I had another mostly sleepless night last night. I am back to listening to a lot of my New Age tapes - Louise Hay right now. I started doing some affirmations and meditations to help me sleep. I realized last night how hard it has become - my mind wanders almost immediately.
I think I have really begun to hate myself. I thought I just hated what my life (for the most part) has become and the actions of my husband and his family. But it became apparent last night that that has transferred to me too.
I think it's hard for me to forgive now because I did all this when my husband went to rehab the first time. I wasn't sure I should continue on in the relationship. But I decided it was better for my son and I worked on myself while he was at rehab for 2 months.
I felt at that time, that all was forgiven. We had a few good years together in there. I did not bring up the past. We had our daughter, which was a very joyous time for me.
But then, he relapsed - and now I almost feel foolish for not believing that he would. It seems now it would have been easier to leave that wall up and move on at the time of the first rehab.
But now I am two kids in and many more years. I don't know where this relationship will end up. But I don't want to keep feeling this way.
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Boy, that sounds like what I was recalling today on my blog. :) Very, very familiar territory to me.
ReplyDeleteI find that living in this day and not dwelling on the past and my mistakes helps me. I can't undo what happened before but I do have choices today.
ReplyDeleteDwelling on the past will not change it. self-hate will not change it. All we can do is move forward.
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