Thanksgiving 2009

My mother took the kids tonight so I could get ready for tomorrow. But for the most part I have been in a funk, getting very little done except for the last hour. I am moping.

I wish I could make a big dinner with the enthusiasm that I used to. I used to go all out, and I loved it. I love cooking for people I love.

But I feel all the life drained out of me this year. I don't want my husband here. I don't want to cook for him. I don't want to watch him eat plate after plate and dominate the conversation and expect me to cater to his emotional needs.

I thought I could continue the blog with him still reading it, but more and more I find I am censoring myself to save his feelings. I resent that too. This was supposed to be my outlet. And now, I'm not sure what it is. Me trying to stay positive in a very bad situation mostly. And I'm still not feeling positive.

I can't remember a time when I ever felt this low in my life. I am utterly unhappy. I have my moments, where all seems well - like today, when I was able to spend the entire day with my son - pure bliss.

But mostly, I feel sad and alone. And angry. I feel trapped. I feel stuck. I feel broke.

In my being, I know that I need to get out of this marriage. I had a long talk with my grandmother about it earlier tonight. But the bottom line is, I don't know how we will manage financially. Even if we were to walk away from our home and our debt, it would still be a struggle.

There's a woman in my office who is like a second mother to me. She came in and practically begged me the other day to get out. She told me about how she stayed with her husband until her kids were in their 20's and it only got worse with time. She emailed me her attorneys name and called him to let him know I'd be calling and asked if he'd meet with me for free. She said I deserve to be happy and safe.

I don't know how to balance my needs with those of my children. I worry about them so much. I don't think this family is healthy for them either, but then I think, if we can't live, what's the point?

My friend B. said I'd be happy when I started to make decisions that are good for me.

I worry that if I don't get out soon, this marriage will destroy me.