-Charlotte Davis Kasl,

Change

I feel deeply sad today. My daughter had a breakdown last night like she has not had for a long time. I couldn't help thinking it was about her dad. It came out of no where. She just errupted into a fit of rage at the end of the day that I could not help or control. She fell asleep sobbing and heaving hard. I just laid there with her and rubbed her head and told her I love her.

I couldn't sleep last night and I woke up knowing that I needed some inspiration. I listened to a chakra alignment CD while I was getting ready and then another motivational CD of Abraham Hicks in the car for the long drive to my son's school. I think they helped but I also think that sometimes you can cover up and cover up with positive affirmations but at the end of the day, you are still where you're at.

In the lull between the start times for school I took my daughter to Starbucks with all the familiar faces. We saw my daughter's sweet friend that she loves so much, and it was nice to see her light up on his presense.

I kept hearing the AA table erupt in gregarious laughter and I felt annoyed. I felt bad about that, even as I was feeling it. These are good guys, with long-term sobriety. They are always kind to me and my daughter.

But I felt like it is always the alcoholics that are laughing and happy, while the rest of us pick of the pieces.

Another sponsor and sponsee happened to be sitting behind us, talking loudly. At first that annoyed me too, but then I realized it was a grace, because I was inadvertently hearing one of the man's story about growing up with an alcoholic father. It was good to remember that the alcoholic has often suffered too. It is sad that the cycle of addiction continues and perpetuates itself.

I don't want that for my children. I just feel crying. I have not been going to the chiropractor because I am trying not to spend money. But I now have a rib that is out and it is sticking into me and it hurts like hell. So I made an appointment anyway and am headed there in a couple hours. I'm sure I will feel better then, but for now, I am just in a bad spot.

I have chronic back problems and I need to start taking better care of myself. It was easier before when we had money and I could afford massage, accupuncture and chiropractic on a weekly basis, but I need to start doing something within my means - like more stretching and yoga to help alleviate some of this. I know I need to change my life on many levels. I can't keep living this way.

Things that BUG me about AA and Al-Anon

My husband has been working the steps. I notice when he works the steps, he is a much nicer person. (Maybe I should work the steps, LOL, I stopped on Step 4!)

In any case, we have been getting along very well for the most part.

However, yesterday I spent several hours on our finances and was in a pissy mood and snapped. He tried to say something to make me feel better and I told him not to give me any of that "AA crap."

I should say that I probably don't have the highest opinion of AA because of my father-in-law being involved with it for over 20 years. For someone who is such an ass, I just don't see how that program really transformed him.

He is sober, but he's still an ass. From what I've heard, he has always been an ass and has never really changed. I do know that many people in the program respect him and say that he has helped them, but I can not see where he has taken that to the outside world. In my opinion, he still treats most people, including his family, like shit.

The problem I have with AA and Al-Anon is that they seem to work great while you are working on them. But the minute you step away, you are back to being the same person. I don't see that they are transformative in a lasting way. It seems like something where you are constantly having to attend meetings to reinforce behavior. And honestly, the slogans bug me.

The slogans in and of themselves are great. There are a lot of truths to what is said. But my issue is that people seem to use these as band aids when someone has a problem, instead of saying something more heartfelt and fitting to the occasion. It reminds me of Christians I know that become so indoctrinated that they never actually speak their own words anymore - they simply spat Bible verses at you for whatever your particular problem might be at the moment.

So while this may be an improvement for some people, I am just not fond of robots. I like people who are free thinkers. Perhaps that is just to ingrained in my personality - I take a little of this, and a little of that and mix it all together and use what works. (Which I suppose you can also use an Al-Anon slogan for that - "Take what works, leave the rest.")

I worry that although my husband and I get along well while he is working his program (and he is in all regards now: sponsor, meetings and steps). But, what will happen when this stops or the intensity dies down? Because inevitably, it will. I have been around the ups and downs of drunkenness, sobriety, relapse and redemption all too many times over the last 8 years.

I suppose my issue with AA and Al-Anon is that I think there should be more. Nothing has changed in 50 years, and we know a lot more about addiction and co-dependency now than we did at the start of these programs. I also think that people in AA start to think that their behavior is normal, and it's not to most people.

I remember the Fourth Wife telling me that she thinks all families are dysfunctional. She said something to the effect that some people try to pretend like theirs aren't but they all are.

I couldn't disagree more. No family is perfect, that's for sure. But to say all families are dysfunctional seems like a complete stretch - and a fabrication to make herself feel better.

I think there should be more integration between AA and Al-Anon - and I think we should be more integrated within society as a whole. There is still this secrecy around addiction that keeps it more dysfunctional.

Am I a Horrible Person?

Several things from the argument are haunting me.

My husband told me numerous times that I am "a horrible person."

I know this is not true and I don't know anyone else who would say such a thing to me, but it is still bothering me. Who is this man, who says he wants to be my husband, to tell me something like that?

What have I done to make me horrible?

If you want to compare, I think he would come up to be the horrible one. But do I tell him that? No.

The other thing is that he kept saying that everyone keeps telling him that I don't love him and that he's a fool.

Who would tell him something like that? Is that really productive?

The only person I can think of is his father- who has been married 4 times. And honestly, that pisses me off. That dysfunctional piece of shit is always interfering in our life. I don't know that anyone has ever truly loved him. It's all about his money. There is no honest love, especially when you have been married 4 times. It's not like meeting someone when you're young and becoming successful together. He distrusts everyone and he probably should. Especially when you are an asshole with money, you always have to worry about what people really want from you. It's not like people would put up with him if he didn't have any money.

How do you measure someone else's love? How is that for anyone to say - especially anyone who has not walked in my shoes these last 7 years. Who can blame me for not feeling love-y all the time?

I asked him about this again this morning and he said if you're really in love with someone you just go with it and make it work regardless of what has happened. Well, I have done that - numerous times. That time is over for me. Perhaps things will change and over time I will feel differently - but right now I don't.

I think that's one big downside of AA. People start to think that their behavior and their families are normal, and they are not. Most families don't behave like this. I think alcoholics should judge themselves by the standards that the rest of us have to live by.

The Meeting

I had a very trying morning, complete with a migraine, meds that made me tired, an emotional 3-year old, that proceeded to fall down face-first on her way into school, and a 2-hour work meeting that seemed to drag on forever. By the time I got in my car to head over to the other side of town for the meeting with the AA leader, I was in tears. I put on some Amy Winehouse, but that didn't help, so I turned to my favorite old gospel CD. I sang and cried my eyes out all the way there.

I remembered half-way through about the third song that I have been through a lot, and God has always gotten me through one way or another. I remembered in particular one morning, shortly after finding out I was pregnant with my son. I was alone, in my favorite breakfast spot, and near tears the entire breakfast. At one point, I think I started to cry. I was unsure what this pregnancy would bring for me. It was obvious at that point that J. was an alcoholic, and my future seemed very grim. I remember one very kind man came over to me and asked if I was OK. We talked for a bit, and he invited me to come to his church. At that time, I was not feeling very religious, and especially not inclined to go to a Christian Church. But I was very grateful for his kindness, and even considered going, even though I sort of mocked Christianity in my head.

In any case, as it turns out, my son has been one of my greatest joys and blessings.

So I was glad to remember that moment, and I felt as though even though things are pretty bad right now, that someday I might look at this as a blessing too.

The AA Leader noticed that today was not a good day for me, and commented on it as we were leaving. I look so sad today. I really feel it.

Never-the-less, I do think our meeting was productive and I'm glad I went.

He shared some of both of our lists and said he felt hopeful that we could salvage our marriage. He told my husband that he has been very selfish and most of the reason we are at this point is because of him.

We talked a lot about my father-in-law and he offered to speak to him and be as harsh with him as he was with us if we would like him to. My husband did not say anything in response to that, but I think I would like him to.

We talked for over an hour and I feel like a lot was said that needs to be digested on both sides. One thing he asked me to think about is that I have a wall up. He said he did not think I could be happy or move on with my life until I got rid of that, and he encouraged me to look at that more closely. I will definitely spend some time with that (in my spare time, lol!).

He said my husband also had a wall up in that he always feels the need to defend himself, which makes me feel like he's not taking responsibility or going to change. He said he's waiting for me to pull my wall down, but he needs to take his down too.

He talked about being at our wedding, which has great sentimental value for me. He said we had made a commitment to each other and owed it to ourselves and our children to try to make things work. He called it "tough-shit". He said, "You can't stand your in-laws, you're married to an alcoholic, you're broke...tough shit!" Same sort of thing to my husband. He said we could spend a lot of time talking about the past and how you got here, but basically we'd be re-hashing everything and not getting anywhere.

He said getting divorced and marrying other people is not going to solve our problems.

That was one thing that really stuck with me from last summer. He said, "You might think that is the easier route, but it's not."

Overall, I am really glad we went. I really like the AA-Leader and I appreciate him taking time for us again.

The Vault of my Heart

My husband and I are going to meet with the AA leader again tomorrow during lunch. I am supposed to email him before then with a list of things I love about my husband and tell him how I would like our marriage to look. My husband is supposed to do the same.

I started yesterday, but I have to say that I am still just angry about so many things. It has been hard for me to put this together.

I was home with my sick son yesterday so I watched the play of Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Not as good as the movie, and the story line was a little different, but I still enjoyed it.

One line stuck with me: "A woman's heart is like a vault: when you're in, you're in. But when you're out, you're out."

The Sneaky Bastard

It became apparent late yesterday that my father-in-law had stopped paying my husband through one of his companies after we filed for divorce in June. I believe this is an obvious attempt to lessen any child support and alimony I am due.

He says that the life insurance policy that this money was paying towards was suddenly paid at that time (according to my husband). But when I said I needed a paystub for our loan, he said he could suddenly start paying him again.

Sounds fishy to me.

If I had to guess, I would say he just started paying the brother all the money to pay the policy now. Either way, if we go that route, a forensic accountant can figure out all of that.

It just always amazes me how low he is willing to stoup.

I always feel like I am dealing with someone on Dallas or Dynasty and not a father-in-law, let alone someone who has been in AA for 25 years and is supposed to be a mentor to other men.

It brings to mind when my husband's mother died and my father-in-law wanted to stop paying her alimony. She lived out of state, so my husband had to get her death certificate so he could stop paying it. My husband relapsed at that time and was pisssed at this father. So he got the death certificate, but didn't tell his dad and let him continue paying the alimony - for a year.

I was the one who finally told his dad that he had the death certificate. He was confused - why would he do that??

Because he is angry with you, I told him, exhasperated. He truly seemed to have no clue.

I still don't think he does.

You reap what you sow.

Malcolm X said it better than anyone when he talked about chickens coming home to roost, even though I know this was an unpopular quote at the time. (The clip below is worth watching - I had never heard him explain himself.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SzuOOshpddM

I really like this quote, which is the end of the clip.

"If you stick a knife in my back nine inches and pull it out six inches, that's not progress. If you pull it all the way out, that's not progress. The progress comes from healing the wound that the blow made. They haven't even begun to pull the knife out. They won't even admit the knife is there.
- Malcolm X

Getting Nasty

Things seem to be taking a nasty turn with my husband. I feel really worn out physically and emotionally. My mom took the kids so I could sleep this morning and he kept calling and texting me. He's becoming very demanding and making a lot of accusations.

I keep telling him that he needs to do what the AA leader told him to do and start keeping his word to me. He just doesn't seem to get that. He thinks if he just keeps pushing me harder and harder, I will just give in. And we are not at that point. I don't know that that would work for anyone, at any point.

I told him this morning that I felt like he had a stronghold around my neck. He took offense to that and said he was just going to let me go. I reminded him that he was acting like his dad, and he should know how that feels. It doesn't feel good. It feels so constricting.

I told him I need some space this weekend. My mom is going to keep the kids a bit longer and let me breathe. I just feel so tired.

I don't know how we got to this place where we are just so terrible to each other. I thought a separation would help, but it just seems like things are worse.

Meeting with "The Leader"

I wasn't sure what to expect from the AA group since my father-in-law has been so nasty with me. And it is his group. He has been going nearly every Monday night that he is in town for 20 years.

My husband was very pissed off that he didn't get to share the queen-size bed in the motor home with me. The first night the kids fell asleep with me in it. He was pretty childish about it so I decided he should just stay in the other bed the next night too. We haven't slept together regularly in years.

One of his friends asked me if he was sleeping up there and I told him he was. He told me, Good! That's where he deserves to be!

Another friend approached me and asked how I had been doing. He said he had been very worried about me and had been praying for me. He said he'd seen too many women like me become just a shell of who they are from this experience. He asked me how long I was going to do this.

I started to tear up and told him that I felt trapped. We talked about my father-in-law and his money. He was very surprised by the things I told him. He said he didn't know that side of him but I knew what I knew and what I had experienced. It was a very good talk.

Later we met with the group leader. This was who I was most nervous about. He is my father-in-law's sponsor and has known him for over 20 years. I have always respected him because I think he's a straight-shooter and very family-oriented.

He asked me ahead of time if I had agreed to meet with him or of I was forced into it. I told him I wanted to talk with him.

So we left the kids with my brother-in-law and his girlfriend for an hour and a half. (My brother-in-law later told us it was a lot of work. Lol maybe his dad and my husband should take that statement to heart and appreciate what I do all day long!!)

When we sat down with the leader he started by saying that he was not a professional but that he had done this with many people and could probably get through a lot of stuff with us in an hour because he did not need us to come back every week and pay him $150 each time.

Then he turned to my husband and told him he'd been a selfish prick and from what he'd seen from him he just didn't get it.

He told me that he knew about the other women and that I had reason to be angry and not trust my husband. But he also said he had a strong prejudice towards families staying together and that we could overcome that. He said he knew because he and his wife had. That he'd been a cheat and a drunk and she taught him how to be a good father.

He told my husband that he'd really screwed up because he had a pattern of doing the same things over and over and not being honest about things. He did not know about my husband staying out all night long or not coming to our daughter's birthday party. I told him that I did not believe he was sober. My husband said he was. I asked him when his sobriety date was, and he said January (4th, I think?)

He mentioned he had a one-day slip. I said, I don't believe that for a second, and I would bet my life that it was more than one day. I specifically remember him having numerous problems throughout December of last year. Christmas Eve for one. The leader told him that if there was more he needed to be honest about, he was already at the bottom, and it would be better to just get it all out in the open. My husband never admitted to more.

He asked whether I was willing to be intimate with my husband after my husband complained about that not getting any sex. I was like, No way! It seemed like such a crazy question from a 67-year-old man I barely knew. I was chuckling inside my head.

He kept telling my husband that our problems were not financial. They were about his patterns of dishonesty. My husband complained about having to work so hard, and the leader was like, tough luck! He mentioned me working more and I told them both that I have been working, and raising the kids - AND RAISING KIDS IS WORK. If I work more, it will be at the expense of the kids. Everything has already been at the expense of the kids, and me. And I think my husband needs to step-up and fix what HE HAS BROKEN.

He asked me if I could give my husband amnesty. I said, there's amnesty and then there's stupidity. He needs to start showing me something different and then I can perhaps start to trust and forgive him. I asked him, At what cost this would be to me? That's how my dad got cancer, sucking it up and being nice to people who did not deserve it. I'm not willing to do that.

I asked him about his father growing up and he didn't sound that great. But the point I was trying to make is that you learn how to be a man and to have integrity as a child from your parents and since that didn't happen, I didn't see much hope. He said he learned from his wife. I told him I thought men learned from the modeling of other men. I don't really want to be my husband's mommy. I have 2 little kids to raise.

The leader told me he didn't think I'd be able to get over all this for a long time, but that the only hope he saw was if I was able to give my husband amnesty for the past and move forward. He told my husband that this was not a matter of me just sucking it up and taking him back, but that he needed to do things different.

We ended with him summarizing all of it, and then he gave us each a hug. He was a very good man and said he was tired from it. He said he really put a lot into these sessions because he really believes in marriage. Then he was off to the next couple.

Whatever happens, I will always appreciate him taking the time and sitting down with us. I am very pro-marriage, and very pro-family. I think we have gotten too far away from that. But I have also been trying for a very long time, and nothing seems to be different.

Bitching

Well so much for being a "man".

My husband texted me saying that he hated his life today.

I told him I hoped his day got better.

Then he proceeded to tell me everything that was wrong. He was stuck in traffic. He missed his meeting for work because he had to move. (Um, you knew that last week, why did we go camping all weekend?). The house he was promised has no appliances. (although it is furnished and almost 5,000 sq. ft.) He called the guy and he said just come live with me and my wife. He doesn't want to do that. Another friend offered his house so he could stay there since his renter is moving out and he's living in Australia. He drove there, got stuck in traffic and found the house too dirty...
He's saying Fuck every other word....

Hmmm, sounds like he's awfully picky, ungrateful and unaware of what happens when you stay out all night an don't come home to your family.

I really think he would have just moved back in here if that AA leader hadn't set him and his dad straight.

I could tell he was sort of waiting for me to offer as he was complaining, but instead I told him, I hope your day gets better!!!

Character

The camping trip went well overall. I have a friend who has been reminding me for years that most of my husbands issues don't stem from alcoholism but from a lack of character. I suppose I have lumped most alcoholics into the same category for a long time, but I did know what she meant on some level. My grandfather on my moms side was an alcoholic, but not at all comparable to my husband. He always provided for his family (5 kids) and was proud to do so. He had his issues for sure, but he was rarely unkind, and seldom unkind to me. (I only recall one time, and it was indirectly, when he was too drunk to even know I was there.)

I wasn't quite sure what to expect of this trip. I sorta thought they would gang up on me because it is a large group (200 plus) from the men's group my husband attends, along with his dad and brother.

I've had a lot of issues with my brother-in-law as well but I have chosen not to write on the specifics here because he is young (26, I think) and I do believe he is trying to be a better person. Someone that I respect very much also asked me to give him some grace because of everything he has endured. It has been hard sometimes, but I do try, and I did try during this trip.

But, I have to say I was nervous to spend time with him and to have my kids around him. It turned out fine. He was cordial and the kids were glad to see their uncle. They haven't spent a lot of time with him and I've never left them alone with him. But he was there with a girlfriend and we left the kids with him for an hour and a half so we could talk to the leader of this group. (More on this later.)

My husband has a friend who calls AA a "cult" and I've never understood his perspective until this weekend. I don't need someone to tell me what is right and wrong. I learned that as a child, from my parents and the rest of my family. My ethics are constantly evolving, but there is a very large foundation that my family set for me - as a child. I have been working the steps in Alanon because I am trying to be open to the program, but for the most part, it seems like things that people learn growing up, not as adults.

But I do think these programs work very well for some people. I've always thought of people in recovery as rigid and resenting not drinking. But the majority of people I know in recovery (at least well) are my husband and his family. I was pleasantly surprised by this group. I related very well to everyone. I love to camp. I grew up camping and I think there is something so special and unique about it. I didn't have any cell or email access and I really enjoyed that. It reinforced my belief that I want a simpler life.

It also did wonders for my son and his self-esteem. On the campground, he was able to roam freely on his bike or on foot. As I've said before, we don't have that luxury where we live. At first I let him go off on his bike with another man I know fairly well. He has 3 kids and I trust him implicitly. I knew the hills would be a challenge, but he reminded me that he has raised 2 boys. Apparently, he fell at the top of the hill, cried bloody murder, then realized that neither me or my husband were there to help him, got back up on rode down the hill.

In no time at all, he was riding up and down the hills by himself, or with other kids. I could see him shine.

I know on many levels, I have babied my kids. I have felt sorry for them because of their dad. But I also know that they need some tough love from other men - and that is why they spend a lot of time with my dad, and I have started them at the church. Especially with boys, I think this is so important. My husband and the men in his family have a tendency to pout. And I think that is the worst thing for a man to do. I have never seen my father or my grandfather pout. When they are upset, they deal with it like a man. And not kicking and screaming and cussing. They just work it out.

This is what I want for my son. More than anything else, I want him to be a man, and not a little boy in a man's body that doesn't know how to deal with life (on life's terms, if I may use an AA expression!).

So regardless of what happens with my husband, or anything else, this is a camp-out that I want to come back to. There is much more to write, but I will do it later.

Arrested Development

My husband told me yesterday that my father-in-law wants to write me a letter but he told him he didn't think he should send it to me. I don't understand either of them. My husband had told that he's written me a letter for some time now but I don't have that either. He said he wants to read it to me in front of a counselor. I said, just give me the letter! We don't need a counselor there. We already saw a counselor and he didn't read it then either. The first time he went to rehab it was the same thing. I never got a letter. He wrote his business partners a letter of amends, but I never got one. Maybe it would be easier to forgive some of this if they ever apologized for anything formally.

In any case I had another sleepless night. After thinking about it I do think I was probably too hard on my husband the other night. He doesn't have any idea about how most people have to budget and scrimp for things. Perhaps he will learn now but it's frustrating to be in this place with him now. I have been told he has arrested development from drinking at such a young age and it shows up a lot. I do think he means well most of the time. It's just like dealing with another kid except that he thinks he knows it all. His grasp on reality is completely different than mine. My parents taught me to be responsible at a young age. He was on his own so he had to grow up fast, but no one ever bothered to teach him anything.

If there was a problem they could just throw money at it. I never had that luxury so I had to always be careful. He has been careless. All his life he has been able to be careless. And at 38, it is a hard lesson to have to learn to be careful. I wish he and learned it sooner but he didn't.