Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Here are the lists I compiled for the AA leader.

How I'd like our marriage to look:

-J sober
-No interference from father-in-law. I don't want to have any sort of relationship with him and I don't particuarly want him around my children. I especially don't want him butting into my life, or telling me how to raise children, esp since he did not do a good job himself in my opinion. I have told J I would be more open to this if he gets counseling or even talks to you, but this has never happened to my knowledge. I resent constantly being asked for my father-in-law to see the kids when in my mind I would never subject my children to any sort of abuse. It's much easier to prevent abuse than erase the scars later. Our son has been in counseling for 2 years already, and I am the one who takes him there every week. I resent the damage the H-Family have caused and that it seems that I am the one who is always cleaning up after their mess. I would like my son to deal with the issues, and have him move on. I don't want my son to suffer the rest of his life. I want my children to be around positive, caring adults. I do not want to be asked even ONE MORE TIME about my father-in-law seeing the kids until he takes care of his end of the street.
-Me at home with the kids (mostly) - I would like my first priority to always be the children, then home, then work. I think meals together and family time is very important. I don't mind working so much, but I resent the extra pressure while the kids are so young...this time has already gone by quickly and I feel like I have missed out on a lot. I don't think that there is a more important job than raising our children well. I don't want another generation of alcoholics. I will do everything in my power to prevent that. You may disagree with me on this, but I think a lot of J's issues with drugs and alcoholism stem more from his environment than genetics. My most important role has been in helping get the kids through these difficult times - and my family has helped a great deal with that. I am not happy about our current financial state, but there is no amount of money that would make it worth it to me to mess up my children. (And that includes my father-in-law, because I get the feeling he thinks my children are for sale, and they are not.) I don't think my added stress from J's relapse and having to work (as opposed to wanting to work or contributing to the income) is helpful to our children. I try to take care of myself and be the best mother I can, but I am also human, and sometimes I feel like this is just too much for me.
-J home on time - call immediately if running late
-No all-nighters - ever, ever, ever...that would be a deal breaker.
-J at all birthday parties and other important family events
-Financially secure
-Regular date nights
-Family dinner together at the table 99% of the time (I cook most meals)
-Dedication to honesty in all things
-Regular vacations - both with the kids and alone
-Having fun - laughing
-Communication about financial issues - esp when things are not going to happen at a certain time
-No physical or verbal abuse

Things I love about J:

Sense of humor
Willingness to stick things out
Father of my children
Warmth and friendliness
Romantic side of him
His sense of style
Paying for our son to attend private school when his dad backed out of his commitment
His love for our children
Our history when he has been sober
He allows me to be myself
His optimism
His hugs
That he is able to be comforting when he wants to (ie, my dad is wonderful but not so much a comforter - more the quiet, stable type)
Checking in with me throughout the day
That he appreciates and enjoys my cooking

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