Friday, January 8, 2010

What is Reality?

The ultrasound has come and gone. It was odd going there and checking in. I am still on my husband's insurance but I don't feel like he is my husband anymore. The receptionist was asking questions about my husband's place of employment and date of birth. She asked for an emergency contact person and I gave her my mother's name.

This morning my mother noticed alarmingly that our downstairs toilet is leaking and needs to be repaired immediately or the wood would be damaged. I told my husband, but he has not reponded. I guess I should get used to the fact that we are on our own now. But it is a hard thing to sink in.

I suppose we have been on our own for a long time, but I could usually count on help with at least some of the big things.

It sounds like I will not hear anything back from the doctor until Monday. I am a little nervous but I decided on my way back from the clinic that I am just going to assume everything is OK until I hear otherwise. It won't help me to worry.

Last night, my husband read the blog again and sent me a 7-point response, defending himself. It is clear that we both have completely different versions of reality. My husband does not even pretend to be his nice-guy persona anymore around other people, so that at least is a little more comforting. Sometimes I think it was hard for people to envision the things that he said to me. No longer.

A friend told me the other day that when he called me a cunt, that's when it would have been over for her. It's funny how you try to remove these things from your mind, but when you finally tell people what has happened and they remind you of them, you are not able to create your own (better) reality anymore. Hearing her say it made me realize how awful things have been.


  1. Surround yourself with people who love you and support you. Can you have someone with you, rotating turns, around the clock? Just for a little while? I think you need it. Take care, Sula. Take care of YOU.

  2. When I was in the abusive relationship with S I rationalized and minimized the abuse. It's what you do when you feel you have to. I was called a fucking whore. I had never been spoken to like that by anyone in my life and I was taken aback, much like someone would be if they were shoved or slapped. Nobody should ever have to get used to that.

  3. Thanks Virginia - I have wonderful friends and family and have had a lot of support.

    And, I agree with you April. No one should get used to any sort of abuse.

  4. That is a terrible word to use. No respect at all.