Date Night

My husband and I were supposed to have a dinner date last night, but he was more than an hour late and we ended up just driving around and fighting for 2 hours instead. I went to bed without dinner, which is totally unlike me.

I realized that in the past I would have cried my eyes out, but while I was on the verge of tears several times, I did not let myself cry. I guess this is my wall.

I have to say that at the moment I am grateful for the wall. I went to sleep and slept somewhat well all things considered. In the past, I wouldn't have slept and would have woke up exhausted with 2 kids to take care of. Life doesn't stop for your problems - you just have to make due the best you can. I don't have any more time to waste on crying and feeling bad. My kids need me. I have wasted far too many nights crying about how things are - but they are still as they are. Tears don't change anything.

Email to the AA Leader

Hi B,

Thank you for today. I feel like regardless what happens, it was productive.

J seems more dysfunctional since we talked than before. The fact that he does not have a sponsor is telling to me. I don't think he has EVER had a real sponsor and I am still concerned about his sobriety. He does not feel "ok" to me. I do not feel safe around him and neither do the kids. The fact that I said that to you seems to have enraged him. When he left tonight, our son said, "Daddy doesn't seem ok. Maybe he's doing drugs.".

He already was yelling at me again tonight. He bounced a check to our daughter's school 3 weeks ago and never told me. I go in and out of that school every day. I can't understand not paying the teachers who spend all day with our child. I can't understand not making that right. I can't understand at least telling your wife so that if he wasn't man enough to do it, I could talk to the school. Instead, I found out through the bill I received today and opened tonight. J has optimism, that's for sure, but sometimes it seems more like insanity to me. He has a constant belief that everything will be right any time now, and he's thought that way since I knew him. Faith alone doesn't pay your bills.

The fact that J spends more time with friends that are active, heavy drinkers than working his program gives me great pause. The Halloween party that we went to on Saturday was concerning. Everyone was so drunk that they basically forgot about dinner. We had a 3-year-old and a 6-year-old there. I kept asking, and it was always almost done. I don't hang around people who drink like that on an empty stomach. I wouldn't go to a party with people that I knew to be like that. My family may drink wine with dinner, but no one gets drunk and dinner is always served. Kids come first. We finally left around 8 after my numerous requests to go get the kids some dinner.

The other day, J had his phone off and our son could not reach him. He later said he was at a basketball game with someone who I know owns several night clubs in town and definitely drinks heavily. We did not hear from him again until the next day. When a child leaves their father a voicemail early in the evening, I don't think it should ever go unreturned.

I don't have a drinking problem, but I certainly don't hang around with heavy drinkers. There is nothing we really have in common. My kids are my first priority and it would be hard for me to relate to someone like that. I am just wondering why someone who has a relapse history and serious drinking issues since the age of 12 would spend his time with people like this?

I am at a point where I don't know that I want a marriage with J. But for God's sake, I hope that my children will have a father that they can look up to and respect, because this breaks my heart. I can not remember ever in my life a single time where my dad did not keep his word to me or our family. He would break his back to do anything for us. To this day, he is the one I count on to be a role-model to my kids - he is my hope for them.

I know J and his dad don't like our son seeing a counselor and think he knows too much for his age, and I sort of got that sense from you today as well. But J and his dad put us in this situation where I need to think about my son first - and what his needs are. God knows no one ever did that for J - and look where he is today. I'll be damned if either of my children become addicts. I am in prevention mode all the way. My family has been a rock and a refuge for these kids. That and our church. I put my faith in people I know I can count on - because my kids count on me. J is a gamble - a big one. You don't build your house on the sand.

J needs a sponsor. J needs to work his program. J needs to take responsibility for himself - and this family.

And then, maybe, if he ever gets his act together, we will all still be here waiting for him.

And I for one would like you to speak to my father-in-law. We all deserve better than how he has treated us.

I will certainly put everything else you said to thought as well regarding what you said about me. I know I have a wall up with J. But that has been necessary. That said, I am deeply unhappy and disappointed to the core of my being with how this marriage has turned out. And I do want better. I do want to be happy and not be angry all the time.

Thanks B - probably more than you wanted to hear tonight but I am very, very upset. I hope you know how very much I appreciate you and all the time that you have spent with us.

The Meeting

I had a very trying morning, complete with a migraine, meds that made me tired, an emotional 3-year old, that proceeded to fall down face-first on her way into school, and a 2-hour work meeting that seemed to drag on forever. By the time I got in my car to head over to the other side of town for the meeting with the AA leader, I was in tears. I put on some Amy Winehouse, but that didn't help, so I turned to my favorite old gospel CD. I sang and cried my eyes out all the way there.

I remembered half-way through about the third song that I have been through a lot, and God has always gotten me through one way or another. I remembered in particular one morning, shortly after finding out I was pregnant with my son. I was alone, in my favorite breakfast spot, and near tears the entire breakfast. At one point, I think I started to cry. I was unsure what this pregnancy would bring for me. It was obvious at that point that J. was an alcoholic, and my future seemed very grim. I remember one very kind man came over to me and asked if I was OK. We talked for a bit, and he invited me to come to his church. At that time, I was not feeling very religious, and especially not inclined to go to a Christian Church. But I was very grateful for his kindness, and even considered going, even though I sort of mocked Christianity in my head.

In any case, as it turns out, my son has been one of my greatest joys and blessings.

So I was glad to remember that moment, and I felt as though even though things are pretty bad right now, that someday I might look at this as a blessing too.

The AA Leader noticed that today was not a good day for me, and commented on it as we were leaving. I look so sad today. I really feel it.

Never-the-less, I do think our meeting was productive and I'm glad I went.

He shared some of both of our lists and said he felt hopeful that we could salvage our marriage. He told my husband that he has been very selfish and most of the reason we are at this point is because of him.

We talked a lot about my father-in-law and he offered to speak to him and be as harsh with him as he was with us if we would like him to. My husband did not say anything in response to that, but I think I would like him to.

We talked for over an hour and I feel like a lot was said that needs to be digested on both sides. One thing he asked me to think about is that I have a wall up. He said he did not think I could be happy or move on with my life until I got rid of that, and he encouraged me to look at that more closely. I will definitely spend some time with that (in my spare time, lol!).

He said my husband also had a wall up in that he always feels the need to defend himself, which makes me feel like he's not taking responsibility or going to change. He said he's waiting for me to pull my wall down, but he needs to take his down too.

He talked about being at our wedding, which has great sentimental value for me. He said we had made a commitment to each other and owed it to ourselves and our children to try to make things work. He called it "tough-shit". He said, "You can't stand your in-laws, you're married to an alcoholic, you're broke...tough shit!" Same sort of thing to my husband. He said we could spend a lot of time talking about the past and how you got here, but basically we'd be re-hashing everything and not getting anywhere.

He said getting divorced and marrying other people is not going to solve our problems.

That was one thing that really stuck with me from last summer. He said, "You might think that is the easier route, but it's not."

Overall, I am really glad we went. I really like the AA-Leader and I appreciate him taking time for us again.